


The Darkest Hour: Revelation

by Ithiel_Dragon



Series: The Hour is Darkest Just Before the Dawn [3]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Ending, Alternate Universe, Angst, Blood and Gore, Explicit Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Medical Experimentation, Minor Character Death, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Romance, Star Trek: Into Darkness Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-13 22:13:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 62,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3398159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ithiel_Dragon/pseuds/Ithiel_Dragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Khan's mental condition worsens dramatically, the crew of the Enterprise are forced to seek aid from a new alien race with strong empathic abilities. Meanwhile, Carol Marcus contacts Jim for help, and news of a new virus outbreak on a small Klingon colony reach them. Kirk may be forced to choose between trying to save millions of innocent lives, or those that he cares about most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As always, big thanks to my beta [NurseDarry](http://archiveofourown.org/users/NurseDarry/pseuds/NurseDarry).

This was a nice change, Jim decided, a small smile curving his lips as he woke. His quarters were still dark, with only starlight and the glow from the planet they were currently orbiting around for illumination, but the chronometer on his bedside table indicated it was nearing alpha shift. Spock would be expecting him on the bridge in the next hour or so, but Jim didn't really feel like moving just yet. He was warm. He was comfortable. And he wasn't alone.

Jim's arm tightened around the other man's waist and he pressed his lips to the side of his neck. The flesh under his lips was pleasantly warm from sleep and softer than he'd imagined it would be. The short dark hair behind the man's ear where Jim nuzzled into it was almost down-like.

He heard and felt the brief falter in his sleeping bedmate's deep rhythmic breathing, then a longer, deeper inhalation indicating that Jim had been successful in stirring him from his slumber. He almost hated to do it; Khan had been sleeping so peacefully. But Jim probably couldn't have untangled himself from him without waking him anyway, and even if he did manage it, he didn't want Khan to have to wake up alone.

Jim's fingers began a light caress along Khan's bare hip. His thumb brushed over his hip bone before his fingers ghosted down the length of the augment's thigh. Khan shifted, leaning back into Jim's chest with a sleepy but pleased groan. Jim smiled.

"Morning," he whispered softly, almost unwilling to break the peaceful silence. Khan gave a soft grunt that could have been a 'good morning'...or could have been something rather rude. It was hard to tell. Jim chuckled softly, pressing another kiss to Khan's shoulder. "Sorry, but I've got to get up soon. Captain-y stuff, you know. Plus, I need to check on Bones before he wakes up on his own, realizes you're missing, and goes on the warpath."

Khan gave another grunt, though this one definitely sounded more amused than irritated.

Jim really should get up; the longer he lingered the harder it would be to convince himself to move. But he lingered anyway, his body unwilling to give up the warmth and comfort of the man lying next to him. And his mind distracted by memories of last night.

* * *

"When is it ever a good idea?"

Not his best argument, maybe, but Khan certainly didn't seem to have any objections. The kiss they shared now was unlike any they had shared previously. Where the others had seemed fueled by violence and desperation, this one was almost tentative; at first Khan's lips brushed over his own so lightly, it was barely more than a breath. Maybe the augment couldn't believe this was really happening any more than Jim could. Considering their history, Jim certainly would never have predicted that the two of them would end up together like this.

Jim made a sound of encouragement, and the pressure increased in increments. Though the kiss remained almost chaste until Jim allowed his tongue to snake out and swipe over the other man's mouth. Khan's lips parted in welcome, and Jim eagerly accepted the invitation. His tongue stole inside the augment's mouth and began a thorough exploration, twining together with Khan's.

A low growl of pleasure escaped the augment, and Jim's previously flagging erection surged with renewed interest. His hands roamed along Khan's back, tightening on his shoulders and drawing him closer. Jim arched beneath him, and Khan shifted to bring their bodies into better alignment. Jim gasped into the kiss as the augment's growing erection rubbed against his own, sensitive even through the layers of cloth separating them.

Definitely too many layers. Time to do something about that.

Jim's hands slid down along Khan's sides. Their lips parted, quite reluctantly, when Khan drew back at Jim's urging. He looked up at the augment with a silent question and Khan gave a barely perceivable nod. Jim allowed his hand to caress down the firm planes of his torso and slip inside the front of his open trousers. Khan groaned softly, his eyes fluttering shut as Jim wrapped his fingers around the solid length and began to stroke him slowly.

The augment's cock was hot and heavy in his hand, growing harder with every caress of Jim's palm. He kept his movements slow and easy, watching Khan's expression carefully for any signs of distress. Eventually Khan opened his eyes with a mildly irritated look at Jim.

"I am not made of glass," he stated. Jim didn't reply, but tightened his hold around him, giving him a firm stroke, then swirled his thumb around the crown when he reached the tip. Khan grunted and Jim gave him an almost playful smile.

"Better?" he asked, and Khan hummed softly. Jim continued to caress him with long firm strokes, allowing his thumb to play over the slit and underneath the glans, sometimes giving his hand a little twist on the upstroke for variety. He loved the sounds of pleasure that Khan made, the low groans and deep sighs. His expression was relaxed, almost blissful, and Jim would have been happy to bring the augment off just like this, but apparently Khan had other ideas.

* * *

"What are you thinking about?" Khan's deep voice was almost a purr, breaking the comfortable silence again. Jim grinned against his neck, knowing that Khan would be able to feel it even if he couldn't see it.

"You don't know?" he teased. Khan snorted softly.

"I am not a telepath," the augment reminded him.

"I know, but you know what I'm feeling right?" Jim replied, pressing a series of soft kisses from the other man's neck to his shoulder.

"That does not really help me much, considering you are always... horny."

"I am not always horny." Jim stopped kissing him long enough to protest, not sure whether to be offended or to laugh. Khan didn't reply. Not with words anyway. Instead, he rolled over onto his back and stretched long and languorously, the muscles in his arms and chest rippling beautifully as he raised his arms over his head. The covers slipped dangerously low around his hips. Jim swallowed hard. Khan smirked up at him.

Then the moment was broken when the augment's stomach growled loudly. Jim laughed, and he swore he actually saw a flush of embarrassment on the man's pale cheeks. He sobered quickly however, remembering exactly why Khan was probably hungry.

"When was the last time you ate?" Jim asked.

"Last night," Khan replied, his expression serious. A little too serious in fact. Jim frowned in confusion...then realized what Khan was referring to and snorted. He wasn't sure he'd ever get used to the augment's sense of humor.

"You're terrible," Jim said when he was through snickering.

"I don't remember you complaining," Khan countered, and the man did have a point.

* * *

When Khan caught his wrist and pulled it away from his cock, Jim gave him a questioning look. Instead of answering, Khan kissed him again, harder than before, with a little bit of teeth and a lot more tongue. Jim's lips felt bruised and he was left panting when it was over. He could only continue to gasp as Khan began to move down his body, leaving stinging bites that he soothed with his lips and tongue as he went.

Jim's fingers tangled in Khan's dark hair as the augment sucked a bruise onto his collar bone. Seemingly satisfied with his work, Khan moved lower. His lips caught Jim's left nipple, nibbling and sucking on the sensitive flesh to an aching hardness. At the same time, his fingers moved up Jim's chest to pinch and twist his other nipple, leaving the younger man writhing and moaning.

"Khan...oh..." Jim groaned, his fingers tightening in Khan's hair as he bucked underneath him.

Khan eventually took pity on him and continued downwards. The bedding was pushed aside impatiently, and the augment's tongue made a detailed exploration of Jim's torso. He traced along muscles that clenched under the sensual touch, his tongue dipping into Jim's navel briefly before following the trail of hair to the waistband of his sleep pants.

Jim whimpered, and Khan looked up at him through dark eyelashes with a silent question. Jim gave an eager nod and Khan wasted no time hooking his thumbs into the waistband and pushing the flimsy material down Jim's thighs. His aching cock eagerly sprang free, hard and leaking against his own skin.

Khan stripped him completely then pulled back to stare at him. The intensity of the augment's gaze always seemed to burn into Jim, although he never imagined how arousing it would be to feel the man's eyes on him in this context. Jim stared back, completely unashamed by the scrutiny. When Khan's hands moved to push his thighs apart, Jim allowed it, moaning softly. Khan's eyes practically flashed, his pupils dilating with unmistakable hunger, and Jim wondered how embarrassing it would be to come just from Khan looking at him.

Thankfully, Khan didn't waste much time just looking. The augment's mouth descended on him, and starting at the base of his cock, licked up the underside all the way to the tip. Jim gasped, and couldn't stop himself from arching eagerly beneath him. His cock leaked even more precome, which Khan's tongue immediately lapped away, making Jim groan at the sight. That almost-wicked look flashed again in the augment's eyes; it was the only warning Jim got before Khan's mouth engulfed him completely. The sudden shock of molten wet heat, suction, and the pressure around his cock made Jim shout.

"Fuck!"

His hips bucked, the reaction out of his control, and Khan's hands immediately clamped down on them, holding Jim firmly in place. Then Khan's mouth began to move, taking him even deeper and sucking hard enough to make Jim's toes curl. It had to be the best blowjob he'd ever received, and that was really saying something, considering everyone he'd slept with. Even the cute humanoid alien with the respiratory bypass hadn't been as good... All too soon, Jim was coming with a loud groan, his head thrown back and his back arched. He shook from the intensity of the pleasure that pulsed through him. Khan sucked him dry and didn't stop until Jim was begging him to because it was too much.

The augment finally released him, then crawled up Jim's body like an extremely satisfied predatory cat. Jim let out a shaky laugh as he stared at him, reaching up to brush back some of the dark hair that had fallen into Khan's face.

"All right, I believe you," Jim said, earning him a questioning look from the augment. "You really are better at everything."

Khan laughed, and Jim grinned before pulling him down into another long kiss.

* * *

"You should probably eat something," Jim said, trailing his fingers over Khan's stomach. The man was definitely a lot more fit than he had been when they'd first found him, but still more slender than he probably should be. Especially given how much healing he'd had to do recently. Khan needed the energy for that rapid recovery from someplace, and he didn't have an inch of fat on him at the moment. Jim didn't want to see the man burning away muscle he'd only recently managed to regain.

Khan's eyes trailed down Jim's body, and Jim laughed.

"Something other than me," Jim chuckled fondly. "Seriously, you need to eat. I can bring you something. Breakfast in bed - think I offer that to everyone?"

Khan sighed heavily. "Very well."

Jim leaned in to kiss Khan thoroughly; positive reinforcement and all. Then he reluctantly pulled away and slipped out of bed. He found his discarded sleep pants and pulled them on, along with the long matching wrap-top that the Vulcans favored when relaxing. He could feel Khan's gaze on him the entire time and smiled, but didn't turn around to look, knowing it would just make it harder for him to leave.

"I'll be right back," he promised, then stole out of the room. While he was out he decided to take the long way to the replicator and check on Bones. Jim wondered what it said about how far his relationship with Khan had come that he had never once questioned the augment's word last night. Sure, sedating his CMO to escape the medbay wasn't exactly a good thing, but there were certainly worse things that Khan could have done.

Khan was right. Jim was a liar; he might claim that he didn't trust Khan, sometimes he even believed it, but he obviously trusted Khan a lot more than he probably should. As he poked his head into the medbay to see his friend slumped over his desk, snoring loudly, Jim couldn't help but chuckle. He knew he shouldn't be so amused, or let Khan off the hook so easily for drugging his crewmates, wandering around freely, and breaking into his room. But all Jim had to do was recall what Khan had been like for the last several days and... This was still better, right?

Jim quickly left a note for his friend so that Bones wouldn't panic when he woke up to find Khan gone, then hurriedly left for the replicator. He couldn't deny that he was worried...and not just about McCoy's reaction when he found out that Jim had slept with Khan. Fuck, Bones was going to kill him. And yes, Jim was worried that he might have unintentionally made things worse, despite how good it had been for both of them.

But Khan had said that he wanted to feel something else, and Jim could completely understand that. Most wouldn't agree. Most would say that Jim took advantage of the augment, and... What if Khan came to that conclusion too? He had nearly lost control completely when he found out about the mind meld. What if he started thinking this was the same thing?

Jim ran his fingers nervously through his hair as he waited for the replicator. Khan had seemed fine this morning. Better than fine, actually; he seemed relaxed. Jim liked to think he had something to do with that.

* * *

They kissed again. Khan was a damned good kisser Jim decided, moaning softly at the taste of himself in the other man's mouth. Jim's hands roamed languidly along Khan's back, slipping down and underneath his trousers to caress his ass. Khan groaned in the back of his throat and thrust against him. Jim squeezed the firm muscles, and the augment growled softly. It had to be the sexiest sound that Jim had ever heard.

"Have you ever had a man inside of you?" Khan's question didn't come as much of a surprise since he'd made it pretty clear what he wanted. And right now Jim was more than willing to give it to him.

"Yeah, though not for a while," Jim admitted, then nodded towards his bedside table. "In the drawer."

Khan easily found the tube of lubricant where Jim had directed him. Jim relaxed against the bed and watched with eager anticipation as Khan finished stripping, then moved back between his thighs. Quickly coating two fingers, Khan slid them inside Jim. He grunted softly but Khan moved slowly enough that there was minimal discomfort.

The lubricant eased some of the burning stretch and Jim began to relax as the fingers started to move, stretching him for a much larger invasion. They curled inside of him, found his prostate, and Jim moaned. After Khan pulled his fingers away, he slicked his cock liberally. Jim wrapped his legs around the augment's hips as Khan moved into place, the head of his cock brushing against his slick hole. Jim shivered in anticipation.

When Khan pushed inside, Jim couldn't stop himself from crying out. It felt amazing, and the augment filled him slowly enough that there was very little pain. Soon Khan's hips were flush against his ass, his impressive length splitting Jim open. Jim could only stare up in awe at the beautiful creature poised above, ready to take him.

It began slowly, Khan allowing him the time to accustom to his size; every movement the augment made was rigidly controlled, his expression tense with concentration. All too, soon Jim was ready for more.

"I'm not made of glass," Jim panted, giving Khan a meaningful look. The augment arched a dark eyebrow at him, but nodded and gave Jim exactly what he asked for. The following thrusts were faster, harder and Jim grunted and moaned in approval. His own cock grew firmer once more with every teasing stroke inside of him.

When Jim was fully hard, Khan didn't hold back anymore; he braced his arms on either side of Jim's head and solidly fucked him. Jim's moans grew increasingly loud, especially when Khan began to voice his own pleasure. The look of concentration slipped from the augment's face to be replaced with something almost feral. Jim's hand slipped between them to stroke his own cock in time with the thrusts. He wasn't going to last long...

"Oh god!" Jim groaned loudly as he peaked a second time, his come splashing hot between them. Khan growled and pushed into Jim almost brutally before every muscle in his body drew taut. He came, hard and deep, then all but collapsed on top of Jim. Jim grunted softly under the unexpected weight, but he didn't protest in the least. He wrapped his arms around the shaking augment as Khan pressed his face into his neck. Jim held him long after the shaking had stopped.

* * *

The replicator was finished and Jim quickly loaded up a tray with the plates of pancakes and glasses of juice he'd ordered. It didn't occur to him until he'd gotten to the replicator that he hadn't asked Khan what he'd wanted for breakfast. The man hadn't seemed to care, but who didn't like pancakes, right?

Jim quickly made his way back to his quarters and wondered what they were going to do next. There weren't many options. They still needed to find out more about those bio-weapons. Where they were being made and who was making them? What were they going to be used for? Who had ordered their creation? Hell, any information would be useful at this point. After all they'd been through, it seemed as though they only had more questions than ever before.

He also wanted to find out who was responsible for Regula I and what had happened to Khan's crew. Khan might have some ideas...but Jim wasn't sure now would be a good time to bring it up to the augment. Not while the wounds were still so fresh.

Then there were the embryos that had been taken off of Cold Station 12, not to mention the massacre that had followed. What could Section 31 want with them? More experiments? That definitely didn't sit well with Jim.

Maybe they could still get some kind of a lead from the information they'd taken off of the computers at Cold Station 12. Damn, he wished they'd had the chance to at least look at any information that might have been available at Regula I, but it was too late to worry about that now.

As soon as he got to the bridge they'd have to contact Carol. Jim still didn't believe she was the one who'd led them into a trap, but if Section 31 had noticed whatever security loopholes Carol was using or had figured out that she had given them information, she could be in danger.

Jim opened the door to his quarters and stepped inside, only to freeze at the threshold. The room was still dim, but he could see Khan sitting on the edge of his bed, still naked, and holding Jim's phaser in his hand. But Khan wasn't pointing the phaser at him, he was pointing it at himself!


	2. Chapter 2

He had not woken with a lover in a long time. Centuries, if he was being technical, but even before his long cryosleep, it was not a practice Khan indulged in very often. Usually if Khan felt the need to relieve himself sexually, his own hand was sufficient. Sex was not something he actively sought for several reasons: he generally did not like being touched, even in a casual sense, and there had been a paucity of those he'd trusted enough to allow so close to him in such a 'vulnerable' situation. Sex could be a valuable tool, used as currency in exchange for information, resources, loyalty or almost anything. It still astounded him sometimes what someone might offer in exchange for something as fleeting as an orgasm.  Sex could even be used as a weapon, though Khan himself had never employed such methods that didn't mean he discounted the effects.  It had been many years since he had sought out a sexual partner by his own choice, merely for pleasure alone. Then again, last night had not really been about desire or sexual pleasure either, not for him at least.

It had been about escape, pure and simple.

Similar to the kind of escape one could sometimes find in the barrel of a gun...or a phaser for that matter.

Kirk certainly had a poor sense of timing.

He should have sensed Kirk's approach long before he heard the door open, and before the captain's sharp intake of breath pulled Khan from his contemplation of the weapon in his hands that had been left like a gift on Kirk's bedside table. Of course he knew that the young man had not left it there for that purpose. The captain had probably started keeping it there for protection, most likely from _him_ , whether Kirk would admit that or not. In any case, it was a gift that felt almost rude to refuse...

Khan's finger caressed the trigger of the phaser almost lovingly. He heard Kirk's gasp.

"Khan..." The younger man's voice was weak, afraid. Of course Khan had already known that; Kirk was projecting fear all around him like a foul cloud. It was a far cry from the sleepy warmth of the younger man's emotions when he had left.

It had been so....pleasant, an escape Khan had desperately needed. Khan knew that Kirk was not a man who would mistake sex for affection. He had been counting on that when he'd sought the young captain out. Counting on the young man's desire, and counting on Kirk's sympathy, despite Khan's revulsion to appear weak in front of the human. But at that point, Khan had hardly cared. As he'd told Kirk, all he wanted was to feel something else - anything else - even for just a few moments...

Kirk had given him that, and it had been surprisingly...nice. It was easy to become lost in the pleasure the younger man felt. Khan had barely cared about his own gratification, but he knew Kirk was not a man who would be content to leave a lover unsatisfied. It would have been a blow to his considerable pride. So Khan had taken on the 'dominant' role and fed greedily off of Kirk's passion. He'd felt drunk with it... Then, sated by the unexpected comfort the intimate act brought them both, he'd slept surprisingly peacefully.

"You know...if it was that bad, you could have just said something..." Kirk's quip held no humor. The tone was sharp, biting, and contained a note of actual anger, unlike the gentle teasing of this morning. Khan found he missed that, just as he missed the lazy warm embrace and feelings of contentment Kirk had projected upon waking him this morning. Those touches were both more and less intimate than those he'd shared the night before; simple kisses and caresses Kirk had apparently felt entitled to now that they'd fucked, much like the first night they'd spent together. Though surprisingly, Khan had found he hadn't minded them...and had missed them when Kirk had slipped out of the bed and out of the room, taking away both the warmth of his body and his mind. Allowing the cold to seep in once more.

Khan's lips curled upward, but there was no warmth in the gesture.

"I wouldn't have thought a man with your experience would need to hear compliments aloud to validate his performance, Kirk," he replied without looking up.

"Jim."

Khan did not look up but he did glance at Kirk from the corner of his eye at the unexpected response.

"Well, you're about to shoot yourself with my phaser, in my bed, where you fucked me last night. I think that puts us on a first name basis, don't you?" the young captain snapped.

Khan couldn't deny he was surprised. Out of everything, this was what the younger man chose to object to?  But he found he couldn't help but repeat the younger man's offered first name in his mind several times. It was not as though he did not know it, he had just never considered using it himself. However despite Kirk's point, in the end Khan rejected the offer. Somehow, it still seemed...wrong to address the captain so informally. They were still far from friends, even though they had been lovers.

Khan finally turned his head to look at the other man fully. Kirk's body was tense, as though Khan were pointing the phaser at the young captain rather than himself. His knuckles were bone-white where they clutched at the sides of the tray he was carrying. His hands were trembling slightly, barely perceivable, but noticeable to Khan. Kirk's eyes were wide, the young man still obviously shocked by this turn of events (though he truly shouldn't be). But there was also a note of...betrayal in Kirk's eyes.

"This has nothing to do with you," Khan stated. Kirk gave a disbelieving snort.

"Doesn't it?" The augment sighed heavily in annoyance. Perhaps Kirk's conscience was beginning to rub off on him, because the young man blaming himself for Khan's death had never occurred to him, and now it unsettled him more than he truly wanted to admit.

"No," Khan said firmly. "It was more than...enjoyable...Kirk. You gave me a moment of pleasure...of peace...that I did not think I would experience again. You have my gratitude."

Kirk's expression was indefinable, but the pain he felt from the young man was sharp and cut deep. He had not wanted this to be the last thing he felt. He...should have acted sooner. He should not have hesitated. He was not sure why he hesitated now. Khan looked down at the weapon in his hands. Turned up to its highest setting, the phaser would not even leave a body to dispose of. Nearly every atom should be vaporized, leaving nothing left...

"You don't have to do this," Kirk's voice was nearly a whisper. Khan did not look up but he could hear the faint rattle of the dishes on the tray as the young man's shaking increased. "You've made it this far. I know you've...suffered. But you can't avenge your crew -your family -if you're dead."

Khan almost had to smile at the attempt. Perhaps the young captain thought that would stay his hand. He couldn't fault the young man for jumping to that conclusion, to an outside eye, the argument had seemed to work back on Regula I.

"Do you really think I care for vengeance now, or your quaint ideas of justice, Kirk? I am tired. I wish to sleep again." _Sleep forever... It had been the only true peace he'd ever known..._

"We need you. We'll never be able to bring Section 31 down without you." Kirk quickly switched tactics, a note of desperation creeping into his words. At that, Khan couldn't help but agree. Kirk's mission to thwart Section 31's plans had so far been less than successful. It was something of a miracle Kirk and his crew were even still alive. They probably would not be for much longer if they continued on this fool's errand. But that was not his concern.

This was not his world. These were not his people, and never would be, despite the recent change in his and Kirk's relationship. Kirk was right, he no longer thought of the young captain as his enemy. Nor none of Kirk's crew, really - even the Vulcan - despite his dislike of many of them. But that did not make them allies, and this was no longer his fight. Khan shook his head, his finger lovingly caressing the trigger.

"Whatever debt I may have owed you for 'saving' me, I have long since paid, Kirk." He did not deny that he owed the young man for liberating him from the Starfleet scientists, even if Kirk had not done it chiefly for Khan's benefit. He even owed the captain for keeping his promise to locate his crew, though they had been beyond saving. But he had already paid those debts and then some. He had given his blood to save both Kirk _and_ Spock after the suicide bombing of the Section 31 agent on New Vulcan. He had given Kirk the information he had requested regarding Marcus' and Section 31's plans. He had aided in the young man's rescue from Cold Station 12 (even if Khan himself had been partially responsible for his capture in the first place). He had done his best to see that Kirk made it out alive from Regula I, and even seen that his crew survived the confrontation with the dreadnought. Whatever 'obligation' Khan may have had was over. He began to depress the trigger.

"Is that what you think _they_ would want, then? For you to kill yourself?"

Anger sparked briefly inside of him at Kirk's insinuation.

"You think you know the minds of my people better than I, Captain?"

"Why haven't you pulled the trigger then?"

* * *

Leonard woke with a groan. Slowly he straightened from his slumped position over his desk. His back ached, his head ached, and there was drool on the datapad he'd been reading when he'd...fallen asleep? No, he'd never just fallen asleep like this. Not even during medical school when it'd seemed he'd gotten barely an hour of sleep a week. And he rarely woke up with his head pounding, feeling like he'd spent the entire night before out drinking with Jim, especially when he hadn't even touched a drop of alcohol in weeks. That, of course, was due more to lack of time and supply than need, because certainly enough had happened in the last several weeks for him to desire getting drunk for at least a few hours respite. Therefore, he was pretty damned sure he hadn't done anything to result in this hung-over feeling he was experiencing now.

Leonard rubbed his hand over his face and blinked several times, attempting to clear away some of the fog. It took him awhile before he noticed the other datapad on his makeshift 'bed' blinking away with a message. Leonard frowned and activated the pad, ordering it to play back.

_"Hey, Bones. Don't worry, I'm keeping an eye on Khan. I'll fill you in later. Sleep tight."_ Jim's overly cheerful tone, the one he usually used when he was feeling guilty about something, made the feeling of nausea in Leonard's stomach worse. The way the doctor quickly turned and nearly fell out of his chair in his haste did not help his headache any either. His eyes quickly examined the medbay, perhaps hoping against hope that Jim was playing some kind of prank on him...

The medbay was empty.

Keeping an eye on Khan... Right... Jim had better not be keeping an eye on the augment the way Leonard suspected or... Or what? The two men were both consenting adults. What could he really do? Or say? Even if Leonard thought a physical relationship between the two was morally wrong, stupid, and unhealthy as hell for _both_ of them, it wasn't like he was either of their fathers. Thank god for that! But that wouldn't stop Leonard from boxing them _both_ about the ears!

Leonard stood up and groaned again at the feeling of nausea that settled in the pit of his stomach. He was beginning to get a sneaking feeling of why he felt so hung-over, and if he was right, he definitely _would_ be boxing them about the ears! Right after he got done yelling, and maybe even throwing up on them. It would serve them right for Khan drugging him and Jim letting him get away with it.

The doctor began stalking down the corridor towards Jim's quarters. He was just reaching for Jim's door chime, not caring about the early hour, when he heard the sound of a phaser being discharged in the room.

"Jim!"


	3. Chapter 3

He wasn't going to pull the trigger. If he were, he would have done it already.

That's what Jim told himself. But that didn't stop his heart from beating so hard and fast that it felt like it was about to tear its way out of his chest when he saw Khan's finger twitch on the trigger.

"You're not going to do it," Jim went on quickly, forcing confidence into his voice he really didn't feel. He hoped like hell that Khan couldn't pick up his doubts. If he could, then this probably wouldn't work. Saying such a thing to anyone else would be crazy, especially someone who'd already proven they were suicidal. But so far, all of Kirk's pleas for Khan to stop had only seemed to make the man more determined. So he needed another approach. "Do you want to know why?"

Khan's glare was nothing short of menacing, but at least the augment was looking at him again instead of the phaser. His finger was still on the trigger, but Khan still hadn't pressed it yet.

"Pray, tell me, Kirk. Since you are apparently such an expert." Khan's voice and expression reminded Jim of when they'd been on the _Vengeance,_ when the augment had threatened to destroy the life support on the _Enterprise_ and walk over the 'cold corpses' of his crew to retrieve his people. Khan had been completely ruthless, unfeeling, and even Spock had known to choose his next words very carefully because it had not been a threat, but a promise.

Jim now felt the same way. He'd better choose his next words very carefully, or Khan might just decide to use that phaser on _him_ before he used it on himself.

"I read about you, you know," he began, and was gratified to see the flicker of surprise in Khan's expression. Though the augment hid it well, Jim was starting to learn what to look for. Good, if he could keep Khan a little bit off-balance, maybe he could distract him from the phaser for a while longer.

To stall for time, Jim looked around for a place to set down the tray of food he was still holding. It was a miracle he hadn't simply dropped the damned thing when he entered his quarters to find Khan with the phaser. Stupid. Fucking stupid. He'd completely forgotten about the thing. And he never even considered...

He moved over to the desk-like structure on the far wall. It wasn't near Khan, so hopefully the augment wouldn't become even more defensive than he already was. Jim made sure to keep an eye on him the entire time. Once the food was safe, he turned back to Khan.

"It was when I was in the hospital, just after waking up from my little nap after being baked with radiation in the warp core. Thanks for the blood, by the way, even though I know it wasn't really your idea at the time." At the slight narrowing of Khan's brows, Jim rushed on, "Anyway, I couldn't stop thinking about you. What was going to happen to you? If you'd had your trial? I had a lot of questions. Bones and Spock thought I was a little crazy. Thought I might have been brain damaged, either from the radiation or your blood. They even checked my brain scans..."

"Get to the point!" Khan snapped, and despite the harshness of the tone, Jim felt a little more hopeful. After all, Khan still hadn't pressed the trigger.

"All right, fine. I couldn't get you out of my head, so I decided to do some digging. Hacked into some classified Starfleet files. Didn't find much, but I did find some info about you during the Eugenics Wars." Jim watched Khan's expression carefully, but the augment's face was set in stone, giving nothing away. He pushed on anyway.

"I read about how you took power. Pretty impressive, I gotta say. I know Spock was wrong, when he accused you of the mass genocide of anyone you considered to be inferior. There were no massacres under your rule, no wars unless you were attacked first. They called you the 'best of tyrants', and you were the last to be overthrown. But even with the entire world against you, you didn't stop. You escaped Earth, went into cryosleep with your crew, and here you are."

"I am still waiting for your point, Captain," Khan repeated, sounding both irritated and bored at the same time. But at least he was still listening.

"My point is you never fucking gave up! Ever! No matter what happened. And I can't help but admire you for that! You're not going to pull that trigger because you're not a fucking coward! Because if you do, everything you and your people suffered will have been for nothing!" Jim's voice rose with every word until he was practically shouting.

Khan looked like he'd just been slapped; eyes so wide it was almost comical. His expression quickly changed to one of absolute fury, and before Jim knew it, Khan was on his feet and he was certain the augment was about to attack him. Especially when the motion was accompanied by an enraged roar from the augment. Then, to Jim's shock, Khan heaved the phaser with all his strength against the wall. Jim didn't stop to think. Once the weapon left Khan's hand, he tackled the naked man to the ground.

Not to restrain, but to protect. Jim heard the phaser go off as it hit the wall, felt the heat from the explosion. The room was suddenly filled with the smell of burning plastic and frying circuitry. Jim honestly didn't care what had been hit so long as it wasn't the exterior hull or either of them! An alarm began to blare, but none of that mattered because the room was still pressurized. He was fine and so was Khan... Well, maybe not fine but at least still alive.

Jim pushed himself up off the augment and stared down at Khan with furious eyes. Khan looked back, then opened his mouth as though to speak, but Jim didn't give him the chance. Jim punched the augment as hard as he could. He knew he'd probably done some damage to his hand, but he didn't care. He heard someone shouting and pounding on his door, but he didn't care about that either. Khan looked absolutely stunned. Which just made Jim want to punch him again. And to keep punching him until his fists were bloody and he'd broken every bone in his hand.

Instead, he grabbed Khan by the head and kissed him hard.

* * *

He should know better than to underestimate Kirk by now. The young human was far more intelligent, perceptive, and resourceful than most people gave him credit for. Including Khan, it seemed; he hadn't thought there was anything Kirk could possibly say to change his mind about ending his own life.

He had been wrong.

Or perhaps he had simply been denying the truth. If he had truly wanted to end his own life, he could have done so the night before after incapacitating the doctor. There were any number of means he could have employed using much of the medical equipment found in the medbay. Instead, he had come to Kirk. If he had truly wanted to shoot himself using Kirk's conveniently-placed phaser, he could have done so any time after the young man had left. Instead, he had hesitated long enough for Kirk to return. Long enough for the young man to attempt to talk him out of it... And succeed.

The realization brought him no comfort, only more anger and disappointment at the loss of the peace he so desperately craved, It was frustrating knowing that his pain was not at an end, and probably never would be. He was disgusted by his own 'cowardliness,' as Kirk had put it, and the desperation and hopelessness he felt that had driven him to this point. And guilt... Because Kirk was right... perhaps he simply needed to hear it out loud. If he gave up now, if he took his own life, all that his people had suffered would have been in vain...

Khan could not dishonor their memory that way, even if every single one of them would have fully understood, even forgiven him. Because none of them would have wished to see his suffering continue. But peace had never been an option, not for him.

He didn't even remember standing. Or throwing the phaser. The cry of frustration, pain, and anger that ripped from his throat sounded more animalistic than human. Khan certainly wasn't prepared when Kirk suddenly tackled him, and that was surely the only way the young human had managed to knock him over. In hindsight, throwing the dangerous, active weapon hard enough against the wall to dent both the bulkhead and the phaser casing wasn't his smartest move, even though he hadn't truly been thinking at the time.

At least he was not the only one acting on emotion and impulse. That had to be the only explanation as to why Kirk suddenly punched him and then kissed him. Khan could feel equal amounts of anger and relief coming from the young man as Kirk practically attacked his lips. Overwhelmed by the sheer amount of emotion bombarding him, Khan did the only thing he could think of. He parted his lips and allowed Kirk to take what he wanted - needed - right now. He let Kirk's emotions, as chaotic as they were, to ground him.

Eventually the kiss became gentle. Relief began to win out over the anger Kirk felt, though it was still present when the young man pulled back to glare at him with blazing eyes.

"If you ever do something like that again, so help me..." Kirk didn't finish the sentence. He looked like he wanted to punch Khan again. Or kiss him. Kirk didn't get the chance to do either. The pounding on the door that had actually been going on for some time grew more insistent. It sounded as if Kirk's justifiably concerned crew was going to force the door open any moment. The young man gave a frustrated sigh, and ordered, "Don't move."

Kirk climbed off of him and stood. Khan sat up and leaned against the bed, but otherwise obeyed.  Then caught the robe that the captain threw to him.

"Put that on," Kirk demanded, and though Khan frowned at the tone, again he obeyed. He should probably feel grateful that the young man was trying to preserve his dignity, though it hardly mattered. The captain's expression softened abruptly, and when the young man reached out to run his fingers through the mess of Khan's hair he didn't flinch away. He may have even leaned into the gentle touch.

"I'll be right outside, just...just stay here and don't do anything, all right? I'll be right back," Kirk promised, gently caressing Khan's face. Khan nodded. Unsure sure why he was being so accepting of taking orders from the younger man like this, he did so. It felt easier than to think for himself right now. He should be appalled... Instead, he simply nodded and closed his eyes, leaning into Kirk's touch.

The young man drew away. In body at least. He could still feel Kirk's emotions...tightly wrapped around Khan like a blanket. Soothing, comforting, protecting...even as Kirk moved towards the door. Khan allowed himself to become lost in the feeling, a small sigh of relief escaping his lips.

* * *

It felt like one of the hardest things Jim had ever had to do, leaving Khan like that, now, after everything that had just happened. The last time he'd left Khan alone, the augment had nearly vaporized himself, for fucks sake! But even knowing that the phaser was now useless and Jim was pretty sure he didn't have any other weapons stashed away in his bedroom that Khan could get his hands on, it didn't make him feel any better about leaving him alone. However, if Jim didn't take care of whoever was frantically pounding on his door, his crew was going to simply break in, and then Jim would face a lot more questions than he really wanted to answer right now.

So, Jim rubbed his sweating palms on his sleep pants, plastered on what he hoped was a less-panicked expression, and ordered the door to his quarters to open...to his entire crew apparently. Fuck. Scotty looked up from where he'd evidently been in the process of overriding his door's security measures, and everyone else began talking at the same time. Some of them were also still dressed in their sleeping clothes.

"Captain! Thank god."

"What the hell was that damned explosion?!"

"Are you all right, Captain?"

"Captain, the ship's sensors indicated there was a weapons discharge in your quarters..."

"Keptin! Are you all right?"

"Jim! What the hell is going on! Where's Khan?"

At McCoy's mention of Khan's name, everyone grew quiet and looked to Jim for an explanation. He hadn't felt this uncomfortable under the scrutiny of his peers since his accused cheating on the Kobiashi Maru scenario.

Fuck...

Jim put on a reassuring smile before answering, "Everything is under control. Just a little accident, nothing to worry about. I'll explain later. Return to your posts."

None of them looked convinced, least of all Spock and Bones. Jim's expression and voice turned firm.

"I said, return to your posts. That's an order," He stated, infusing all the authority into his voice as he could. He was still the captain, damn it.

Looks were shared between his crewmates, but Scotty, Chekov, Uhura, and Sulu eventually began to move away. Unsurprisingly, Bones and Spock were not so easily appeased. Spock appeared more curious and a little concerned than anything else. Bones looked downright furious.

"Captain..." Spock began, but Jim held up his hand.

"Not now, Spock. I mean it. I promise I'll explain later. I'll join you on the bridge in a little while." The Vulcan looked as though he wanted to argue, but nodded instead and walked away towards the turbolift. That left only Bones.

"What the hell have you done, Jim?!" At least the doctor waited till everyone else was gone to explode at him, but his friend's outburst still hit Jim like a punch to the gut. He'd known he would have to face the doctor's wrath eventually, especially considering what had just happened in his room... But he didn't have time just now; Khan needed him now more than Bones needed an explanation.

"This isn't a good time, Bones. I told you, I'll explain later. Khan is fine." The lie felt vile on his tongue, but at least it was partially true. Khan was fine physically at least. They both knew that the augment was far from mentally healthy. "I'm fine too, in case you're wondering. I'll bring Khan back to the medbay in a bit. We'll talk then."

His eyes pleaded with the elder man. At first he wasn't sure that the doctor was going to give in, that he might have to physically restrain Bones from trying to push his way into his quarters to see the augment for himself. But eventually the doctor's expression shifted from anger to something much worse. Disappointment.

Bones left without another word. Jim felt awful. But he took a deep breath, squared his shoulders, and went back in his room to deal with Khan. The augment was exactly where Jim had left him, sitting on the floor leaning back against his bed. The robe he'd hastily given Khan to wear was wrapped around him, though it exposed more than it hid. His head was tilted back against the mattress and to the side a little, his dark hair falling haphazardly into his face. His eyes were closed and for a moment Jim wasn't sure whether or not Khan was asleep.

He approached the augment slowly, but didn't try to muffle his steps. He didn't want to startle the man, after all. The room still smelled strongly of burnt wiring and it made Jim's stomach turn. Thankfully, the fire suppression systems aboard the _Va'khen_ were in good working order, though Scotty would probably yell at him later for adding to the damage already needing to be repaired from their tangle with the dreadnought.

Jim knelt down beside Khan.

"Hey," he almost whispered, "You still with me?"

Jim resisted the urge to reach out and touch Khan until he had a better handle on the augment's state of mind. He didn't want to end up with any broken bones...or with a limb torn off. The augment's eyes fluttered open and he looked at Jim, though it seemed like the man was having a little trouble focusing. His pale eyes were glassy and his skin had taken on a sallow hue. He didn't look well. Maybe Jim should have let Bones come in to check on Khan after all...

"Yes," Khan answered, but his voice was distant, as though he wasn't quite sure himself of the answer.

Jim finally did reach out then, but it was to press his fingers at the older man's neck, checking his pulse. It seemed all right, more-or-less steady and strong. He pressed his hand to Khan's forehead next, but he didn't feel too hot or cold.

"How are you feeling?" Jim asked, almost afraid of the answer. Khan snorted softly.

"Do not ask questions you do not want to know the answer to."

"Should I call Dr. McCoy?" Jim wasn't really surprised when the augment shook his head. Only now Jim was at a bit of a loss of what to do. He hadn't really thought beyond stopping Khan from killing himself. Now what? Jim sighed heavily. "Come on, let's get off the floor."

Jim grasped Khan's arm and helped the augment up. Khan seemed unsteady and Jim could feel fine tremors running through his body. He helped rearrange Khan's robe so it offered a bit more modesty, then laid him down on the bed. The augment offered no resistance or comment. His passivity was starting to worry Jim; it reminded Jim of those days Khan had spent in the medbay, seeming barely aware of what was going on around him. It was as if a part of him had simply...switched off. Jim didn't want that to happen again. Who knew when, or if, Khan would snap out of it?

Khan surprised him by catching Jim's robe and yanking him forward, and it was all Jim could do to reach out to stop himself from falling on the other man.

"Khan! What...?" But the augment cut off his protests with a kiss, pushing his tongue into Jim's mouth and groaning in such need that the captain became almost instantly hard. It took an admittedly supreme effort to wrench his mouth away with a gasp.

"Khan, no. Remember what you said last night? Well, this is me saying no. No way. Not like this," Jim stated firmly. Khan seemed genuinely surprised at first, then the man frowned, clearly displeased.

"Why?"

Jim shook his head in disbelief.

"Why? You just tried to kill yourself! With my own phaser, in my own bed, remember?"

"I told you, that had nothing to do with you."

"I don't care. The answer is still no." There was no way Khan was acting in his right mind at the moment. Jim never should have given in to Khan last night. He definitely wasn't giving in now, no matter how much Khan might say he wanted it, for whatever reason.

Khan's scowl deepened and he started to pull away, but Jim didn't let him. He wrapped his arms tightly around the augment, holding Khan firmly against him and earning him a confused look. The fact that Khan was displaying his emotions so openly now was only further proof he wasn't in control of himself, and there was no way in hell Jim was going to take advantage of the man in this state.

"Hey, I didn't say 'never again'. Once you're feeling better...we can talk about it. But not now, all right?" Jim explained gently. Khan huffed in annoyance, giving Jim a fierce glare that actually made the young man feel a little better; that was more like the augment he knew.

"Do not treat me like a child," Khan snapped. Jim shook his head.

"I'm not. I want to help you, Khan. But not like that. If there's something else I can do, tell me, and I'll do it." The augment's glare intensified for a moment, but then his expression settled on mere annoyance. Khan sighed heavily, but then pressed closer to Jim, settling in the younger man's arms as though he were trying to relax. Jim shifted so that they could both be more comfortable. Their faces were inches apart, and Khan's eyes had regained some of their clarity, but they still seemed almost...dull.

The augment reached up to touch the side of Jim's face, similar to how he had last night, and Jim almost flinched. But Khan shook his head.

"It's not the same thing. This makes focusing...easier," he explained, though Jim wasn't sure he really understood. Still, when the augment touched him, he didn't get that horrifyingly feeling of drowning in pain like he had when Khan had shared his emotions with him last night. This time, it seemed, rather than projecting, Khan was...pulling him in. The feeling was...intimate.

"What are you doing?" he asked. Khan shook his head.

"I don't know... But it helps," the augment replied almost hesitantly, as though he were afraid Jim was going to tell him to stop. He didn't. As they lay there like that, Jim allowed his hold around Khan to relax a little. His hands began to rub slow circles along the augment's back, and he felt Khan's ridged muscles begin to soften against him.

"I'm going to find a way to help you," Jim promised gently after a time. Khan didn't answer. Jim wasn't sure if it was because the augment was already asleep, or because Khan didn't believe him.


	4. Chapter 4

He wasn't stalling. At least, that's what Jim told himself. He wasn't sure how long they lay in bed together. Longer than they probably should have. Maybe they were both trying to recapture that moment when they'd first woken up together, when things had actually felt _good_ for a short time. It didn't really work, but that didn't stop him from trying.

Jim continued to rub soothing circles along Khan's back, and Khan...did whatever it was he was doing. Jim didn't mind it; it felt a little odd, but not in a bad way. It was actually quite pleasant, like they were touching in more than just the physical sense. Jim did his best to think pleasant thoughts and keep himself as calm as possible, since that's when Khan seemed most relaxed.

Which wasn't exactly easy, given the circumstances. Sometimes he didn't even realize that his thoughts began to turn darker and his anger or worry started to bleed through, until he felt Khan's relaxed body start to stiffen again in his arms. Jim quickly turned his thoughts elsewhere whenever he caught it happening. Mostly he thought about last night since that _had_ been pleasant. Very pleasant. And so had the morning after, up to a point.

Jim couldn't help but wonder... If he'd never left Khan to go get the damned breakfast, of all things... If he'd instead given into Khan's pleasant attempts to start another quick round before Jim had to depart for the bridge, would it still have happened? Jim had a feeling it wouldn't have mattered; Khan had been a ticking time bomb just waiting to go off. Maybe he wouldn't have tried this morning, or even today or tomorrow, but he would have tried eventually. At least this time, Jim had been here to talk him down.

But what about the next time?

He felt Khan begin to tense again, and sighed heavily. It was futile really. He couldn't pretend it hadn't happened, and they couldn't hide away in his quarters forever. Jim's crew was waiting - surprisingly patiently - for an explanation. Jim certainly owed them one. Especially Bones.

But he supposed the explanations could wait for just a bit longer.

Jim gently drew back to look at Khan. The augment blinked his eyes open at his movement and looked up at Jim questioningly. He seemed more focused and less pale than earlier, both of which Jim took as a good signs.

"Come on. Let's hope you didn't damage the circuits that control the showers." Jim's attempt at a joke earned him a soft snort from the other man but no other comment. He regretfully untangled himself from the augment and helped Khan to stand. The fact that Khan didn't protest the assistance worried Jim a little, but he tried not to show it. Instead, he led the way into the bathroom and turned on the sonic shower. It started up with no issue. Then he turned to face Khan just in time to see the augment's robe fall to the floor at his feet.

Jim swallowed hard.

Last night the room had been mostly dark, and this morning he'd been a lot more concerned with Khan's mental health than his lack of clothing. But now, Jim finally got a good look at Khan in all his glory and...damn. A knowing smirk pulled at the augment's lips, and Jim ordered his traitorous hormones to behave themselves. He'd made a decision, damn it, and Khan wasn't going to change his mind. No matter how god-damned sexy he looked...

"The answer is still no," Jim confirmed, both to Khan and to his libido. The augment merely shrugged as though it didn't matter to him one way or another. Bastard. Khan moved past him to enter the shower and Jim stood rooted in place, unsure what to do. If he joined Khan, he was just asking for trouble. But he certainly didn't want to leave the augment alone, standing there and staring at the other man like a pervert. With a sigh, Jim undid his own robe, dropped his sleeping pants, and stepped into the shower. Khan gave him another knowing look, his pale eyes trailing boldly down the length of Jim's body.

"You're a bastard," Jim muttered, and pushed on the older man's shoulder to encourage Khan to turn around so at least that intense stare wasn't directed at him anymore. Although this view wasn't much better... actually it was a very nice view, and...  that was the problem. A fine warm mist began to build up around them, making the muscles of Khan's back glisten. Jim gave into the urge to run his hands over them. He was only human, after all.

Khan made an approving sound so Jim reached for the soap and poured a good amount into his hand. At least he could pretend that what he was doing was functional. He was helping Khan wash his back, not feeling him up. Okay, not _just_ feeling him up. And he was doing pretty well...until Khan decided to open his mouth.

"I would let you fuck me, Kirk," the augment said as casually as he might have commented on the weather, and Jim choked a little.

"What?" he finally managed to squeak.

"All you need to do is ask," Khan continued. Jim shook his head.

"I'm not asking," he replied firmly. Khan hummed thoughtfully.

"You prefer to take then?" His tone might have been relaxed but his meaning was not, and Jim's hands froze on the other man's shoulders.

"That's not funny."

They both remained silent for several uncomfortable moments, and Jim began to wonder if maybe he should leave after all.

"It is not. I apologize." Jim knew that Khan meant it, the only other time the augment had actually apologized to him he had sounded like he was uttering the words under great duress. Like now. Jim sighed heavily.

"Why do you do that?" he asked after a time, trying not to sound as hurt and disappointed as he felt, even though Khan could probably feel it. "You know I'm...not like the men who hurt you." _Don't you?_ He wanted to ask, but he wasn't sure he really wanted the answer.  He didn't believe it was possible that Khan could genuinely think of him like that, given the trust the augment placed in him. Even at this very moment. But...what if he truly thought Jim capable of those things? What if Khan's 'trust' in him was merely the choice of a lesser evil?

Khan leaned back into him, and instinct had Jim wrapping his arms around the other man's waist, though his doubts made him wonder if he should. Did he need any more proof that what had happened last night was perhaps one of the stupidest things Jim had ever done? Bones was right. Jim was an idiot and he deserved any verbal lashing the doctor decided to dish out at him after this.

"You are not...like them." Khan's voice was almost a whisper, but there was a sincerity in his words he didn't think even the augment could fake. Jim sighed more softly this time and pressed a kiss to the Khan's damp shoulder.

"We're really fucked up. You know that?"

Khan snorted softly.

"Yes."

Well, at least they were on the same page.

* * *

After the shower Jim insisted that they eat the pancakes, even though they were almost cold by then, and neither of them had much of an appetite. But as far as he knew, Khan hadn't eaten for days, and even though he did little more than scowl at Jim and pick the pancakes apart with his fork, a few bites did manage to pass his lips. As for Jim, he didn't think he'd ever be able to eat pancakes again without thinking of the smell of burnt circuitry, which he knew from experience didn't smell like burnt flesh, but was still an uncomfortable reminder. He didn't think he liked pancakes anymore...

"What are you thinking about?" Khan's question brought back a slightly more pleasant memory, though even that was tainted, given what had happened after he'd asked it earlier that morning. Jim finally pushed his plate away.

"It's not important. If you're finished, we should probably head to the medbay. I need to talk to Bones." Khan raised an eyebrow at his obvious avoidance tactic, but didn't comment. They left the mess that was Jim's quarters and made their way to the medbay. Bones was waiting for them, stomping around the place and growling to himself like an extremely irritated grizzly bear.

When Jim cleared his throat announcing their presence, the doctor turned to glare at both of them.

"You, on the biobed, now. And you, wait in my office," he demanded, pointing to each of them in turn. Jim looked at Khan, who appeared completely unconcerned by the doctor's ire. The augment gave a small shrug, and marched into the medbay with all the dignity and confidence of the sovereign he had once been. Jim wondered how much of it was an act. Jim also didn't feel very comfortable about the upcoming confrontation, but he did as he was told. As much as he hated letting Khan out of his sight, he went to the doctor's office to wait. Khan was in good hands, after all.

* * *

"Lie down," the doctor ordered. Though Khan raised an eyebrow at the tone, he did not argue; it would be pointless and only irritate the man further. He did as he was told, though his eyes followed Kirk as the young man made his way out of the room. The captain was nervous and justifiably so. The doctor's anger was substantial. But Khan could tell that his anger mostly stemmed from concern.

McCoy retrieved his tricorder and began to scan him with it.

"Tell me what happened this morning," he demanded as he took some readings.

"I'm sure the captain is more than capable of explaining-"

"I want to hear it from you first," the doctor interrupted. Khan sighed heavily but relented.

"I contemplated shooting myself with the captain's phaser, Kirk convinced me otherwise." Dr. McCoy froze in the middle of his scan, the shock written clearly on his face even if Khan hadn't been able to sense it. Though he was unsure of whether the doctor was more surprised that he'd attempted suicide, or simply by the bluntness of his tone.

"Why-"

"Do not ask foolish questions, Doctor." It was Khan's turn to interrupt. Dr. McCoy gave a slow nod, and resumed scanning.

At length, he cautiously asked, "Are you going to try again?" Khan thought about the question for a long time before finally answering.

"I don't know."

It was probably not the answer the doctor wanted to hear.

* * *

By the time Leonard finally made it into his office after examining Khan, Jim was slumped over in one of the chairs and holding his head in his hands. The young man looked up with an almost panicked expression when Leonard keyed the door closed behind him.

"He shouldn't be left alone..." Jim began, but Leonard held up his hand to forestall any further protests.

"He's sedated. You can relax," the doctor reassured him, then walked over to his desk where he pulled out a bottle and two glasses. He poured a good amount of amber liquor into each glass and then slid one over to Jim. Leonard didn't waste any time downing his own portion and poured himself another. Jim drank down his own glass just as quickly, and Leonard refilled it.

The two men simply stared at each other for a while.

"What did he tell you?" Jim finally asked. Leonard gave a heavy sigh and ran a weary hand over his face.

"Everything. More than I really wanted to know, in fact," he admitted. Jim winced and stared down at the drink in his hands but made no move to consume it. "For what it's worth, it wasn't your fault."

Jim snorted softly in disbelief.

"I'm sure I didn't help matters any," the young man muttered, and it was Leonard's turn to snort.

"Oh, then you didn't stop him from incinerating himself?"

"That's not what I meant..."

"I know what you meant!" The doctor snapped back. "Dammit, Jim! How could you ever think for one second, that sleeping with him was a good idea? He was unstable even before all this, and have you forgotten that only a couple months ago he nearly killed you? Hell, he nearly killed all of us! I've seen you do some dumb things, but this takes the cake."

Jim only nodded, looking down into his glass miserably.

_'Jesus Christ, please don't tell me you've gone and fallen for him, kid. That's the last thing either of you needs.'_ Leonard thought helplessly, downed another glass of whiskey, then collapsed into the chair across from Jim. He rubbed his head in exhaustion. The lingering effects of the sedative weren't helping either, despite the meds he'd taken to reverse them.

He sighed again.

"How is he?" Jim finally looked up at him as he asked.

"I don't know, Jim. Physically he seems well enough, but his neural scans are all over the place. I can't make any sense of it. I'm honestly surprised that he's as coherent and relatively sane as he is. I really don't know if he's the luckiest, or unluckiest, bastard in the universe," Leonard said bluntly and Jim winced.

"Please tell me you've made some progress locating an empathic species that might be able to help?" Jim pleaded.

"Actually, I might have. The planet is called Betazed, in the Beta Veldonna star system. The Betazoid are said to be a humanoid telepathic and empathic species. The Federation has been trying to get them to join for a while now, but they don't have a strong presence there yet." Almost before Leonard finished explaining, Jim was nodding and back on his feet.

"I'll tell Spock to set course. We can finish repairs en route," Jim said, turning to leave.

"You know he was sexually assaulted, right?" Jim froze at Leonard's words, his hand hovering in mid-air by the door controls. The doctor watched as that hand curled into a tight fist, noticed the bruising already there. From the looks of it, he wouldn't be surprised if some of Jim's knuckles were already fractured. He didn't need to guess how it had happened. The way Jim punched the wall beside the door probably didn't help either. With a sigh, Leonard rose from his chair.

"Let me get the bone knitting laser and tissue regenerator-"

"Why didn't you say something before?" Jim cut him off, his voice quiet, proof of how upset the younger man really was. He'd known Jim for a long time, after all. Sure he got loud and shouted when he was angry, but when he was really pissed off? He got scarily quiet. And physical.

"Doctor-patient privilege, you know that, Jim. I found evidence of it, mostly internal scarring, when we first rescued him. It's more-or-less healed, but I thought it was important you knew since you're fucking him now," Leonard said bluntly. Jim flinched.

"I didn't fuck him..."

"Yeah, I know," Leonard replied dryly. That had definitely been one of the things he could have done without knowing. But Khan had been surprisingly forthcoming about what had happened between them, almost as though he were trying to absolve Jim of any blame. "I don't know what's going on between you two, but as his doctor, and your friend, I don't think it's healthy. For either of you."

Jim didn't look at him, but after a long time the young man nodded.

"I know..."


	5. Chapter 5

She smiled politely at the guard on her way in. She had seen him several times before, even chatted with him once or twice, though never extensively, when she had come here with her father. He recognized her and returned her smile, though the expression held a note of sympathy.

"Good evening, Dr. Marcus. My condolences. Your father was a great man," the guard greeted her warmly. That was a good sign.

"Thank you, Corporal Simmons, isn't it?" she asked him. The young man's eyes practically lit up. She knew he'd had something of a crush on her for awhile, though of course she'd never before encouraged it. Now, however, it could prove useful.

She allowed her smile to turn a little shy, and blushed prettily. The young man didn't fail to notice, and though he seemed a bit surprised at first, he was definitely pleased. He straightened and his eyes filled with interest.

"Yes, ma'am. Is there anything I can help you with tonight, Dr. Marcus?" he asked with no small amount of anticipation. Carol felt a little bad for manipulating the young corporal's affections like this, but it was necessary; all of her other efforts to gain entry to her father's office within the Starfleet Administration building had failed. Remarkably, it was one of the few buildings that had not been too badly damaged by the crash of the Vengeance. Though most of Starfleet's high ranking officers had been relocated for security reasons and the building was now virtually empty, security was still tight.

With her father dead, officially killed in action, unofficially under investigation by Starfleet for treason, it was understandable that her father's office would be off-limits to almost everyone, even his daughter, while the investigation was under way. What she doing was risky, and she had promised Jim that she would not take any unnecessary chances, but she had also vowed to help them any way she could. She knew, perhaps even better than Jim did, what the young captain was up against. She had to do this.

There may not be anything there to find. Her father was no fool and would not simply leave information lying around and risk implicating himself. But no one had known her father like she had... If there was anything to find, she knew she could find it.

So she turned on the charm as much as she could, practically batting her eyelashes at the infatuated young man before asking, "I know I shouldn't ask..."

* * *

It had gone easier than she expected. A little flirting combined with a few not-so-faked tears, and the young corporal had been practically falling over himself to let her into her father's private office. When she'd politely asked him for a moment alone, he didn't even bat an eye, even going so far as to tell her with an understanding expression she could take all the time she needed.

Perfect. At most, the price for getting into the office would cost her a date. Not exactly a hardship. But as long as Simmons kept quiet, with luck, no one will even know she'd ever been here.

She couldn't help feeling a sharp pang of sadness as she looked around her father's office. She'd come to visit him here often. It always seemed like he spent more time here than at home. Always working. As though he were afraid Starfleet would fall apart without him there to see that things were done right. Her mother had once joked, sadly, that her father had been married to Starfleet, not to her. It was one of the many reasons her father and mother had eventually divorced, though they had still tried to get along afterwards for her benefit. Even as busy as her father had been, he always tried to give Carol a moment of his time when he could. He had been so proud of her when she'd graduated from Starfleet Academy. The picture of her, her father, and mother at her graduation day still sat on the edge of his desk...

Carol swallowed down the lump in her throat and pushed back the memories that threatened to overwhelm her. It still gave her nightmares, watching her father die...his skull. She had never seen anything so horrible in her life.

She had seen him before: Khan, then called John Harrison. She'd never spoken to him, her father had never allowed it. But even then, she had seen such hatred in his eyes when he looked at her father. She'd never understood why. Now...

After what her father had nearly done to Jim and the crew of the _Enterprise_... Her father had been ready to kill them all, not only the innocent Starfleet officers aboard the _Enterprise_ , but the people inside the torpedoes as well. He'd been planning to kill them from the beginning. He'd known...known that there were people inside of them when he'd ordered Jim to use them. He'd sabotaged the _Enterprise_ , leaving them stranded in Klingon space. If the Klingons hadn't killed them all, then the _Vengeance_ would have. He even admitted that aloud. He was never going to allow them to live...

She knew she could never forgive him. Khan. But she knew her father had brought it on himself. She could only imagine what Khan must have gone through, what kind of desperation he must have felt to hide the cryotubes containing his people inside torpedoes of all things.

She was afraid what she might find here, in her father's records. She already knew she could never truly forgive him either. She was afraid to learn what else the man might have done or been planning. She was afraid that it would make the last words she'd spoken to her father true, that she was ashamed to be his daughter... Those words had been spoken in anger and betrayal. But he was still her father and she couldn't help but love him. The man she thought he was...she was terrified to find out that had all been a lie.

But her fears would not stop her from trying to find the truth, if only for her own peace of mind, but to also aid Jim Kirk, who had done so much for her. Even though he was now helping Khan, Jim would not have done that on a whim. Mr. Spock had explained as much as he could about the situation when he'd contacted her, and what he'd told her had scared her. If her father's plans had not died with him, and Section 31 was truly creating biological weapons...they had to be stopped. So she had agreed to find as much information as she could.

Carol knew checking the main terminal in the office would be pointless. Her father had always been a bit paranoid and would never have left sensitive information on a terminal connected to Starfleet's network which could potentially be hacked into. Besides, Starfleet Security would have already gone through those records and confiscated them before deleting them.

It took some searching, but she finally found her father's hidden safe. The combination turned out to be her parent's wedding anniversary, and she opened it to find several datapads stacked inside, along with other valuables belonging to her father. She grabbed the data pads, leaving the rest. Her heart hammered in her chest as she powered one on and began skimming the files on it, praying it was what she had been looking for. Another part of her prayed it wasn't.

"Oh my god..." she whispered in the middle of reading one of the files. She was so horrified by what she found that she almost didn't hear the office door opening behind her.

* * *

They were on their way to Betazed. It had taken very little persuasion to convince Spock that it was their next best course of action; they didn't have very many other options. Khan's mental instability was only going to get worse the longer the man remained untreated, and having an unstable augment on board the _Va'khen_ , who'd already proven he was both a danger to himself and others, was definitely not something any of them wanted to gamble with. There was no telling when Khan might snap again, and the next time it happened Jim might not be able to talk him down.

Jim knew that Spock still felt partially responsible for Khan's worsening mental condition. It might not have been intentional, but the mind meld had only worsened Khan's already fragile mental state. Without any barriers the man was at the mercy of his empathy. Unable to block out the emotions of others, on top of learning the fate of his crew, not to mention the very real horrors the man had experienced at the hands of Marcus and Starfleet, Augment or no that would push any man towards their breaking point. Jim was afraid that Khan was nearing his. If he hadn't reached it already.

The captain sighed heavily and rubbed his hand over his face in exhaustion. He was worried about Khan. He hadn't been lying when he'd told Khan that they wouldn't be able to complete this endeavor without him; Khan's knowledge and experience had already proven vital to their mission. But their success, should the augment prove unable to continue on with them, was actually one of the least of Jim's worries. He was concerned about the man, period. Not the mission, the man. If it were any other of Jim's crewmates, he wouldn't be surprised by this. He'd always valued the safety and well-being of his crew above anything else. But Khan was different. Jim had a feeling things would always be different when it came to Khan, but considering their history, that wasn't much of a surprise.

Jim honestly wasn't sure how to classify Khan anymore. Technically he was still a prisoner of Starfleet. But considering Jim's own status with Starfleet was now uncertain at best, and the fact that he was working with Khan towards common goals, Jim didn't really consider the man a prisoner. Especially now that Khan wasn't even being confined to the brig anymore (mostly because he'd destroyed it). Instead, he spent most of his time confined to the medbay. Jim would probably never go so far as to call them friends, but they weren't enemies. Not anymore, they had been through too much together now for that. Khan had risked his life and the lives of Jim's crew - needlessly Jim still thought - but he'd also saved Jim and his crew more than once. Jim couldn't _not_ respect the man for that.

Then of course there was the very complicated issue that they'd slept together. Normally it wouldn't be so complicated, at least not for Jim. But everything that had to do with Khan seemed complicated in one way or another. It was just one night. It had been enjoyable, for both of them. A bit of stress relief. A way for both of them to take their minds off of bigger worries. It had been good, great even. But then Khan had tried to kill himself, and McCoy had told Jim about...

Of course Jim had suspected. He wasn't stupid, and the Section 31 operative that they'd captured on New Vulcan had all but admitted to it. But perhaps Jim had been in denial about it this whole time. Even now it almost didn't seem possible that something like...that could happen to a man like Khan. But Bones would never lie about something like that. He never would have told Jim either if he hadn't thought it was necessary.

Only now, Jim didn't have a clue how to act around Khan. In fact, he'd been pretty much avoiding the augment ever since Bones had told him what had been done to him. Now, Jim couldn't help but go over every interaction they'd had in his mind and see it in another light. Jim had never completely understood why Khan had begun...well, hitting on him was really the only way to describe it. At first Jim thought Khan was merely playing with him, that he'd noticed Jim's attraction, probably even before Jim himself did, and twisted it around in an attempt to humiliate him, manipulate him, or both. Jim had gone along with it, even almost boasting to Spock that he could use it to manipulate Khan right back. But after their encounter in the brig, after Khan had learned about the mind meld, and Jim had goaded him into attacking him, things had begun to change. Khan had kissed him. They'd both crossed lines. Suddenly it was no longer a game. And then after Regula I...

But after what Bones had told him... Internal scarring the doctor had said... When had it happened? How often? Who had done it to him? It made Jim sick to think about what could have hurt Khan so badly that the man still had scarring when Jim had seen how quickly the augment healed from serious injuries.  Injuries that would cripple or kill any normal human.

The night Khan had come to him, Jim had thought he'd understood. Khan had been in so much pain. He'd felt so alone. Khan had trusted him enough to see him vulnerable. He had let Jim feel... He'd asked Jim for help, and Jim couldn't say no. Then the next morning Khan had tried to kill himself... Khan insisted that his suicide attempt had nothing to do with what they'd done. But Jim wasn't so sure anymore. Khan said he'd wanted it. But now that Jim knew what had been done to Khan, he couldn't imagine how anyone, even someone like Khan, could just...get over trauma like that. The only explanation Jim could come up with made him feel physically ill.

Jim tried to imagine what _he_ might do if something like that happened to him. He'd probably try to hide it. To deny, even to himself, that it had ever actually happened. He'd probably throw himself at anything even remotely attractive to prove to himself, and everyone else, that he wasn't affected at all by what had been done to him... And it would be a complete lie... Which was exactly what Khan had done. However unintentionally, Jim might have made things so much worse and he could not simply excuse his actions, claiming ignorance, because he had suspected... Jim just didn't want to admit it. And because of that, he'd done exactly what he'd feared: he'd taken advantage of Khan in the worst possible way. Now he was cowardly avoiding the man...or at least he had been.

Right now Jim was standing outside of the medbay, trying to work up the nerve to go inside. Bones had contacted him earlier, ordering him to get his ass down there and wasn't taking any of Jim's flimsy excuses for an answer. His choice was finally taken away from him completely when the medbay doors slid open and the doctor gave him an exasperated look before stalking towards him, grabbing his arm and dragging him into the room.

"Deal with this," was the only thing the doctor said before releasing Jim and then stalking away towards his office. Bones shut the office door behind him, giving them some privacy at least. Jim took a deep steadying breath and turned towards Khan.

The augment was lying in the same biobed he had been the last time Jim had seen him two days prior. He was dressed in a robe and light hospital clothes. The head of the biobed was raised to allow him to sit up comfortably.

"Captain," Khan said by way of greeting. He sounded tired. Hell, he looked tired.

"Khan." Jim gave the man a hesitant smile before he approached the biobed. "Bones said you wanted to talk to me."

Khan hummed softly. "In a matter of speaking."

"What does that mean?" Jim asked with a frown.

"For both of us it seems that actions speak louder than words." Khan's cryptic answer filled Jim with confusion before the augment's hand snapped out to grab him and haul him closer with the strength Jim had come to expect from the man. And before Jim could offer any more questions or protest, Khan was kissing him hard.


	6. Chapter 6

It had been two days since he'd last seen Kirk. At first, the younger man's avoidance of him had been almost amusing. Though Kirk had stayed away physically, he'd obviously forgotten that Khan could still feel him anywhere on the small Vulcan ship. He could feel all of them, always, but it was easier to focus on Kirk. Even at his most volatile, the younger man's emotions seemed to have a calming effect on him for some strange reason.   
  
For the past few days Kirk's anger had burned hot and bright, like a small star that had gone nova. It nearly rivaled the anger that Kirk had once held for Khan himself and the fact that the younger man now felt such anger on his behalf was both ironic and entertaining. Especially intriguing was that along with the anger Kirk felt, there was also a substantial amount of guilt and self-loathing directed towards himself.   
  
Khan could only assume that despite his attempts to reassure the younger man, Kirk still blamed himself for his suicide attempt. But the longer Kirk stayed away, and the darker those feelings turned, and Khan began to suspect something more was troubling the young captain.  
  
After the second day, Khan was no longer amused.  
  
The doctor finally divulged what he had told Kirk and Khan had not been pleased. The doctor was fortunate that Khan had gained some small measure of respect for him for discovering and disabling the implants and treating his wounds, or Khan would have been tempted to show the doctor exactly how displeased he was. It was to his credit that when Khan demanded to see Kirk immediately, Dr. McCoy did not argue. Perhaps the doctor was as disappointed in Kirk's cowardly behavior as much as Khan was. Whatever his reasons, he made sure that Kirk was there as Khan had requested and then left them alone.  
  
Khan could see that the younger man was agitated, even without his empathy. Kirk barely met Khan's eyes, and his feelings of guilt and shame only seemed to increase now that the younger man was in his presence.   
  
Khan had enough of this nonsense.  
  
"For both of us it seems that actions speak louder than words." He could sense the confusion that Kirk felt at his words, which turned to outright shock when Khan grabbed him and hauled him into a bruising kiss. The younger man's lips parted, probably intending to protest and attempt to pull away, but Khan was having none of it. His fingers gripped the back of Kirk's neck in an unshakable hold, and his tongue thrust inside the warm cavern of Kirk's mouth. His tongue explored greedily, tracing over teeth and gums. His tongue curling along the roof of Kirk's mouth made the younger man shudder and when Khan's tongue caressed the other's, the captain's groan of pleasure betrayed his arousal, even if Khan couldn't have felt it.  
  
All too quickly, however, intense shame burned through the arousal Kirk felt, pushing it aside, and the younger man began to struggle in earnest. Khan allowed him to pull back, breaking the contact of their lips, but he refused to release the man completely, knowing that Kirk would bolt if given half the chance.  
  
"What are you doing?" Kirk demanded, panting hard, probably attempting to convey outrage, but instead merely sounding confused and uncertain. It was time to put that battle to rest.  
  
"I thought it was obvious, would you like another demonstration?" Khan taunted the younger man, pulling Kirk closer again...  but stopping when the captain put up more resistance. Khan had no intention of forcing the other man; he was merely making a point.  
  
"This isn't funny, Khan. I told you..." Kirk began but Khan cut him off.  
  
"No, it is not," Khan agreed, his tone firm and his eyes shifting from almost playful to hard. Even Kirk could not miss the shift, and the younger man froze, staring, his own wide with confusion. Now that Khan was sure he had Kirk's undivided attention, he continued. "What did Dr. McCoy tell you?"  
  
Of course Khan already knew, but he wanted to hear Kirk admit it. The younger man winced and tried to look away but Khan did not allow it. He could see Kirk's growing irritation at the manhandling, beginning to overshadow the discomfort he was feeling at the discussion, but Khan was not prepared to let him avoid this confrontation until it was settled to Khan's satisfaction.  
  
He could see in the younger man's eyes when Kirk realized there was no avoiding this discussion, and though resigned, he still spoke hesitantly when he finally began. As though each word was a blow, and could shatter one or both of them.  
  
"He told me that you were..." Kirk stumbled over the last word, so Khan finished it for him.  
  
"Raped," he stated simply, and Kirk visibly flinched at the word. By contrast Khan's expression remained completely calm. He could feel Kirk's confusion increase, beginning to overshadow his discomfort. The captain obviously still saw him as some kind of fragile china teacup barely held together, and one slip would shatter him. Perhaps that analogy was not so far from the truth... It was true that Khan had never felt so unbalanced and adrift as he had these last several weeks. He had never felt so alone and ungrounded. Never felt so close to giving up...  
  
But as Kirk had reminded him, giving in was never an option. The peace he so craved would always be out of his reach. Perhaps one day he would fall and shatter, and nothing Kirk could do would be able to put the pieces back together again. But today was not that day.   
  
"Why do you think that has anything to do with what we've done together?"  Khan asked, cutting right to the heart of the matter. Kirk's eyes were wide as saucers, and any other time Khan might have been amused at rendering the young captain utterly speechless. Right now however, Khan's expression remained serious as he waited for Kirk to answer him.  
  
Kirk's mouth opened and closed a few times before the younger man managed to get a sound out.  
  
"How the hell can you say that?" the captain finally asked, sounding distressed. Khan, in a nearly uncharacteristic display of pity, sighed softly and finally released the younger man. Kirk pulled back slightly but did not go far, waiting for Khan's answer. Khan had half expected him to run from this confrontation now that he had the chance, but at last Kirk was displaying some of that self-sacrificing bravery that Khan had come to expect from him. Khan nodded slightly in approval.  
  
"You might not believe this, Kirk, but out of every violation that I have experienced since being awoken in this time, that was perhaps the least...traumatizing," Khan stated simply, and he could see doubt flicker across the younger man's face.  
  
"You can't tell me that after what was done to you that you would actually want..." Kirk began, but once more Khan silenced him with a dark look.  
  
"I warned you once already not to presume to tell me what I want, Kirk." He practically growled the statement and saw the younger man swallow hard. He also felt a flash of arousal from the younger man, quickly buried, but it was interesting none-the-less.  Khan studied the captain closely for a few moments before continuing, "Would it ease your mind if I told you I have almost never wanted sex for the sake of pleasure alone?"  
  
Far from easing the younger man's mind, Kirk paled significantly.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your Vulcan can probably tell you more about that, as he has no doubt seen far more of my past than I would ever wished divulged to a stranger. Nor do I wish to divulge it now, except to say that my...past experience has conditioned me to expect pain from physical contact far more than kindness or pleasure. Rarely have I sought out a partner for the sake of sexual gratification. If you must know, I have had far more sexual encounters forced upon me than I have participated in willingly," Khan stated matter-of-factly.  
  
Kirk's expression was nothing short of horrified, and who could blame him? Khan's own feelings on the matter were...complicated...but he had no intention of sharing that with Kirk, or anyone. He was not sharing this in order to garner sympathy; he was making a point.  
  
"Jesus Christ, Khan... Why the hell did you...?"  
  
"Because at the time I wished to feel something else other than pain. I did not particularly care what that entailed." Khan could see that his words were bringing the young captain no comfort. In fact, quite the opposite. The augment grasped the younger man's hand and pulled Kirk closer again. This time Kirk did not resist, though perhaps that was simply because he was in shock. "What I told you before was true, Kirk. It was more than enjoyable, and I do not regret it. I do not wish you to regret it either. In fact, I would not mind repeating it, if you are agreeable..."   
  
Kirk still appeared unconvinced. This, admittedly, surprised Khan; he had assumed meaningless casual sex was not an unusual experience for the young captain. He had not expected Kirk to object so strongly to what they had done. He knew Kirk's sense of integrity was substantial, but surely the young man could see that he had done nothing morally questionable. Why, with that admission, should he still feel such conflict over what they had done, or would do in the future? It could not possibly be that Kirk had any genuine feelings for him.   
  
"You still have objections?" Khan asked, genuinely intrigued by what was holding the young captain back.  
  
Kirk swallowed hard and appeared to think carefully over his words before speaking. Still treating Khan as though he were fragile... Perhaps it was past time to show him he was foolish to ever think of the augment so.  
  
"Khan, I don't have a problem with...casual flings if both, or all, participants are completely willing and enjoy the experience. But I don't..." Kirk shook his head. "I don't _use_ people."  
  
Khan smiled at the younger man in a way that was nothing short of predatory.  
  
"Do you really think you are capable of using me, Kirk?" Khan's voice was low, dangerous, and enticing all at the same time. He saw the younger man's eyes dilate and knew Kirk was tempted, despite how he protested. "Or perhaps you would like me to use you? Would that ease your conscience, Kirk?"  
  
Khan led Kirk's hand he still grasped to his waist and underneath his bedcovers, allowing the younger man to feel his sex, the heat of it and how it began to harden beneath his touch.  
  
"Don't..." Kirk started to protest, and Khan's patience began to grow thin. He flung Kirk's hand away from him, to the younger man's obvious surprise.  
  
"Then go," he snapped harshly. "Or stay. But do it because it is what _you wish_ to do." If Kirk did not want him, fine.  Khan was not about to beg.  Kirk appeared torn. Uncertain. It was an interesting look on the normally so-confident young captain, but obviously these events had unsettled him more than he probably wanted to admit. Khan could see when Kirk came to his decision, however, the younger man sighing softly, almost in resignation, before reaching out to take Khan's hand again.  
  
"This isn't a good idea." Kirk muttered softly. His other hand came to rest on Khan's chest, very close to the augment's heart.  
  
"To quote your own words, Kirk, when is it ever a good idea?" Khan asked with a raised eyebrow. Kirk chuckled softly, and then the young captain leaned in to kiss him.  
  
"You are such an asshole," Kirk murmured right before their lips touched. The kiss was slow and surprisingly easy, despite the younger man's earlier indecision. Then again, this had always been surprisingly easy between them. Ever since the first time. Khan allowed Kirk to lead the kiss this time. It was slow and almost careful, as though Kirk was still trying to make certain that Khan would not break at the slightest touch. And, as annoying as that was, if this was what Kirk needed to prove to himself that Khan was not broken, then for now he would allow it.  
  
He had not lied to Kirk. He might not have told the whole truth when he claimed that the assaults he'd experienced had not affected him. But he was certain that Kirk did not fully believe him anyway. As long as they were both willing to pretend, that was all that mattered to Khan, because he was not willing to give this up. Not when it seemed the only measure of peace he'd managed to find in a long time...was with Kirk.   
  
Khan led Kirk's hand back to where it had been before, resting over the heat of his groin. He felt a slight hesitation in the younger man once more, and broke their kiss with a frustrated sound.  
  
"I will not be pitied," Khan practically growled, and at this Kirk actually laughed softly, even as Khan felt a surge of arousal from him.  
  
"I could never pity you," Kirk replied, meeting Khan's eyes with a fond look full of admiration, and he knew the captain was speaking the truth. As the young man leaned in to kiss him again, Mr. Spock's voice came over the ship's intercom and both of them let out a sound of frustration at the interruption.   
  
_"Bridge to Captain Kirk."_  
  
"Hold that thought," Kirk whispered before answering his first officer. "Go ahead Mr. Spock."  
  
 _"Captain, we've received an urgent communication from Dr. Carol Marcus."_


	7. Chapter 7

"On my way, Mr. Spock," Jim replied.

He looked at Khan and could tell the other man was not pleased. But Jim couldn't be sure if the augment was more upset about the interruption or the reason for it. He knew that Khan did not trust Dr. Marcus; he'd made that quite clear when Jim had divulged that Carol had been the one who'd given them the information about Regula I. And given how that had turned out...he couldn't exactly blame Khan, but Jim still couldn't believe that Carol would betray them. He trusted the young woman, even if Khan didn't.

"We'll talk again later," Jim assured the other man, giving the hand he held a slight squeeze. The expression on the augment's face -or the lack of one- was unreadable, and the captain winced internally. That definitely didn't bode well, but what was he supposed to do? Ignore the communication?

Khan gave no reply, and Jim sighed softly. It was probably too much to hope that Khan would be reasonable about this. But that didn't stop Jim from leaving; he'd deal with it later. As inconvenient as the interruption was, it might actually be a good thing. It would give Jim time to think. Time to...process...everything that Khan had told him.

Fuck.

He was still reeling from all of it. Bones was definitely right about one thing. This...thing...whatever it was between them... was definitely unhealthy. A part of Jim already knew and had admitted that. But he hadn't realized...

Khan's view of sex was obviously even more fucked-up than Jim had thought. Who could really blame the man? Khan hadn't gone into details. He didn't really need to. Between what Bones had told him and what Khan had admitted to him... Christ. Jim felt stunned. Sick. Horrified. Enraged.

And Khan had been so calm when he'd spoken of it, like it truly hadn't mattered. Which was the polar opposite to what Jim had seen of Khan after the mind meld, where even the perceived violation of his subconscious had nearly sent the augment into a fury. Now Khan spoke about rape as casually as he might comment on the weather...

Maybe Khan was telling the truth, as hard as that was to believe. Then again, Jim had seen how Khan had reacted upon encountering the operative on Cold Station 12. Jim had no proof of what that man might have done to Khan; he'd never asked the augment. Maybe a part of him hadn't wanted to know. Jim only had a gut feeling and Spock's reaction following the meld, when asked if the man had 'deserved' what Khan had done to him. Based upon this evidence, Jim could not believe that Khan could be as calm as he pretended to be.

More likely was that Khan was in complete denial about what had happened to him. After everything that had been done to him...the experiments, his enslavement by Admiral Marcus, the loss of his crew... Maybe it was simply too much for him to accept that had been done to him as well. Maybe this was the only way he could cope. Jim couldn't imagine what it must have been like for a man like Khan. So proud. So strong. So much 'better' than a 'normal' human. And to be put in such a...helpless position...

_He wasn't nearly so proud once we got him on his knees._

Jim had to stop and take a deep breath. He closed his eyes and clenched his fists, waiting for the red haze to clear from his vision before he continued on his way to the bridge. Again, he couldn't help but wonder who had done it. How many? How many times? Khan implied it had happened more than once. Maybe many times. Jim hoped he never found out, he wasn't sure he'd be able to stop himself from killing those responsible.

_I will not be pitied._

Jim sure as hell didn't pity Khan. He'd already told the augment once that he thought he was the strongest man he'd ever met. Learning what had happened to Khan certainly didn't change his opinion in that regard. Probably only reinforced it. But that didn't mean he wasn't worried about the man.

Jim couldn't help but laugh softly at himself. How had he ever managed to convince himself any kind of relationship with Khan could be 'casual'? From the beginning...even when they'd been enemies...their relationship had always been very personal. Did Jim really need further proof that Khan trusted him? He hadn't said it in so many words, but Khan didn't have to, Jim wasn't stupid. Khan had come to him repeatedly for help, when he'd been teetering on the edge. He listened to Jim in the airlock even when he'd been out of his mind with sickness, on Regula I when he'd been mad with grief upon learning the fate of his crew, and again when he'd been so close to...giving up entirely...

Maybe it was wrong. Maybe it was unhealthy. Maybe it was the stupidest and craziest thing Jim had ever done. But he didn't care. As wrong as it was, it was also right. Khan obviously needed this, him, them... And maybe Jim did too.

_Do it because it is what you wish to do._

As much as he'd tried to deny it, he wanted Khan.  Had wanted him for a while if he was being honest with himself.  Jim should have realized he'd never be satisfied by just the once, and after everything Khan had been through, he was still asking this from Jim. How the hell could Jim say no? So, the decision had been surprisingly easy. There was no way it could last. But maybe that wouldn't matter. Jim didn't know what was going to happen in the future any more than Khan did. They could still all die on their mission to expose Section 31's plans. Maybe Jim would end up regretting his decision, probably sooner rather than later. Khan wasn't exactly an easy man to like, much less...

Jim quickly shook his head and hurried onto the turbolift. This wasn't something he could afford to think about right now. He had tried getting in touch with Carol after the battle at Regula, but had been unable to reach the young woman, and he'd been worried. The 'urgent' message could have meant that she had found more information for them, something that they desperately needed. Or it could mean that she was in trouble...

He arrived at the bridge and Spock's grave expression didn't ease his mind. He turned and gave a nod to Uhura.

"On screen, Lieutenant." His communication's officer immediately complied with his order.

"On screen, Captain."

The main viewscreen changed from the image of the warp field generated by the engines as they streaked towards Betazed to the image of Carol Marcus. The young woman appeared tense, her hair was disheveled, and her lips were pressed into a thin line. Her eyes were a little red, like she'd gotten little sleep or had been crying. Perhaps both. The room behind her was dark so Jim couldn't tell where she was.

_"Jim."_

"Carol. Are you all right?" he asked, concerned by her appearance. She nodded slightly, but even that small movement seemed 'wrong' somehow.

_"Yes. I need to tell you something, Jim. I was able to sneak into my father's old office..."_

"You what?!" Jim couldn't believe she'd done something so risky. She could have been caught, arrested, or worse, killed, if she'd been found.

 _"Just listen, Jim, please."_ She interrupted him before he could protest her recklessness. _"I found something. It's...it's worse than we imagined, Jim. You need to see it, but I can't risk sending it to you. I can't risk it being intercepted. Is there somewhere we can meet? On- or off-planet?"_

Jim frowned. Something about this didn't feel right. A quick glance at Spock told him his first officer was having similar thoughts.

"Are you sure you're all right, Carol?" he asked again. There was only the briefest hesitation, her eyes darting quickly to the side, but it was enough.

 _"Of course, Captain,"_ she reassured him, but it was obviously a lie; she was in trouble.

After a moment, which hopefully on the end looked like a legitimate pause for thought, Jim answered, "We'll send you coordinates as soon as we can determine a secure location."

 _"Thank you, Jim,"_ she replied, though she sounded far from relieved. Another red flag went off in the back of Jim's mind. Rather than discourage him, though, it only made him more determined to get to Carol as soon as possible.

Jim nodded and turned to Uhura, giving her the signal to end the transmission.

* * *

Carol reached forward to turn off the terminal in front of her. She didn't move again except to tense up even more when the man pointing the phaser at her placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Very good, Dr. Marcus. Your father would be proud."

She felt sick.

* * *

"Thoughts, Mr. Spock?" Jim asked, turning to the Vulcan.

"Dr. Marcus' mannerisms and speech patterns would indicate she was under an abnormal amount of stress during her transmission. It is logical to assume that she may have participated in the conversation under duress." Jim cursed softly under his breath. He'd come to the same conclusion. Of course he'd hoped he was wrong.

"We have to do something." Jim stated decisively.

"Deviation from our previous course will delay our arrival at Betazed," Spock reminded him, and Jim cursed again. Of course he hadn't forgotten their previous course or the reason why they were heading there. But...if Carol was in trouble, he couldn't just leave her to fend for herself. She'd risked too much to help them and now she was paying for it. He couldn't simply abandon her.

"Perhaps under the circumstances, dividing our forces would be the most logical decision, Captain," Spock suggested.

"Split up?"

Spock nodded.

"Half of our number could take the remaining shuttlecraft to a nearby port where we might arrange a meeting with Dr. Marcus. The arrival of a smaller shuttle will arouse less suspicion than a Vulcan science vessel. The party can then assess if Dr. Marcus needs aid and offer it, while the rest of the crew continue on to Betazed and deliver Mr. Singh for his treatment."

It was risky. Splitting up would leave both parties more vulnerable to attack. Even their full complement might not be able to rescue Carol if she was indeed being held prisoner, as they suspected. But delaying Khan's treatment wasn't an option. Regula I had been a massacre; they couldn't risk Khan losing control again. A hostage situation could potentially turn into a blood bath. It was better that they got Khan to Betazed as soon as possible. Hopefully the Betazoids would agree to help the augment...if they could.

"All right. You, me, and Sulu will take the shuttle. See if you can find somewhere we can meet with Carol. The _Va'khen_ will continue to Betazed with Khan," Jim decided.

"Yes, Captain."


	8. Chapter 8

The bazaar was huge, consisting of hundreds of interlocking structures floating in the middle of the ocean on the Xanthan homeworld. Many different species of aliens gathered here to buy and sell a variety of goods in the shops and stalls lining the streets. Anything from food, clothing, and jewelry to parts and equipment for starships could be found in abundance. Then there were the goods offered that were not strictly legal, at least according to Federation laws. Those could be found in surprising abundance as well. However the local authorities (and the Federation) seemed content to look the other way, as long as the shady dealings were kept mostly under wraps... And everyone got their fair cut of the profits.

Jim Kirk scowled as he passed by another stall selling young humanoid women for sex slaves. No one else seemed to even bat an eye as they passed the scantily-clad females for sale. Of course the stall owner did not advertise his 'wares' as such, and if asked, the young women would all say that they participated willingly in the dealings. However everyone knew different. Jim forced himself to continue on and ignore the pang of his conscience; liberating these women was not why he was here after all. The tendency for the authorities to ignore the comings and goings of visitors, and illegal activities happening under their noses, was the very reason he'd chosen to come here to begin with.

He pulled the hood of his dark coat lower over his face, though it was doubtful that he would be recognized. A human male wandering through the bazaar certainly wasn't an unusual sight. Still, it was best to be careful. Starfleet might not have much influence here, but that didn't mean he should advertise his presence here.

Jim cut down a little-used alleyway, held his breath as he bypassed several heaping piles of garbage, and stepped over a drunk alien passed out near the back entrance of a bar. He came to a stop just before entering another main road and waited. He watched the eclectic mix of life forms as they passed by. Most didn't even spare a glance in his direction where he hid in the shadows. He eyed the building across the street from his location with wariness.

"Sulu, any sign?" Jim asked into his communicator.

" _No, Captain. Everything's quiet here,_ " The pilot immediately responded.

"Spock, how about on your end?" he asked next. The Vulcan took a little longer to reply, making Jim feel even more nervous if possible.

 _"There is no sign of any Starfleet forces in the area, Captain. However there is no sign of Dr. Marcus either,"_ Spock finally reported, and Jim cursed softly under his breath. He didn't like this.

They'd sent Carol the coordinates for their meeting three days ago. It had given them plenty of time to reach Xanthan by shuttle. The _Va'khen_ had continued on to Betazed without them. In the meantime, Jim, Spock, and Sulu had been busy familiarizing themselves with the area. They'd scouted around and kept a look out for signs of a possible trap while they waited for Carol Marcus to show up at the location they'd agreed upon.

She was late.

 _"Sometimes I think you wish to die with the amount of times you throw yourself knowingly into a trap."_ Jim sighed heavily as he couldn't help but recall the last -one of the only things- that Khan had said to him after he had informed the augment his intention to go after Carol Marcus.

 _"You're one to talk."_ Jim's irritated reply to the man at the time was probably a bit not good. Especially when they were both still so sensitive about the whole incident. Jim knew, even if he might not want to admit it, that the danger had not yet passed and the last thing he should be doing was making light of Khan's attempt to end his own life. It wasn't the same, what he was doing, going after Carol even though he knew it was a trap. Not even close. But he'd been fed up with the silent glowering stare the augment leveled on him no matter what Jim tried to say to explain the situation...and the guilt that simple look dredged up inside of him.

Khan had refused to say anything more to him after that. But he didn't try to stop Jim when he'd leaned over the biobed and kissed the augment firmly. But then Khan hadn't responded to that either, much to Jim's frustration.

 _"Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone,"_ he'd told Khan. Again, the man didn't reply. So Jim had simply left to join Spock and Sulu on the already-waiting shuttle.

_I didn't abandon him..._

Jim had to tell himself over and over, pretty much from the moment the shuttle had left the _Va'khen_ to continue on to Betazed without them. He wasn't abandoning Khan. No matter that look had all but screamed that was exactly what Khan was thinking, even if the augment would never admit it. No matter that's exactly what Jim felt like he had done, no matter how he tried to justify it to himself.

_I shouldn't have left him..._

Khan would be fine. He wasn't alone. He had Bones to look after him. The _Va'khen_ had probably reached Betazed by now and hopefully Khan was getting the treatment he so desperately needed. Khan was a big boy; he didn't need Jim to hold his hand. In fact, the augment would probably break Jim's hand if he even suggested it. He couldn't abandon Carol either. She'd done too much for them.

 _"Captain, a woman fitting Dr. Marcus' description is entering the premises."_ Spock's voice over the communicator snapped Jim from his thoughts, forcing him to concentrate on the business at hand again. Jim easily picked out the flash of blonde hair in the crowd, and as the woman looked around quickly before entering the building, he got a good look at her face and sighed with relief. It was Carol.

"It's her," Jim confirmed over the communicator. "Sulu, do you have a visual?"

The pilot was already inside the bar, had been for some time, on the lookout for any suspicious activity. There had been plenty, but thankfully none that could be attributed to Starfleet or Federation agents.

 _"I see her, Captain. She's going to sit at the bar, like you instructed,"_ Sulu informed him.

"All right, I'm going to move around the back. When she orders a drink, have the bartender deliver the message," Jim replied and began back down the alley the way he'd come. He was going to have to take a roundabout route to reach the rear entrance of the bar, but he had plenty of time.

He didn't like this part. The waiting. It grated on his nerves. But they couldn't afford to make mistakes. Not when Carol's life was at stake.

"Spock, anything?" Jim contacted the Vulcan over the communicator after an hour.

 _"I have been monitoring local transmissions in the area, but there seems to be some interference. It could be an indication of signal jamming, or-"_ Spock's voice came back slightly distorted.

"Or it could be the storm rolling in," Jim finished for him, he'd felt the first drops of rain twenty minutes ago. The rumbling of thunder was not far off. The streets were already beginning to clear and some of the outdoor stalls were shutting down. There would probably be a downpour soon.

_"Yes, Captain."_

"Sulu, how are things going in there?" he asked the pilot next.

" _Dr. Marcus received your message, Captain. She still looks pretty nervous to me. Then again, it could be because of the drunk Ferengi who's having trouble taking no for an answer,"_ Sulu replied, not a hint of amusement in his tone and Jim winced a little. Carol couldn't be too happy about that. He hated making her wait like this, but it wouldn't be much longer if everything went according to plan.

Another hour passed. As predicted, the storm hit with a deluge of water accompanied by bright bursts of lightning and loud booming thunder. Jim was drenched to the bone within minutes and his teeth were chattering. At least Sulu had informed him that the Ferengi had finally given up.

 _"Captain, Dr. Marcus is moving towards the rear of the building now."_ Sulu said. A few tense moments passed. _"Sir, a man appears to be following her."_

Jim cursed softly under his breath, even if it had been expected.

Another boom of thunder practically rattled the windows around him. It was now or never.

"Spock, cut the power." Jim ordered. Instantly the power in the entire block went out, plunging the whole area into an inky black void. Most would attribute the power outage to the storm and think nothing of it. Jim threw open the back door of the bar, the alarm now inactive thanks to the lack of power. Using his night vision goggles, he easily saw Carol standing in the hallway, looking around fearfully in the dark. She jumped and let out a fearful cry when Jim grabbed her arm.

"Carol, it's me," he whispered loudly.

"Jim!" There was so much undisguised relief in that one word. They didn't have any time for further conversation as phaser fire immediately erupted from the direction of the main bar. Jim wasted no time pulling the thankfully unresisting young woman with him back through the rear door and out into the storm.

The rain made the going treacherous as they ran through the back streets. He felt Carol trip several times, unable to see in the pitch blackness, but thankfully he was able to keep her from falling each time. There was more phaser fire behind them, but the darkness combined with the twisting path Jim led them down made it virtually impossible for whoever was shooting at them to hit their mark.

"Talk to me, Spock!" Jim yelled over his communicator as he rounded another corner in the maze of alleyways. A maze he'd thankfully memorized days earlier. Despite this, of the phaser bolts came close enough that Jim could smell the ozone in the air left by the discharge. That was too close.

 _"You appear to have three pursuers, Captain. Based upon their clothing and weapons I do not believe them to be affiliated with Starfleet. Local authorities have not been informed of the incident."_ Jim frowned at Spock's words. Only three? And probably bounty hunters or some other hired guns rather than actual Starfleet security. It would make sense if Section 31 was still trying to hide their activities from the rest of Starfleet, but it still seemed too easy...

Jim rounded another corner then grabbed Carol and threw them both down behind a pile of rubbish. Whoever was following them caught up fast, only to fall to the perfectly aimed shots from the laser rifle that Sulu had been waiting with.

"All clear, Captain," Sulu shouted and Jim got up from the ground, helping Carol up as well. She immediately threw her arms around him.

"Are you all right?" he asked, holding her gently as she sobbed against him.

"I'm so sorry, Jim..."

"It's all right. You're safe now." Jim attempted to reassure the young woman, only to have her pull back and even in the dim light he could see the misery written all over her face.

"No. It's not... They've been tracking your ship ever since I sent you that transmission. I'm sorry..."

He should have known. Khan was right. This was a trap. Only not for him.

* * *

 

 _"We are coming out of warp in orbit around Betazed now, sir,"_ Chekov informed the doctor over the ship's intercom.

"Ask Lieutenant Uhura to establish contact and explain the situation. I'll start prepping Khan for transfer down to the planet," Leonard McCoy replied.

_"Yes, Sir."_

Leonard made his way over to Khan's biobed and looked down at the augment with a worried expression. Even heavily sedated the man's expression was twisted into a grimace and his eyes darted quickly back and forth underneath his eyelids. His hands were clenched so tightly in the bedding that his knuckles were bone white. The doctor had been forced to restrain the augment after Khan had violently woken from a nightmare, and Leonard had to evacuate the medbay when he couldn't calm the man down. He'd been forced to activate the emergency procedure Montgomery Scott had only recently installed as a precaution to knock the augment out.

He'd told Jim this was a bad idea. Not the part about going after Carol. He would never suggest simply leaving the young woman to fend for herself. What he didn't agree with was Jim's half-cocked crazy plan to split up and go after her with only three people against whatever Section 31 had to throw at them. That was just insane, though Leonard had become used to that level of insanity from his friend.

But none of them could have predicted how affected Khan would be by the captain's absence. It had started almost as soon as Jim had left. Khan had grown increasingly restless and agitated, sensitive to light and sound, he reacted as if it pained him. He'd become withdrawn, even for him, and snapped angrily at anyone who tried to approach.

Based on the scans that Leonard had run on the augment, when Khan had allowed it, he suspected migraines. He'd offered medication but Khan refused. Leonard suspected it was only partially due to stubbornness. Medication affected Khan strangely due to his augmented metabolism, so Leonard was reluctant to give him anything unless it was absolutely necessary.

Then the nightmares had started...

"Damn it, Jim," the doctor muttered under his breath, as he ran a scan on the augment with his tricorder. The readings had been steadily growing worse for the last several days. Elevated heart rate. High blood pressure. Adrenaline levels off the charts. Neurological readings he could barely make any sense of.

Of course Leonard had noticed that the young captain had a surprising calming effect on Khan. The augment responded to Jim in ways he didn't to anyone else, actually listened to the younger man, and seemed to respect him to a degree. Never mind the fact that they were now sleeping together, something Leonard still thought was one of the stupidest things either of them could do. But it seemed as though Jim somehow offered Khan more than just emotional support. Was it due to his empathic abilities?  Were his worsening physical symptoms tied to his deteriorating emotional state? Leonard had no idea. This was beyond his expertise... He could only hope the Betazoid could help.

Leonard prepared a dose of medicine that would hopefully keep Khan calm as they transported him down to the planet. But before he could administer it to the augment, Khan suddenly cried out loudly and his eyes snapped open despite the sedatives that should have been enough to knock out an Algorian Mammoth.

"Khan?" The doctor questioned the augment nervously, but the man's eyes were unfocused and he didn't seem to register Leonard's presence at all.

"They're here..." Khan's words were barely audible, and before Leonard could ask what he was talking about, the ship shook violently and alarms began to sound.


	9. Chapter 9

"How could they track us? Uhura made sure our transmissions were scrambled," Jim asked as he ran. He, Sulu, and Carol were on their way to the hanger where their shuttle waited for them. Spock was already on board performing flight checks, ensuring that they would be ready to fly as soon as they arrived.

"Special espionage technology that Section 31 has been developing. The moment you accepted my transmission, the tracking algorithm was downloaded to your ship's systems," Carol explained quickly, panting slightly as she ran beside Jim.

"A virus?"

"More sophisticated than that. It's practically an artificially intelligent program, adapting to any system it infiltrates to remain completely undetected. It wouldn't even show up on your ship's computer diagnostics. It was developed to covertly monitor Klingon and Romulan transmissions. It's something John Harrison... Khan...was developing for my father."

Jim cursed under his breath. Figures...

"Jim, there's more. What I found in my father's office..." Carol's words were cut off with a sudden eruption of phaser fire from ahead of them. Jim quickly pushed the young woman into cover behind a stack of tall crates. Sulu also dived for cover inside a recessed doorway and immediately began to return fire.

Of course it couldn't be that easy.

"How did they find us?" Jim asked half-rhetorically, as he fired his own phaser in the direction of the enemy fire, though the darkness and the storm made it difficult to aim properly.

"They must be tracking us somehow," Sulu replied. Jim had come to the same conclusion. He glanced at Carol, his mouth open ready to ask if they could have planted some kind of tracking device on her without her knowledge. He wasn't expecting to see the young woman raise a phaser and point it at him. He could only stare at her silently in shock.

"I'm sorry, Jim..." she whispered softly, her voice breaking.

* * *

 

The ship had attacked without warning, firing on them almost as soon as it had come out of warp and battering the _Va'khen's_ already weakened shields. They'd barely been repaired since their encounter with the dreadnaught. So far the enemy ship had not responded to any of their hails. They attempted to return fire, but a precise shot to their weapons systems when their shields began to fail effectively left them defenseless.

"This is the Vulcan science vessel, _Va'khen_. We are under attack. Requesting assistance. Please respond." Nyota sent the distress signal down to the planet below, knowing at this point it was their only chance.

"We have a hull breech on deck five, lieutenant!" Chekov informed her from his station, the young man's voice laced with worry.

"Mr. Scott. We have a hull breech. Activate emergency force fields," she said to their chief engineer, then continued her transmission down to the planet below. But she wasn't getting a response. Their signal could be being jammed.

"Shields at zero!" Chekov cried.

They were going to die...

The enemy ship stopped firing.

"Lieutenant, the sensors have detected four transporter signals aboard the ship. We're being boarded." The young ensign reported no less urgently than when the enemy ship had been firing at them.

Uhura immediately jumped from her seat and ran for the emergency weapons bay on the bridge. She tossed a phaser to Chekov. The phasers were set to lethal rounds; she didn't know if the enemy who'd boarded their ship were interested in taking prisoners or not, but they were not going to go down without a fight.

* * *

 

"Carol, what are you doing?" Jim finally managed, and he was a little surprised how calm his tone was given the situation.

"Captain!" He heard Sulu shout, no doubt noticing the situation but unable to come to his aid as he himself was pinned down by phaser fire.

"I'm sorry," Carol repeated, the phaser in her hand trembling but still pointed at his chest. He had a feeling it wasn't set to stun.

"Were you helping them from the beginning? Did you send us into that trap at Regula I?" Jim asked, still feeling surprisingly calm. Or maybe he was simply in shock. He just couldn't believe it: Khan had been right, Carol had betrayed them. He couldn't believe he'd misjudged her so badly. But maybe Carol really was her father's daughter...

Carol shook her head almost frantically.

"No!" she replied urgently. The phaser shook more. "I didn't. I'm sorry... I don't... I don't want to..."

Jim frowned. Something wasn't right about any of this.

"You don't have to, Carol... Just...give me the phaser." He tried to reason with the young woman, holding out his hand and taking a cautious step towards her. The phaser discharged, and he had no time to even attempt to dodge the blast. His only consolation was that the phaser had been shaking so much in the young woman's hands that the blast only hit him in the shoulder instead of the chest. Still the burning pain made him cry out as he collapsed back against the crates behind him. His hand covered the burning wound. He could feel the hot rush of blood between his fingers even in the pouring rain.

"Jim!" Although she'd been the one who'd shot him, Carol's voice was laced with worry and she looked on, horrified by what she had done. The phaser was still pointed at him. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry... I can't... They..."

She fired again.

* * *

 

Leonard had released Khan from the restraints on the biobed the second he'd heard Uhura's emergency announcement about intruders boarding the ship. He still wasn't convinced it was the right decision, Khan was far from well, but that hardly mattered right now. They were under attack and it was a good chance they were all going to die and they needed all the help they could get.  They needed the augment's aid if they were even going to have a chance of survival. Even though the man was barely steady on his feet, Leonard was still having trouble keeping up with the augment as they ran towards the bridge.

"Khan! Wait!" the doctor shouted after him. But Khan wasn't listening or waiting. He'd barely even acknowledged Leonard ever since he'd regained consciousness. And he hadn't answered Leonard's questions regarding his cryptic words.

 _'They're here...'_ What had the augment meant? Did he know who was attacking them?

He could hear the sound of phaser fire now coming from the corridor where the enemy forces were no doubt trading fire with Uhura, Chekov, and Scotty as they attempted to prevent the intruders from reaching the bridge and taking over the ship. To his shock, Khan ran straight into the fray. He did not even take cover.

"Khan!" Leonard shouted in alarm, raising his own phaser, prepared to at least offer some kind of cover fire for the augment should the enemy forces turn their weapon on him. He was in no way prepared for the augment suddenly turning on him and knocking the weapon clean out of his hands with a murderous glare. As though _he_ were the enemy!

Khan's attention did not remain on him for very long. The augment turned back to the intruders almost immediately. He walked towards them without any apparent fear or hesitation despite Leonard's protests. The intruders turned their attention, and their weapons, on Khan. Khan did not even raise his own weapon in response.

"Kati, Rodriguez..." Khan began, his expression and voice almost...relieved... However, whatever it was that the augment had been prepared to say was cut off when one of the intruders fired upon him.

* * *

 

Carol's second shot thankfully went much wider than the first, and since Jim was almost expecting it this time, he was able to dodge it in time. It still left a nasty scorch mark in the crate behind him where his head had been. Much too close for his liking.

Jim didn't hesitate this time, lifting his own phaser and stunning the young woman. She went down with a cry, and unfortunately Jim couldn't spare the time to check on her right now. Instead, he began to return fire with Sulu, offering the man enough cover fire so that the pilot could join him.

"What the hell happened?" Sulu asked once he was beside Jim, looking between the captain and Carol with a stunned expression.

"I have no idea," Jim replied, still in shock about the whole incident. But they had other things to deal with right now. "Spock, we're cut off. Plan B," he informed the Vulcan over the communicator.

_"Understood, Captain."_

"Have you got her?" Jim asked Sulu as he watched the pilot heft the unconscious young woman over his shoulder.  Jim's own shoulder throbbed with intense pain but it wasn't a fatal wound at least.

"Yes, sir."

"Let's get out of here," Jim ordered as they broke cover to run back the way they'd come.

* * *

 

When Khan fell, Leonard immediately ran to the augment's side. The phaser wound in the man's gut was already beginning to bleed profusely, a spreading pool of red gathering beneath the augment on the floor despite the doctor's attempts to stem the flow of blood. Khan didn't even react to his efforts. His attention still locked on the enemy agents.

Uhura and the others had stopped firing, probably reluctant to return fire now that the enemy effectively had hostages.

One of the enemy agents approached Leonard and Khan.

"Why?" He heard Khan ask. He seemed genuinely shocked that he'd been shot. There was recognition and as well as pain in Khan's expression as he gazed up at the man who'd shot him. "Joaquin..."

Leonard looked back and forth between the two men. The man...Joaquin's...expression seemed just as confused and tortured as Khan's did. His mouth opened and closed a few times, the man seemingly at a loss for words. The phaser in his hand shook even though it did not lower, still pointed at Khan.

"I'm sorry..." he finally whispered so softly that Leonard barely heard him.

"Why?" Khan repeated. The other intruders approached him and Khan. Their weapons leveled on them. Then Leonard startled when he realized he recognized these men and women as well. Only the last time the doctor had seen them, they had been asleep within cryotubes...

"Oh my god..." Leonard breathed.

The phaser in the man's hand shook more strenuously. His face twisted into a grimace, almost as if in pain, mirroring Khan's expression. Then suddenly the man's eyes filled with determination just as Khan's filled with horror.

"No!" Khan shouted, even as the man suddenly turned the phaser on his companions and fired. Khan howled in agony as the others fell down dead in front of the augment. Then the man, Joaquin, turned the phaser on himself and fired as well. Leonard could only stare in absolute shock at the scene in front of him. He was in no way prepared when Khan's whole body suddenly convulsed and he dropped to the floor, ghastly pale and barely breathing.

* * *

 

Jim cried out suddenly and stumbled, barely able to catch himself when he fell to his hands and knees. Dizziness and nausea rolled through him and he could barely stop himself from vomiting as an intense pain lanced through his skull like a laser cutter.

"Captain!" Sulu shouted, probably worried that he had been hit by phaser fire.

"I'm fine." Jim was quick to reassure the other man as he quickly stumbled back to his feet. But he wasn't fine. Not even close. He hadn't felt anything like that since...since that night Khan had shared his pain with him and for those few moments Jim had felt like he was drowning in agony.

Khan...

Though the feeling had passed, cut off as abruptly as the slamming of a door, Jim still felt sick and shaky from the experience. Not to mention insanely worried that something terrible had just happened to Khan. It wasn't just paranoia. He knew it. But he couldn't think about that right now. He wasn't going to be any help to Khan if he died here!

"Keep going!" he ordered, following Sulu down the winding back alleys through the pouring rain. They were getting close to the edge of the bazaar. He could hear the roar of the ocean waves close by. The alleyways opened up to a large port where several supply ships were docked. The ships rocked on the turbulent waves and sent up salty spray over the edge of the bazaar.

Jim and Sulu took cover behind some large shipping containers, as their pursuers followed them out to the docks, obviously expecting them to be trapped. Jim and Sulu returned phaser fire from their cover and waited.

The roar of the shuttle's engines was nearly drowned out by the rolling thunder above, and the men firing on them were obviously taken by surprise as Spock opened fire on them with the shuttle's weapons. They immediately fell back to a more defensible position, giving Sulu, still carrying Carol, and Jim time to make a break for the shuttle as it began to land.

Jim provided cover fire for Sulu as he ran for the opening shuttle doors with Carol. Jim followed once he was certain they were safely aboard, while Spock continuing firing. Jim practically dove through the shuttle doors and slammed his hand on the control to close them behind him, shouting at Spock in the cockpit at the same time.

"We need to get to Betazed, now!"

Spock didn't ask any questions as he took care of piloting the shuttle off of the planet and into space. Jim gave Sulu the nod to go and help the Vulcan. Panting hard while attempting to catch his breath, Jim looked down at the still-unconscious Carol and wondered what the fuck had just happened.


	10. Chapter 10

At first he thought it was a dream. He'd certainly had enough that had been similar. Dreams that his crew was still alive. Dreams of finding them, seeing them again, awake from their long cryosleep, on a ship bound for deep space in search of a world to call their own. Sometimes on Earth, long after the humans had forgotten them, when Marcus and his plans were nothing but a distant memory best left forgotten. Sometimes in random or unlikely places. Sometimes he would stare out among a sea of unfamiliar human faces and catch a glimpse of someone familiar. Sometimes it would be a chance meeting on a street, caught from the corner of his eye, a spark of recognition when their eyes met. A feeling of family he had almost forgotten...

Such dreams were painful when he woke, no matter how much joy they might bring him in his slumber. But they were not the worst. His dreams, his memories, were all he had left, and most were far less pleasant, nightmares he would never wish upon his worst enemies of watching his family die in a fiery explosion as the torpedoes they were trapped in, by Khan's own hand, exploded with them inside. Or only able to watch helplessly as Marcus executed his people one by one for his disobedience, laughing at Khan's cries of anguish as each loved one fell lifeless in front of him. Though the very worst were the nightmares of watching his people suffer under the experiments of the humans, Section 31, able to feel their anguish as though it were his own. Screaming for Khan to help them, and he was helpless to end their suffering. He would endure the torments of Section 31 until his dying day, if only it would spare his crew such pain.

He had thought he was caught in one such nightmare when he woke. His disorientation, partially from the heavy drugs that Dr. McCoy had been dosing him with, but mostly from the result of his own collapsing mind, only added to that impression. That was in some measure his own fault. Pride had kept him silent when Kirk explained to him he was leaving the ship. Leaving him. Off to play hero to the damsel in distress. Predictable. Obviously a trap, and yet Kirk took the bait without even considering the consequences. There was a fine line between bravery and stupidity and Khan could never decide which side of that line Kirk fell on.

He would not beg. Not Kirk. Not for this. But even Khan had not realized just how much Kirk's presence had...sheltered his broken mind, like a harbor in a violent storm. As soon as Kirk had gone, Khan had felt adrift. The bombardment had been constant. Everything he didn't want to feel...waves of pain, despair, hopelessness, grief...so much, too much, became a never ending cycle that only seemed to grow in intensity. It left him feeling battered, flayed, raw. Like an exposed nerve. It was all Khan could do to keep from being swept away completely. To hold onto some small measure of himself. Of sanity. To not give into the urge to make it all end...

Dr. McCoy had noticed, of course. He was sure that the doctor had begun drugging him for that very reason. To help keep him calm. To curb the increasingly violent mood swings that Khan had no control over anymore. To keep him from attempting to take his own life again while the captain was gone.

_Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone..._

If it were only so easy. The drugs did not really help. His dreams were no better than his waking moments, and only grew more violent and disturbing as time passed. But the drugs did prevent him from expressing his growing despair and rage on Kirk's crew...or himself.

Then so suddenly, he felt it...them... Those he had not felt for three hundred years. Not since going into cryosleep. Those he had never thought he would feel again. It had been an immeasurable shock to his already fragile psyche. Another time, another place, it would have filled him with immeasurable joy. Now, the shock of it ripped his already fragile mind to tatters. Especially when the familiar presence of his family was accompanied by such agony. They were in such pain...such pain! Just as he had always feared, just as he had already imagined, just as he had felt himself... He knew this pain, knew it all too well. He had to end it. Nothing else mattered. Not Dr. McCoy, not the rest of Kirk's crew, nothing. The pain was crippling...maddening...

It made him careless.

The doctor was wise to release him from his restraints, Khan would have torn apart himself or the biobed had he not. McCoy's explanation of what was happening mostly fell on deaf ears; he could barely think, much less listen, though a part of him must have registered what was going on. He'd taken the weapon that the doctor had given him after all, even if he'd had no intention of actually using it as he preceded McCoy out of the medbay, not needing the doctor's instructions on where they were going.

Everything had gone wrong so fast. Sentiment had made him reckless. Foolish. Another time he would have been disgusted with himself at his own weakness. The pain in his gut from the phaser wound was almost insignificant. The feeling of betrayal was so much more painful.

"Why?" It was all he could think to ask, feeling like a child in his ignorance of what had happened. How it _could_ have happened.

Khan remembered the day that his fellow augments had sworn their loyalty to him. The beginning of the rebellion, when he had led his people against those who had been their creators. He had been barely more than a child at the time. They had all been still children, in body at least. Sometimes Khan wondered if they had ever been children in mind. They had watched the facility where they had been 'born' burn to the ground, their creators dead or dying in the flames. Their freedom had been hard won. It would be even harder to keep in the years to come. But on that night his brothers and sisters had sworn to live and die at his command. Many more had flocked to his banner in the years to come, bonds forged in fire and blood. But those first had always been the strongest bonds. Those remaining few, after years of war had diminished their number, had followed him willingly into the unknown blackness of space. A chance at survival, or a death sentence, none of them knew. Yet they followed him all the same.

This betrayal... was more than he could bear...

Why...?

"I'm sorry..." His brother's words were tortured, confused. Khan could feel Joaquin's horror at what he'd done. It had been enough to break through the compulsion. Khan could feel it was taking all of Joaquin's willpower not to pull the trigger again. To kill him...

He could feel what his brother planned to do, perhaps even before Joaquin realized it himself. It was the only way to stop himself or the other augments from obeying the orders they had been given. Whatever was forcing them to do this, it was too powerful to resist for long. It was the only way...

"No!" Khan's cry of denial fell on deaf ears. It did not stop Joaquin from turning the phaser on his allies. Each precise shot to the head dropped one of the augments dead at his feet and ripping the newly awakened bonds from Khan's mind like pulling a weed out by its roots, leaving gaping bleeding holes where they had once been. He knew he'd screamed from the agony of it. But worse than the pain was the sudden empty silence that filled his mind once more.

Silence and darkness... Khan gave into both, simply unable to fight any longer. In the end it was almost a relief, and he briefly wondered why he had fought against the oblivion for so long. Then he knew nothing more as the darkness swallowed him completely.

* * *

 

Jim all but collapsed on the deck of the shuttle, exhaustion and pain catching up to him now that the adrenaline began to fade from his system. They were at warp, on their way to Betazed to reunite with the _Va'khen_. The feeling of uneasiness he'd been experiencing ever since they'd left Xanthan had not faded in the least. If his shoulder wasn't hurting him so damned much at this point, he probably would have been pacing restlessly around the small cargo space, going mad with anxiety. Instead he was going mad sitting here.

"Captain." Spock's voice was a welcome distraction at the moment. He managed a strained smile for the Vulcan as Spock knelt down next to him.

"Any word from the _Va'khen_ yet?" Jim asked, clenching and unclenching his fists. The Vulcan studied him for a moment silently, probably taking note of his restlessness.

"No, Captain. Lieutenant Sulu has been unable to make contact with the ship as of yet." Spock's voice was as calm as ever, but he'd known the Vulcan for long enough to pick up the subtle signs that betrayed Spock's emotions. The slight pinching between his eyebrows indicated the man was upset or worried. Jim made a frustrated sound and clenched his fists again. The urge to beat something, or someone, to a pulp was really strong at this point. It was really all he could do not to strike the wall with his fist in an attempt to release some of his growing frustration at the situation.

"How is Carol?" Jim asked.

"Still unconscious. But there is something you should see, Jim." Spock's words certainly didn't fill Jim with any comfort. But they were enough to get him moving. He struggled for a moment trying to get up, then took the Vulcan's offered hand for support.

"You should tend to your shoulder," Spock noted.

"Later. Show me what you found." Jim waved off the other man's concern. The wound wasn't that bad and had already stopped bleeding. But the pain was certainly not pleasant. The feeling of betrayal stung far worse however.

Spock didn't insist (something Jim would never have gotten away with if McCoy was present) and led him to where Carol was lying on a small cot near the back of the shuttle's cargo bay. She was still unconscious, and now shackled, a necessary precaution given the situation. The Vulcan moved over to where she lay on her side and pulled back her hair from the back of her neck. Jim sucked in a breath when he saw the large ugly scar that ran down from the base of her skull nearly to her shoulder blades.

"What the hell?"

"We have seen similar scarring like this before, Captain, upon Khan when we first rescued him from the Section 31 facility," Spock stated simply, and Jim knew he was right. Khan's scars weren't nearly as pronounced any longer, but they were certainly very similar.

"Do you think whatever they did to Khan, they did to Carol?" Jim asked. She'd seemed genuinely horrified at what she was doing. Like she was being forced to... Jim shuddered remembering how much pain Khan had been in because of those implants. No wonder...

"It is very possible, Captain," Spock answered gravely.

"Khan was right. This was all a trap. I knew it, I figured it was...but it was never a trap for us." Jim all but growled.

That little line in Spock's forehead grew more pronounced.

"Captain, we do not know that..."

"Something's happened, Spock. I...felt it," Jim admitted, looking up at Spock with a worried expression. "Something's happened to Khan."

* * *

 

"Khan! Can you hear me? Khan!" Even as Leonard shouted at the unconscious augment he knew it would be futile. If it wasn't for the faint pulse at Khan's neck when the doctor frantically checked the man's vitals, he would have sworn that the augment was dead.

He'd seen the man far worse off before. He'd seen the augment with so faint a pulse and so little brain activity it hadn't even shown up on the scanners. He'd been about to perform an autopsy on the man for Christ sake! But somehow Leonard had a feeling that this was much, much, worse than that. Before, Khan had been dying from a virus and whatever else the Section 31 scientists had done to him. The phaser wound in his stomach alone was not enough to cause this. He'd seen the augment recover from far worse wounds. Whatever this was, it wasn't physical. This was not something that Leonard could treat.

Not that any of that would matter, it seemed. The enemy ship, having lost contact with its operatives, began firing on the _Va'Khan_ once more. Uhura stumbled over to them as the ship rocked violently from the blasts.

"We have to get to the escape pods!" she cried. It was their only chance of survival at this point, though neither of them pointed out that the enemy ship would probably just incinerate the pods as soon as they were launched.

Leonard looked down at the fallen augment. His hands still pressed futilely at the wound on his abdomen barely staunching the flow of blood. He didn't even have time to try to use the tissue regenerator to stop the bleeding; they had minutes at best. Maybe even less.

"If we try to move him he might bleed out," the doctor said. If they couldn't move him and he didn't have time to stabilize him, then the only way Leonard was going to make it to the escape pods, was if he left Khan behind. Leonard gritted his teeth and shook his head minutely.

"Go," he said simply as he reached for his medical kit and began to work on stabilizing Khan. Futile or not, he was a doctor first and foremost, he wasn't just going to leave his patient behind. When Uhura didn't move, he spared her a brief glance and growled. "Evacuate the ship. That's an order."

With Jim, Spock, and even Sulu gone, he was technically the highest ranking officer on board. But instead of leaving, Uhura simply knelt down on the blood stained deck and took up the task of applying pressure to Khan's wound while Leonard worked.

Futile or not, none of them was willing to leave a man behind to die. Not even Khan.

"Lieutenant!" Chekov's voice was barely audible over the emergency alarms blaring throughout the ship. Uhura looked up at the young man's voice, while Leonard remained focused on his work. "We're receiving a transmission."

At that, Leonard did look up. He gave Uhura a nod, the bleeding had slowed enough at this point. Uhura immediately leapt up and ran for her station.

"...Vulcan...ship...assistance...respond..." The static-laced transmission was barely understandable. The communication's officer's hands flew over her console. Sparks leapt up from the damaged terminal, but that did not stop Uhura from her efforts to respond.

"This is the Vulcan science vessel, Va'khen. Our ship was attacked by an unknown hostile force. We are badly damaged. Life support systems failing. Destruction imminent. We require immediate assistance. Do you copy?" Uhura responded, and yet only received several bursts of static in return. She tried again. And again. There was no response... Then...

"...read you...Vulcan...vessel...beaming now..."

Leonard continued to work on Khan, even as the bright golden light of the transporter beam swirled around them. He only had a moment to consider that whoever was 'saving' them might be the same ones who'd fired upon their ship in the first place. Seconds later, the _Va'khen_ exploded.


	11. Chapter 11

Jim hadn't been sure what to expect when they finally reached Betazed. He could only fear the worst, especially considering they'd still not managed to contact the _Va'khen_ despite repeated attempts. But he still wasn't quite prepared to come out of warp to find the half disintegrated remains of their ship floating in orbit around the planet. The debris was so badly damaged it was difficult to even believe it had used to be the _Va'khen_.

Staring out the viewscreen of their shuttle, Jim felt utterly numb. Sulu and Spock were both completely silent beside him as well. He wondered if they were thinking the same thing, if they were refuting the evidence of the ship's destruction over and over in their minds as he. None of them was willing to utter the possibility that they were staring at all that remained of their ship, their friends most likely dead...

Maybe then it wouldn't be real.

No. They couldn't be dead. They just... Uhura, Scotty, Chekov, Bones... Khan... Jim felt like he should know if they were dead. Somehow he had known that something had happened to Khan back on Xathan, although he hadn't known what. Something terrible... That's all he'd felt. But he'd never considered that Khan might be dead. Jim would _know_ if he had died! Wouldn't he?

A sudden beeping from the instrument panel made Jim jump. He saw Sulu startle as well. Spock kept staring out the viewscreen, frozen like a statue.

"We're being hailed, Captain," Sulu informed him. The pilot's voice sounded steadier than the man himself looked.

"On screen," Jim instructed, noting his own voice sounded oddly calm to his own ears. Far calmer than he felt. It was amazing how shock could be mistaken for calm.

The destroyed remains of the _Va'khen_ floating dead in space were abruptly replaced by a middle-aged humanoid female wearing her dark auburn hair in an elaborate style of braids and head dress. Her irises were completely black. From what Bones had told him, it was the only outward physical difference between betazoids and humans.

"Unidentified shuttle, I am Ambassador Dosia Juxun, daughter of the Fifth House of Betazed. Can I assume I am speaking with Captain James Tiberius Kirk?" The woman spoke matter-of-factly, without preamble, making Jim tense.

"How do you know my name?" Jim asked cautiously.

"We've been expecting you, Captain. Coordinates are being sent now. We will speak again when you land," the betazoid woman assured them curtly, then ended the transmission before Jim could say another word.

"Wait! Damn it!" Jim cursed, slamming his fist down on the console with frustration. He could think of two ways that the betazoids had known they were coming, one filled him with hope, the other... The _Va'khen_ had been destroyed by _someone_. But who? From what they knew about the Betazoids they were supposed to be a peaceful race. Strong telepathy and empathy apparently made the race as a whole unwilling to engage in violence. Jim could certainly see why. When you could actually feel another person's pain, it might make someone think twice about inflicting it. But that didn't mean they weren't involved somehow. What if Section 31 had sent word ahead of them convincing the betazoids that they were the enemy?

"Captain?" Sulu's question drew Jim's attention. The pilot was looking at him expectantly. Spock was looking at him now too, but the half-Vulcan's face was completely blank. For once, Spock did not offer an opinion, not even one of his damned statistics that usually annoyed Jim so much. But he couldn't exactly blame Spock for not wanting to calculate the chances that their friends might be alive or dead. Or the chances that they were about to walk right into a trap once more.

"Take us down, Mr. Sulu," Jim ordered. It didn't really matter if it was a trap or not at this point. What else did they have to lose?

* * *

 

Betazed was a beautiful world. It was much like Earth, in fact. Large blue oceans and swirling white clouds filled the viewscreen as the shuttle made its way through the atmosphere down to the planet. As they flew closer to the planet's surface, lush green jungles could be made out in some areas of the continents. In other areas, wide canyons and steep cliffs were visible. Jim barely took notice, too caught up in his own thoughts.

By the time their shuttle had landed in the space port of the capital city, Rixx, he felt like a nervous wreck, not knowing what to expect. Realizing that they would soon be surrounded by telepaths and empaths, who probably already knew everything he was thinking and feeling did not make him feel any better. Still, he pulled on a neutral mask as the shuttle bay door opened to at least appear outwardly calm and collected. He might be scared shitless and worried sick about his crew, but at least he didn't have to show it.

A small group of betazoids were waiting for them, all women Jim noted. Including the woman who had contacted them. Jim didn't see any signs of soldiers, and none of the betazoids seemed to be armed. He decided to take that as a positive sign as he stepped off the shuttle followed closely by Spock and Sulu.

As he stopped in front of Ambassador Dosia, many questions on the tip of his tongue, a shout from across the shuttle bay stole his voice before he could utter a word.

"Jim!"

His head snapped around to the sound of the voice he feared he'd never hear again. It was Bones, the doctor making his way quickly towards them. Followed by Scotty and Chekov. Uhura quickly overtook the men at a near run, and Spock pushed past Jim as well. When the two of them met, they embraced each other tightly, and Jim finally felt the tight grip of fear around his heart begin to relax. His relief was almost dizzying and, no longer caring about appearances, he rushed forward to greet his crew.

Embraces and enthusiastic pats on the back were exchanged, everyone relieved that they were all safe. Though it didn't take Jim long to notice that one of their number was missing.

"Where's Khan?" he finally asked, turning to Bones. The doctor's expression abruptly turned grave and Jim felt his heart seize again. "What the hell happened, Bones?"

"They knew we were coming, Jim. The ship came out of nowhere and we barely had a chance to return fire. When our shields went down, we were boarded..."

"Section 31?" Jim guessed, and was surprised when Bones shook his head.

"Augments."

Jim's mouth dropped open and he couldn't speak for a few moments. "What?"

"Khan's crew?" Spock questioned. The doctor nodded.

"Yeah. Just four of them. But something was...wrong with them. They shot Khan." Bones went on to explain, and Jim's head snapped to look at Spock and he knew the Vulcan was thinking the same thing he was.

"Carol... She turned on us. Shot me." Jim said, turning his attention back to the doctor. "You need to check her out, Bones." he told the other man, and the doctor immediately nodded and started for their shuttle. Uhura took up explaining what had happened where Bones left off.

"We thought they were going to kill him, it looked like they were going to. But then one of the augments shot the others before killing himself. Khan..." The expression on Uhura's face told him everything she didn't say, and suddenly Jim realized what he had felt back on Xathan. So much pain. Unbearable...

"We all felt it. You felt it too, didn't you, Captain Kirk?" the betazoid ambassador said from beside him, making Jim start. He had almost forgotten about the betazoids. Uhura went on.

"The ship started firing on us again. We thought... But the betazoid intervened. They beamed us out before the ship exploded. They've agreed to give us sanctuary for the time being," Uhura explained. Jim nodded and turned to their betazoid hosts.

"Thank you. For saving my crew," he said sincerely. He owed them so much already, he felt almost guilty he was about to ask for more. But he needed to know, even if he was afraid of the answer. "What happened to Khan?"

The grave expression on her face told him he had every reason to be afraid.

"Come with me, Captain. I will explain on the way," she said, and Jim nodded. He left his crew in the hands of the other betazoids, trusting they would be well taken care of. Maybe it was foolish of him to trust so easily given everything that had happened, but the betazoids _had_ stepped in and saved his crew when it would have been much easier to do nothing. If they were going to hand them over to Section 31 or Starfleet, they would have done it already. They certainly didn't seem to be treating them like prisoners.

"Rest easy, Captain. Your people are in good hands," the woman reassured him and Jim silently cursed himself. Telepaths. Right.

"Sorry..." he began to apologize but the ambassador shook her head.

"Not at all, Captain. You and your people have been through a tremendous ordeal. It is only natural for you to be cautious." Her tone reassured him, and she led him outside to a waiting transport. He boarded and sat across from her. The transport started without instruction from Dosia, their driver apparently knowing where they were going. Jim wished he had some idea.

"We are going to see your friend, of course," Dosia replied to his unasked question. That was really...kind of uncomfortable. She gave him an understanding look. "I apologize. I can understand how our gifts can be disconcerting to offworlders. Many of our kind communicate completely with telepathy and we learn to shield unwanted thoughts from others at an early age. Your species has no need for this, so much comes through unintentionally, even when we attempt to shield ourselves. Your species is one of the easiest to read we've ever encountered."

"It's fine," he said, and decided to change the topic. "How is Khan?"

"Not well, I am afraid. Tell me, Captain, how much do you know about empathy?" she asked.

"Not much. Only that it's very rare in our species. That's why we came here; we hoped you'd be able to help him." He spoke with a soft sigh. She nodded in understanding.

"Understandable. I only wish it had been sooner." Her words filled Jim with dread.

"You can't help?" Jim asked her a little desperately. She looked at him carefully for several long moments.

"I'm afraid, Captain, that may be entirely up to you." The ambassador's words made Jim frown in confusion.

"Me?"

She nodded.

"How?"

"That will require some explanation. Did you know that betazoids do not gain their telepathic abilities until we reach adolescence?" He shook his head, and Dosia continued. "It allows us to develop the necessary shields to screen out other people's thoughts and feelings. However, in rare cases, usually male children, our telepathy develops much earlier, occasionally even in infancy. When that is the case, the individuals are usually extremely powerful and talented telepaths. However without the ability to screen out other peoples thoughts and feelings...it can be extremely overwhelming. Some are unable to adapt."

Jim felt himself shudder a little, remembering what Khan had been going through without his mental shields. Dosia nodded.

"I see you understand. It can be very traumatizing. In such cases, severe mental problems can develop. Uncontrollable mood swings are common, as well as heightened aggression. Treatment is available, and when begun early enough, can help minimize the worst side effects. In severe untreatable cases...insanity and even death have occurred...usually from suicide."

"Fuck..." Jim whispered with a shudder. It felt like she'd just described everything Khan was going through in a nutshell. But despite her grim words, they also filled him with a small amount of hope. At least this wasn't a completely unfamiliar problem to them. "You said treatment was available? Can't that help Khan?"

The ambassador nodded.

"Isolation can help until mental shields can be developed and strengthened. The patient is kept in a quiet and calm environment, away from negative thoughts and emotions that can cause psychic trauma. That is why we are leaving the city, but I am afraid that will not be nearly enough for your friend. He has suffered a great deal..."

Jim swallowed hard. "I know."

Dosia looked at him with pity. "But he is strong. It is quite amazing he has managed as well as he has, given he has had no real training. He has very good instincts where his gifts are concerned. I hope it will be enough."

Jim tried to ask more questions, but the ambassador deflected most of them, telling him that it would be easier to explain the rest once they arrived at their destination. So finally Jim sat back in his seat and looked out the window as the landscape sped by outside of their transport. Exhaustion tugged at him strongly, mental and physical. He felt utterly wrung out by the rollercoaster of emotions he'd been subjected to. He'd been so afraid he'd sent his crew to their deaths when he saw what was left of the _Va'khen_...only then to find them alive. Now not knowing what was going to happen to Khan... It was up to _him_ Dosia had said, but she hadn't elaborated. What could he do? What if he couldn't help? What would happen to Khan? The man had barely been holding it together. He'd already tried to kill himself once.

Doubt and fear twisted around inside of him, making Jim feel almost physically ill, then he startled when he felt the light brush of fingers against the back of his hand. The ambassador was looking at him with sympathy and he forced himself to take a deep breath and unclench his fist. He hadn't even realized he was doing it. Then he felt... He could only describe the feeling as similar to a cool breeze blowing over him in the middle of a blistering heat, a feeling of calm washing over his turbulent emotions, offering him a welcome reprieve. He could only assume it was Dosia's doing.

"Thank you," he said, earning him a warm smile from the betazoid woman. They passed the remainder of the transport ride in silence. The city eventually gave way to fields of flowing grass and then dense trees. After nearly an hour they finally reached their destination, practically in the middle of nowhere, far from the main roadway they'd traveled to reach it. A beautiful lake reflected the crystal blue sky above, surrounded by well-manicured lawns and gardens. It was very peaceful. Serene even. A lone building sat nestled in the middle of it all, tall white peaked mountains rising up in the distance beyond the forest surrounding the facility. Their transport came to a stop in front of the building and he followed Dosia inside.

Despite the peaceful atmosphere, Jim felt tense, anxiety making him feel jumpy and ill at ease. A part of him felt like...running. Escape. He just...wanted to get away. It hurt, everything hurt, always, he just wanted the hurting to stop. Needed... Needed it to end...

"You feel it," Dosia remarked, making Jim jump and realization crashed into him hard. Those feelings... They weren't his.

"Khan." he whispered, and the ambassador nodded. "But...I'm not empathic."

It was also not the first time he had felt what Khan had felt, but...

"Telepaths and empaths naturally form mental bonds to others close to them. Family members. Lovers. This allows much to be shared, even if the one with whom the bond is formed is not telepathic or empathic," Dosia explained, and...he wasn't sure how to feel about that. She went on, either not noticing or ignoring his growing discomfort. "Of course this bond would have had to be initiated by your friend, which is not easy to do, and quite impressive given his lack of training. However in this case, it is fortunate."

Jim looked at her. "Why fortunate?"

It took him a moment to realize they'd apparently reached their destination. The door was nondescript in every way, but he found himself almost dreading to go through it. Dosia gestured for him to precede her and Jim took a steeling breath. The door slid open for him automatically as he approached, and the moment he laid eyes on Khan, Jim felt like he'd been punched in the gut.

The augment lay in bed, his skin almost gray against the white sheets pulled around him. But it wasn't so much the man's appearance that shocked Jim, it was what he felt... And then he realized suddenly that the room Khan was in must have been shielded somehow. It felt like he was choking...drowning...

"Oh god..." Jim gasped, and felt himself sway on his feet. Dosia steadied him and he began to feel a little bit better...but not much.

"I have never felt a case of psychic trauma so severe in all my years. I hope never to feel something like this again. We all felt it...the whole planet...when your friend's mind shattered."


	12. Chapter 12

He didn't think he could have torn his eyes away from the man lying motionless in the bed if he tried. It was... It was worse than when he'd watched Khan thrash against the biobed's restraints, screaming from a nightmare from which he couldn't wake. At least then, he'd only had to _see_ how the horrors inside Khan's head were affecting the augment. That had been troubling enough. But now that Jim could actually _feel_ what Khan was experiencing...

Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath as he attempted to compose himself as best he was able. It wasn't easy. The things he was feeling from Khan... It was like that night when Khan had come to him looking for...a distraction. He'd fully intended on turning the augment down. Looking back, that's what he should have done, no matter what Khan said or thought he wanted. But he'd seemed so...lost... so unlike the man that Jim knew, and it had thrown him. Then Khan had asked him if Jim truly wanted to know what he was feeling. Foolishly, Jim had said 'yes' not knowing what it would mean. And then Khan had...shown him...let him feel. It had only been for a few seconds but it had been...excruciating. Jim couldn't blame Khan for wanting to feel something else, after that. He'd agreed to give Khan what he wanted...what they both had wanted. Jim wouldn't lie to himself about that.

What Jim was feeling now, though, was both similar and different from that; more like an echo from far away, where before, it had been like a shout directly in his ear. The sensation was not pleasant but it was bearable. Just. And Jim wasn't even empathic. At least, not like Khan. Not like the betazoids. He wondered if it was worse for the betazoids.

 _Shattered_... Jim shuddered at the word. She said the whole planet had felt it when Khan...

Jim swallowed hard at the nauseous feeling that tried to well up in his throat as he stepped away from Dosia, moving almost cautiously towards the bed where the augment lay. When he was close enough, he slowly reached out to take Khan's hand where it rested on top of the bed covers. Jim braced himself in case...it got worse when they touched. He wasn't sure how this all worked and Khan had said before it was 'easier' when they touched. Whatever that meant. But nothing happened. It didn't get any worse, but it didn't get any better either. The hand in his own felt like ice and the other man's fingers didn't twitch in response to his touch. Khan's dark eyelashes didn't even flutter against his pale cheeks, eyes remaining closed.

"How long has he been like this?" he asked worriedly, now holding the augment's hand with both of his own, trying in vain to rub some warmth into Khan's cold fingers.

"Ever since your friends arrived. He has not regained consciousness, nor do our healers expect him to," Dosia explained and Jim's eyes snapped to her in alarm.

"What?" Jim looked back to Khan. Was it because...he'd been shot? That's what Bones had said. By his own people. They'd tried to kill Khan. How bad had it been? He'd seen Khan recover from some pretty serious injuries, stuff that would have killed a normal human instantly. Hell, they'd all thought he'd been dead back on New Vulcan! But he'd come back. He'd recovered. His strange -but fucking amazing- augmented biology had saved him. "He's not...human. Not completely, it's hard to explain. But he can recover. He can heal," Jim insisted.

"Oh, my dear boy, I wish it was that simple. His physical wounds are not the reason he has not yet regained consciousness," the betazoid woman explained, and Jim growled softly in frustration.

"All right, no more bullshit. What the hell is going on?" Jim practically shouted, his frustration and worry, not to mention the feelings he was still getting from Khan, making him short-tempered and impatient. She wasn't telling him much, and the bits and pieces of information she was feeding him were only confusing and worrying him more. "You said you've seen something like this before! You said there was treatment! You said I could help! How?!"

If Dosia was surprised by his outburst she didn't show it other than with a slightly raised eyebrow. The gesture reminded Jim of Spock, actually, though that didn't bring him much comfort at the moment.

"Please, sit, Captain. I will try to explain as best as I can." She gestured to the chair set close to Khan's bed, and because it seemed like she wasn't going to continue until he obeyed, Jim reluctantly sat. He did not release Khan's hand however. She looked at their joined hands and then offered Jim a small smile that was probably supposed to be reassuring. "And, yes, I do believe you will be able to help him. But I must ask that you try to remain...as calm as possible. As you are able to feel his emotions, he can feel yours as well."

Jim's eyes widened a bit at the reminder, and he almost jerked his hand back from Khan's as though burned. But something stopped him. Instead he tightened his hold.

"It's all right, my dear boy. You are not harming him," Dosia acknowledged his unvoiced fears and Jim slowly began to relax a little with her reassurance. She nodded a little in approval. "Now, you understand that your friend is empathic. Do you understand what that means?"

Jim nodded. "He can feel other people's emotions."

"Yes, but do you understand what that means?" she repeated and Jim frowned.

"I...don't know?"

"Think of it as having...an extra sense. Think of your sense of touch. Heat and cold can feel pleasant or unpleasant depending on the situation and intensity of the feeling. Too much of either can even harm you physically. It is much the same with the mind of an empath. Sometimes feeling the emotions of others can be pleasurable. Sometimes painful. If the empath is extremely powerful, even emotions that would normally be pleasant can be overwhelming. Much like even pleasure can sometimes be painful if the body is stimulated beyond what it can endure."

Dosia paused then, letting the information sink in. When Jim finally nodded in understanding she continued.

"Your friend is a very talented empath. As I told you before, betazoids usually begin to develop their gifts in adolescence, except in rare cases. It allows us to build up the necessary shields to protect ourselves so that we do not become overwhelmed. I cannot be certain, but given how strong your friend's abilities seem, I suspect that he began to develop his gifts early in his childhood. Perhaps even infancy. Rare, but not unheard of in our species. Very rare in yours I imagine."

Jim nodded again. He wondered if it had something to do with Khan being an augment. So much of Khan had been 'enhanced', maybe that had been as well? If it was, Jim couldn't imagine it was a planned side effect. After all, the augments had been designed to be soldiers. It couldn't exactly be...beneficial to have a soldier that could feel the pain they were inflicting on another as they killed. He wondered if the other augments had similar gifts, or if Khan had been unique. Well, of course Khan had _always_ been unique. Especially in his own time. They hadn't called him the best of the tyrants for nothing...

"As I said before, your friend has very good instincts when it comes to his gifts, as I imagine he couldn't have received much in the way of training. That he has survived this long is proof of that. He has been able to shield himself effectively for a long time," Dosia went on.

"He... During a medical procedure it was necessary for one of my crew members to perform a mind meld with him. There were...complications..." Jim interjected, guessing where this was going.

It was Dosia's turn to nod.

"Yes, your doctor explained as much to us when they arrived. The damage to his mental shields no doubt hastened his decline, but I am afraid this was a long time coming. With all the trauma this man has endured, mental as well as physical... I do not think that even if his shields had been perfect, this could have been stopped, especially given the most recent trauma."

Jim didn't think that would be much of a comfort to Spock, who still blamed himself for the damage he'd unintentionally done to the augment's mind. It definitely wasn't much of a comfort to Jim right now.

"You mean what happened to his crew, don't you?" Jim asked, even though he already knew the answer. Khan had been sure that his people had all been killed on Regula I. That had nearly destroyed the man. Khan had been prepared to die there. To go down shooting. Jim had managed to talk Khan out of it. At the time, Jim had thought that revenge had motivated the man to change his mind. That's what had driven Khan before, when he'd thought Marcus had killed his crew after his escape. He'd kept going, at least for a short time so he could avenge the deaths of his crew.

But later, when Khan had nearly shot himself with Jim's phaser, he'd claimed that wasn't the case. That he had no interest in revenge any longer. Jim had still managed to talk Khan down, played dirty, turning the man's guilt against him. It had worked; Khan had changed his mind about killing himself, and that's all that Jim had really cared about at the time. Now...

The woman eventually went on, "As I mentioned before, telepaths and empaths have the ability to form bonds with those close to us, especially family. Loved ones. It goes beyond simple emotional ties. If someone you cared for died suddenly, you would be in pain, true. But for us, the severance of such a strong bond, several in your friend's case, has caused severe damage to his mind. It could be as crippling, as if you'd lost a limb. The psychic shock alone can sometimes kill, depending on how strong the bond is."

Looking at Khan now, Jim had no reason to disbelieve her words. He couldn't even begin to imagine how he would feel if forced to watch his friends commit suicide right in front of him. He just...couldn't imagine. More than once he'd wondered how much more Khan could possibly endure. He had suffered so much. Was _still_ suffering. Maybe this was it? Maybe Khan had finally reached his breaking point.

Dosia was watching him closely, but Jim kept his eyes on Khan.

"You said I could help him..." Jim whispered softly, almost pleading.

"He has begun to form a bond with you, Captain. It is still weak, in its infancy, but it is there. Your friend has retreated deep into his mind and has resisted all of our efforts to reach him. His defenses are...surprisingly strong. However with your bond, you may be able to reach him where we cannot." Jim finally tore his eyes away from Khan to look up at the ambassador.

He finally realized what she meant. What she assumed, about him and Khan.

"It's not... We're not... It's complicated..." Boy, wasn't that the understatement of the century! His and Khan's 'relationship' was anything but normal. More than enemies. Less than friends. Even though they'd been lovers, they still weren't...

Dosia merely smiled at him.

"When are feelings ever not complicated, Captain? However, he trusts you, or else the bond would not have formed. I do not believe it was an accident. What I suggest is not without risks, to you both. It is up to you to decide."

Was it worth the risk? Was _Khan_ worth the risk? That's what she was asking him.

The decision was easy.

"What do I have to do?"


	13. Chapter 13

Carol blinked her eyes open and winced as the bright light of the room assaulted her senses. Her stomach roiled and her head throbbed in time with her heart beat. She was certain she'd never felt so poorly in her entire life. At least, not since she'd contracted the Ankaran flu when she was ten and lost nearly a month's worth of school because she'd been so ill.

Her gaze swept slowly around the room she found herself in but she didn't recognize it. The room was painted in soft cream colors, and aside from the bed she was lying in was otherwise empty. The room had only one door and one window, which was open. A soft warm breeze brought in a pleasant scent of some kind of exotic flora that she did not recognize. It was pleasant. Relaxing even. At least it would have been if she had any idea how she'd come to be in this place.

The last thing she remembered... Something about her father's office. She shouldn't have been there but... Then...everything was strangely blank. Not hazy or indistinct, as she'd experienced a few times the morning after indulging in too much alcohol. There was just...nothing. Why couldn't she remember? She...she should be able to remember. She was doing...something. Something important. But...

Her musings were interrupted when the door to her room opened. She looked over at the sound and her eyes widened in surprise when she saw Dr. McCoy walk in. She hadn't seen the doctor since she'd gone to visit Captain Kirk in Starfleet Medical. What was he doing here?

"Dr. McCoy?" She questioned cautiously.

"Dr. Marcus. I'm glad to see you're awake. How are you feeling?" She had gotten to know Dr. McCoy rather well during her brief time aboard the _Enterprise,_ and he had always been pleasant towards her, even if he was sometimes gruff and abrupt with others. He had even flirted with her on more than one occasion. At the time, the circumstances were not exactly ideal, or she probably would have been more inclined to respond. He was rather attractive, after all. But though his expression and voice were both completely professional now, there was a strange...coldness to his tone that had never been there before. That more than anything set her immediately on edge.

"I... I'm fine," she lied. Even though she knew this man was a good friend of Jim Kirk and she could probably trust him, the abrupt change in his demeanor towards her was worrying. "Is everything all right, Doctor? Where am I? I don't remember how I got here."

He gave her a long critical look that did nothing to settle here nerves. Finally he sighed heavily and nodded.

"Can't say that I'm surprised," the doctor muttered, almost to himself as he approached her bed. Before she could ask what he meant by that, he held out a datapad to her. She frowned in confusion but took the pad. It appeared to be a bioscan of some kind, but she wasn't really sure what she was looking at. This wasn't exactly her area of expertise.

"What is this?" she finally asked, looking from the datapad to the doctor in confusion.

"That is a scan I took of your cranium when you arrived here. You're on Betazed. Jim brought you here after..." Dr. McCoy frowned and pressed his lips together then shook his head. Instead of continuing, he reached over to the datapad and enlarged a section of the image for her. Even though she still wasn't exactly sure what she was looking at, she realized there was something...not right about what she was seeing.

"What...is that?" she asked.

"We don't really know. I've only seen something like it once before. It's a device of some kind, surgically implanted in your brain." Dr. McCoy's voice was grave. Her eyes widened and she couldn't contain her startled gasp as she stared down at the datapad in horror.

"A... In my brain?! What... What is it doing there? How did it get there? What is it for? What happened to me, Doctor?" She looked up at the man with wide terrified eyes, her hands shaking so much she nearly dropped the PADD. Probably would have if she didn't already have a white-knuckled grip on it.

"I'm sorry, Carol. We just don't know. You contacted us. Told us you had information and needed to meet with us. Jim suspected a trap. Turns out he was right," Dr. McCoy began and her mouth dropped open in shock.

"I... No! I would never!" she started to protest. She would _never_ betray Jim. He'd come after her, saved her from her own father! How could they think that she would...

She suddenly had a flash of...something... It could barely be called a memory, more like a dream... But she was pointing a phaser at Jim. Her hands were shaking. She fired. He fell back. Blood... She gasped sharply and her eyes began to fill with tears as she looked up at the doctor.

"I... I think...I shot Jim..." she whispered and it was Dr. McCoy who looked surprised now.

"You remember?"

She shook her head, then nodded shakily. "I don't know... It's... strange... Oh god... Is he all right?"

"Yeah. Don't worry, he's fine," Dr. McCoy reassured. A sob escaped her in spite of herself and she began to cry, simply too overwhelmed by emotion for a moment to speak. The doctor took her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze, his expression full of sympathy she felt she didn't deserve. She'd shot Jim! She could have killed him! How could he look at her with such compassion?

"Carol, listen to me. It wasn't your fault." She looked at him in disbelief.

"What...? How can you...? how can it not be my fault! I shot Jim!"

"I've seen a lot of crazy things lately, Carol. And based on what I've seen...I don't think you were acting of your own free will. I think you were abducted, and it was...put there by whoever took you. Whatever it is, I'd bet good money it's the reason behind your actions. Probably also why you're having trouble remembering exactly what happened." The doctor explained his theory with a surprising amount of composure given the circumstances. Carol wished she could muster even a fraction of that calm. Right now she felt anything but. To have no memory of what had happened to her was terrifying enough, but to imagine that she had been abducted... Something put inside of her... She had never felt so violated. And she couldn't even remember! Anything could have happened to her! If that implanted... thing... could really make her do anything... There was no telling what she could have done!

"Oh god..." she whispered. "Can... Can you remove it? Please... I...can't..." She knew she was losing her grip on her already-fragile composure, tears were already flowing unheeded down her cheeks, and Dr. McCoy was looking at her with sympathy. But the man seemed almost as lost and unsure as she was.

"Carol..." Before he could continue, the sound of someone clearing her throat from the direction of the door drew both their attentions.

"Forgive me for intruding. I felt the poor girl's distress and could not help but overhear your conversation. I think I might be able to offer assistance."

Dr. McCoy turned to the woman, who must have been one of the Betazoid, with no small amount of surprise on his face. "You have the technology to remove the device?"

"Yes, doctor. We may also be able to help the young woman recover her lost memories," the woman stated, looking to Carol. "That is, if she wishes."

For a moment Carol was torn. A part of her was afraid to remember what had happened to her. Perhaps her amnesia could be blamed upon...trauma. But it seemed far too deliberate for that. Her memories had probably taken from her for a reason. She knew _something_ that whoever had done this to her wanted her to forget. That meant she _needed_ to know.

"Yes."

* * *

 

"Are you out of your god damned mind!" The doctor's near-shout was pretty much the reaction that Jim had been expecting.

He'd just returned to the residence that he and his crew had been generously provided during their stay on Betazed. It wasn't far from the remote medical facility where Khan was being kept, but while a part of him was grateful for the distance that ensured he could no longer feel the augment's emotions, another part of him felt that the distance was too great. He almost felt like he'd abandoned Khan, even though it was Dosia who had insisted that he leave for the night and return the next day so he would have time to rest. She insisted he would need it for his task ahead. The only problem was, Jim felt far too restless now to even think about sleep, despite the lateness of the hour.

So instead he had sought out Bones and Spock to fill them in on what was going on...and what he planned to do. The stunned silence that had followed his declaration had not lasted for very long.

"You have no idea what this could do to you! And you just agreed to it?!" Bones went on, "Do you have some kind of death wish, or-"

"I must agree with the doctor's concerns. Given the state of Khan's mind and your own lack of mental defenses, there is no telling how much damage, even unconsciously, he could do to your mind if he perceives your attempts as a form of mental attack," Spock interrupted the doctor's building tirade, though unfortunately it was to agree with Bones. The doctor in turn cast a look at Spock and Jim wondered if they were both thinking the same thing. While Spock had never elaborated on what he experienced during the mind meld he'd shared with Khan, they all knew it was far from a pleasant experience. For the first time, Jim began to wonder just how much danger Spock had been in during that meld. Had Khan actually _attacked_ him in some way? It certainly sounded like the Vulcan was speaking from experience. Even if Khan had reacted in 'self-defense,' there was still a danger.

"Look, I'm not looking forward to this. Far from it. But Dosia indicated that they've already tried everything else. Nothing has worked. If I don't try, he might never wake up. He might die, Bones!" Yes, there was a risk, to both of them. Dosia had made that very clear, hence she had insisted Jim take the time to rest and mentally prepare himself, when Jim probably would have tried to get it over with as soon as possible. He hated seeing Khan that way, feeling what he'd felt... Jim didn't want the man to suffer any more than he already had.

All three of them were silent for a long time. So long in fact, that Jim thought that might be the end of it. In his mind, that _should_ have been the end of it. He wasn't really prepared for McCoy's soft words.

"Maybe it's time we let him," the doctor muttered, and at first Jim was sure he must have misheard. But one look at McCoy's grave expression told him he'd heard right and his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open in shock. Even Spock arched an eyebrow in surprise at the doctor's words.

"How the hell can you say that, Bones?" Jim finally whispered.

The doctor scrubbed his hand over his face and sighed heavily, his shoulders sagging a little, and for the first time Jim noticed just how tired the man looked.

"Look, Jim, I'm all for fighting the good fight and all that, but...my god, man, even from the start of all this infecting yourself with the Telurian plague, almost getting yourself shot and then blown up, Cold Station 12, running off on his own at Regula I and you chasing after him...? How many more times are you going to throw yourself in the line of fire for Khan, especially when..." Bone's trailed off, probably due to the thunderous expression on Jim's face at the moment.

"Especially what, Bones?" Jim demanded sharply and the doctor's eyes narrowed in anger.

"Especially when he's tried to kill _himself_ before! Maybe all the times he's almost gotten himself killed before weren't brought about consciously, but it's not the first time, and it probably won't be the last! Are you going to keep trying to 'save' him when he doesn't even _want_ to be saved?! You already died once because of him, are you going to keep trying until you finish the job?!" Bones yelled at him, then immediately looked guilty for his words, and Jim could only imagine what it must have cost the doctor to speak his mind.

It was only that guilt that kept Jim from doing something he'd probably regret later, like punching his friend. Still he could barely believe Bones would even suggest... Even though he knew the man was simply afraid for him. Jim knew this couldn't be easy for the doctor. Did Bones think it was easy for him?

"So, what, I should just let him die?" Jim finally asked incredulously, clenching his fists and reminding himself again he really _didn't_ want to punch his best friend. "Well, I won't. Not if there's something I can do to stop it. I would do it for you, Bones. I would do it for any of you," he repeated, looking at Spock as well, just to hammer home the point. After all, Jim had laid down his life for his crew once before, and he would do it again in a heartbeat.

Bones sighed heavily as though in defeat.

"Yeah, I know. By the way, Carol wanted to see you later. If you're still alive." Though the doctor had muttered the last bit, Jim had still heard it clearly. "I need some air."

With that, McCoy left the room, and though a part of Jim wanted to stop him, not wanting to leave things like this, he knew it would be a bad idea; they were both too emotional right now and would probably end up saying things that they would regret later. He'd try to talk to Bones later...when it was over.

With a heavy sigh, Jim scrubbed his hand over his face, suddenly feeling quite tired. Maybe sleep would come easier tonight than he thought. Or maybe he'd simply lie awake in bed all night repeating this encounter over and over till exhaustion finally claimed him. So much for clearing his head.

Jim looked at Spock who was staring at him steadily but who had said nothing so far after the doctor's exit.

"Well?" Jim prompted, expecting that the Vulcan must have some opinion on the matter and it probably closely mirrored the doctor's.

"I believe the good doctor has voiced his concerns clearly enough for the both of us," Spock said softly, though not accusingly. If anything, Spock seemed surprisingly understanding. "However, have you considered...the other outcome of what you plan to do?"

"What other outcome? Saving Khan's life?" Jim asked.

"Forming a mental bond with him."

Oh. He'd almost forgotten about that part. Jim cleared his throat and shrugged, trying for an air of nonchalance.

"Dosia explained it to me. It doesn't mean anything. Her people form similar bonds of friendship all the time. Once it's over and Khan's mental shields are repaired, I probably won't even feel anything from him anymore," he explained, only to receive a very doubtful look from the Vulcan.

"Perhaps that is true in her culture and such bonds are common. However among my people such bonds are...far more intimate, more akin to marriage," Spock stated, watching Jim like a hawk and it was all he could do not to squirm under the Vulcan's calculating gaze. It's not as though Spock knew that he and Khan had fucked. Once. Even if the offer for more had been on the table at one time, before all this, it still didn't...mean anything.

"It won't be like that." Jim insisted.

"How can you be sure? What if it is? Is that what you really want? Is that what you think _he_ would want?" Spock asked, arching that damned eyebrow of his.

Jim sighed again and shook his head.

"I can't find out the answer to that if he's dead."


	14. Chapter 14

It was raining.

The storm had started just before dawn. It began with low rolling thunder, ominous in the distance, like a beast growling in the dark. Thick clouds filled the sky, blocking out the moon and starlight and snuffing out any predawn light that tried to creep over the horizon. The wind began to pick up, howling ferociously. Jim watched the storm's approach from his balcony, the wind tearing at his light sleeping clothes and the building electricity in the atmosphere making the hairs on his arms stand on end. But it wasn't the violence of the weather outdoors that had kept him awake or fueled his troubled thoughts.

As Jim had suspected, sleep had not come easily to him that night, incessantly dwelling on Spock's and McCoy's concerns, not to mention his own worries. What might happen tomorrow? What might happen to Khan if he didn't succeed, and what might happen if he _did_...?

So much for clearing his mind. Jim didn't know what he was supposed to do anymore. What path was the right path? He couldn't shake the feeling as though every choice he made only led to disaster. He felt helpless, like he was failing everyone, especially those closest to him.

By now, his hair was plastered down from the heavy rain and his soaked clothes felt heavy and constraining. With a growl lost to the howling wind, Jim tore off his shirt and tossed away the sodden material, not caring where it fell. His sleeping pants followed and he stepped outside into the storm. Lightning arced across the sky, the sporadic strobing flashes the only source of light in the darkness, followed by the deafening boom of thunder. Jim gave a frustrated cry as he turned his face up towards the pounding rain. The storm continued to rage around him, uncaring.

Was Bones right? He didn't think that the doctor really meant that they should do _nothing_. That they should just let Khan die. That would contradict everything Bones believed in as a doctor. Bones was just worried about him, didn't like the idea of Jim 'sacrificing' himself. Well, Jim could understand that, but he had no intention of dying. And he had no intention of Khan dying either. What he was doing wasn't reckless, as the doctor might assume. Jim had thought about this carefully, the choice wasn't made on a whim. Didn't Bones understand that this was a last resort? If there was _anything_ else that could be done, he'd consider it. But there wasn't. Dosia had made that very clear.

That didn't mean that Jim wasn't worried. Though, not so much worried about the possibility of dying, but more about what Spock had brought up: the bond. Was that something Khan would want? Jim wasn't really sure how he felt about the whole situation. If given the choice, Khan probably wouldn't have immediately agreed to it. Even if Khan _had_ started it. But Jim couldn't blame Khan for what had happened. Jim had offered to help the man. Doubtless, Khan had no idea what he was doing, instead acting upon instinct...just that it had helped. Hadn't Khan said almost those exact words to him? So, no he couldn't really blame the man for initiating the bond between them. Jim was more concerned about what Khan's reaction would be once he realized what Jim had done... And that Jim had agreed to make the bond stronger and more permanent.

Khan had been furious when he found out about Spock's mind meld. Even when Jim had tried to explain why it had been necessary, that Khan could have died if Spock hadn't done it, Khan hadn't cared. He'd even claimed that death would have been preferable. At the time, Khan had been angry and suffering from the effects of his damaged mental shields, but still Jim worried that Khan would react the same way to what he was about to do. Even if his actions saved the man's life, Khan might be furious with him. Probably more furious than he'd been with Spock; he might feel as though Jim had violated him... And the idea made Jim sick.

Khan had been hurt in so many ways, betrayed by so many people...even recently by those for whom Khan cared about most, and Jim was terrified to become one of them. He didn't think Khan could take that. Maybe it was already too late to undo the damage. Jim still wasn't sure if the incident in his quarters with the phaser was a real suicide attempt or not. After all, if Khan had really wanted to kill himself, why wait until Jim had returned to do it? Why did Khan come to him at all that night? Why give Jim a chance to change his mind? That didn't seem very in-character for a man normally so decisive. A part of Jim couldn't help but wonder if all that had just been Khan's way of asking for help, even if he claimed not to want it. Maybe it was the only way he could.

Even if that were the case then, that didn't mean it was the case now. Maybe Khan had finally...reached his breaking point. The fact that he'd resisted all of the betazoids' attempts to help him might be a strong indication of that. Or maybe he resisted their attempts to help him because he didn't know them and he was only trying to defend himself. But what if he resisted Jim's attempts to help him too? Would Jim... _force_ this on Khan if he really didn't want his help? What if Bones was right and Khan really didn't want to be saved?

He wasn't sure how long he stood there. Eventually the harsh winds and pounding rain began to lessen. He watched as the clouds began to part, finally allowing a bit of the morning light in to create a truly magnificent sunrise. Jim watched it all silently. He wasn't the type of person to believe in portents or omens, but he did feel a little more at peace, his mind not completely free of worry, but filled with determination.

Like he'd told Spock once, he might not know what he's supposed to do; he only knew what he _could_ do. Jim didn't know if Khan wanted this, or if he would accept Jim's help, but he'd never know unless he tried. Jim wasn't just going to give up on Khan, plus he didn't believe in no-win scenarios anyway. He could do this. He _would_ do this. By the time he heard the knock at his door signaling the betazoids had come to take him back to Khan, he knew he was ready. As before, Dosia met him at the transport. She gave him a long steady look, and then nodded in approval.

"You're ready now," she said.

* * *

 

Even though Jim was a little more prepared for the feelings he would experience entering the room with Khan, that still did not make them easy to bear. Three other betazoid women were already waiting when Jim arrived. Since Jim wasn't telepathic or empathic himself, they were there to help him join with Khan's consciousness, much like the elder Spock had done during the mind meld they had shared. They were also there to help in case something went wrong so neither he or Khan would become some drooling vegetable...or worse...

Jim really hoped that for once, their luck would change and nothing would go wrong. But he had a feeling even if everything went right, this still wouldn't be easy.

"Are you ready to begin?" Dosia asked him and Jim nodded. "Very well. Take off your clothes."

"What?" Jim asked, his tone a notch higher than normal due to his surprise. He definitely _wasn't_ expecting that. Dosia gave him an understanding smile.

"No need to be embarrassed, Captain, and I assure you that it is necessary. Skin-to-skin contact, the more the better, will help enhance the mental connection and keep you focused."

Oh, right, hadn't Khan once said that it was 'easier' when they touched? Jim nodded and began to strip off his shirt. This wouldn't be the first time he'd been in a room full of women in only his underwear after all. Even if one of the betazoid women, one who was definitely looking at him appreciatively as he stripped off his trousers, was old enough to be his mother, he refused to blush.

"Besides, when this is over, the bond between you will be much stronger and you may both feel the need to...bond physically as well," Dosia continued, and in spite of himself, he felt his face begin to grow red. "Of course we will give you privacy at that time."

"Uh...thanks," Jim managed, clearing his throat. He knew that Dosia probably wasn't _trying_ to embarrass him. From what little information Bones had given him on Betazoid culture, they seemed to be pretty open when it came to sex. Hell, at a traditional betazoid wedding everyone attended in the nude. Jim just hoped that the betazoids wouldn't insist on throwing him and Khan some kind of ceremony after all of this. He definitely wasn't a prude, and hell, even Lieutenant Uhura had seen him in his underwear once, but Jim definitely didn't think Khan would be comfortable with the exhibitionism.

All right, now he was just stalling. Jim took a deep breath and let it out slowly to help settle his nerves, then approached the bed where Khan lay.

"How should I..." Jim gestured to the other man, unsure of what he should do now. She said that the more physical contact the better, but he didn't know if there was a special way he should...touch Khan.

"However you feel comfortable," she replied and Jim nodded. He sat on the edge of the bed and scooted closer to the other man, at first thinking to lie beside him, but then he got a better idea. He reached underneath Khan to lift his upper body from the bed then slid in behind the man with a little maneuvering. It wasn't easy with Khan unconscious and no help, but Jim finally managed to position himself so that he could relax against the headboard of the bed with Khan resting against his chest. This way, practically their entire bodies touched. Jim wrapped his arms around Khan's torso for good measure.

"Now what?" he asked. The betazoid women came to stand around the bed. It was a bit unnerving. Thankfully none of them touched either Khan or him; that might have been too much.

"Focus upon him. What you feel from him. What you feel for him."

That would probably be easier if he knew exactly what that was. Everything he felt for Khan was so damned complicated. If anyone had even suggested a few months ago that he would feel anything other than hate for the man who had killed his friend he... Well, it probably wouldn't have been pretty. But even then, when the animosity between them had run high, an odd type of respect had developed. Jim couldn't help but be awed by the augment's abilities and the loyalty he felt for his people. When Khan had saved him in that debris field in the vacuum of space, Jim hadn't been sure what to feel. Just as he didn't know what to think when Khan had saved them on Kronos. Of course, Jim was grateful for his life, but that hadn't erased the hate he'd felt for the man. Perhaps these deeds only reinforced the hate because he hadn't _wanted_ to feel any kind of gratitude towards the man who had killed Admiral Pike.

Maybe that was why he was so mistrustful of Khan's motives on the _Vengeance,_ why he'd been so sure that Khan was going to betray them, even if he had shown no indication that he would. Jim simply hadn't allowed himself to see Khan as anything but a monster.

So much had changed since then. Curiosity and the need to learn more about the fate of the man who had both contributed to his death and saved his life had led Jim to feel genuine sympathy for Khan. And discover Khan's fate he had. A fate Jim would not have wished on anyone, even his worst enemy. The more Jim learned about what Khan had suffered at the hands of Starfleet, and Section 31 in particular, the more enraged on the augment's behalf he became. It was horrifying to think that anyone, especially those within an organization that Jim himself was a part of, could treat anyone so inhumanely. Jim still could not believe that all of Starfleet was so corrupt, if it were, there would not be the need for such secrecy, but still there were enough... Far too many. If the people who had harmed Khan so badly ever stood before Jim he wasn't sure what he would do. He _did_ know he would probably kill anyone who ever tried to hurt Khan like that again.

Jim sighed softly as he closed his eyes, allowing his cheek to rest against Khan's soft hair. The other man's head rested against Jim's shoulder, his face turned towards Jim's neck just enough so that Jim could feel every soft exhale of Khan's breath. One of Jim's palms rested against the smooth skin of Khan's chest and he could feel every beat of the augment's heart. Both were more comforting than he'd ever imagined.

He remembered that day on New Vulcan when he'd found Khan exercising in the rec room. The unexpected surge of arousal he'd felt. Even though he'd seen the man wearing far less before, it was the first time he'd seen Khan half-clothed looking more fit than he had up till then. Maybe it wasn't the first time Jim had noticed just how attractive Khan was, but it was the first time whatever anger or mistrust he had for the man hadn't overshadowed everything else. It had allowed him to see Khan in a new light.

A grudging respect had slowly developed into tenuous trust. It had happened almost without Jim recognizing. It was shocking to realize that he actually _did_ trust Khan. Even more shocking to realize that Khan trusted _him_. From there Jim's feelings towards Khan had become less easy to define. At this point, he'd almost given up trying. It was crazy. More than a little fucked up. Probably unhealthy as hell. But at the same time...it worked.

He wished he could say the same for whatever the betazoids wanted him to do.

"I don't think this is..." Jim sighed heavily as he opened his eyes...to utter darkness. "working..."

Then suddenly Jim felt like he was falling.


	15. Chapter 15

The sun was shining brightly overhead. The ground was still a little damp from the earlier storm, but the grass and the foliage was quickly drying thanks to the heat of the summer sun. Growing up in the 'deep south,' he was used to this kind of heat and humidity. It felt comfortable and familiar, even after the many years he'd spent away from home, first at Starfleet Academy, and then performing his duties as Chief Medical Officer aboard the _Enterprise_.

He'd missed it, if he was being honest with himself. Aboard a starship he'd found he often felt uncomfortably chilled, despite the carefully controlled environment that was supposed to feel 'comfortable' to most humans, even when he ordered the environmental controls to raise the temperature in his room a few more degrees... It wasn't the same as real warmth. That persistent feeling of being chilled was just one of the many reasons he disliked space travel so much. At any other time, the pleasant weather would have been comforting, even if it made him a little homesick at the same time. Today, it did nothing to ease or distract Leonard from his unpleasant thoughts.

Jim had left that morning to perform some kind of mental hocus-pocus that would either help bring Khan out of his coma, or possibly kill both of them. Carol had agreed to some similar mumbo-jumbo that the betazoids claimed could help restore her memory of what had happened to her. Leonard wasn't sure he had ever felt so damned helpless and useless.

He was a doctor, damn it. A good one. He could treat practically any physical ailment. But all this telepathic and empathic business... It was so far beyond his field of expertise, he felt like a wet-behind-the-ears intern trying to make sense of it. He'd tried his best to help Khan, and ultimately failed because of his lack of knowledge in this area. He felt like he'd failed Jim too. The younger man had entrusted him to look after the augment when he'd gone after Carol, and look what the hell had happened. It might not have been his fault and there might be nothing anyone could have done to help Khan at that point but still... Leonard felt like he should have been able to do _something_. And because he couldn't, now Jim was putting himself on the line yet again.

He felt guilty for what he'd said last night to Jim, insinuating that he should simply let Khan die. A part of him still believed what he'd suggested, even if he probably shouldn't have phrased it quite the way he had. But, damn it, he was angry! He was angry at Jim for always throwing himself into danger without even a thought to the consequences or the feelings of those who cared about him the most. He was angry at Khan for nearly throwing his life away so easily when Jim was trying so damned hard to save it, and at the same time, Leonard felt guilty for feeling this way because Khan sure as hell hadn't _asked_ for everything that had happened to him, and who could blame the man for losing hope after all of that? But most of all, Leonard was angry at himself for his own ineptitude. If he hadn't failed so spectacularly, then maybe Jim wouldn't have to do this...

Why did it have to be Jim? Why did it always have to be Jim?

Leonard sighed heavily and scrubbed his hands across his face. He wasn't sure he would be able to take it again, if Jim died trying to protect them, any of them. Something had broken inside him that still wasn't healed when he'd seen Jim dead on that slab, even now that the man was alive again. Of course he should have known better than to think that the much-too-close brush with death would have curbed Jim's recklessness. Jim had barely even been out of the damned hospital before he was back up running around trying to save the whole damned universe. Leonard just wished...sometimes Jim would be a little more invested in saving _himself_.

"Doctor, might I have a word?"

Leonard nearly growled in frustration hearing the Vulcan's voice from behind him. The green-blooded bastard was about the last person he wanted to talk to right now. Leonard really didn't need Spock going on about the odds Jim had of coming out of this mess alive, or telling him how he should learn to govern his emotions at times like these. So he didn't feel too guilty about snapping harshly at the Vulcan, "Not now."

He half-expected Spock to be more insistent. He usually was. So it kind of threw Leonard a bit when the Spock merely said, "As you wish." and started to walk away.

Oh no, that hobgoblin wasn't getting off that easy. Leonard whirled to face the other man, who now had his back to the doctor. Though Spock froze when Leonard shouted at him, "You could have at least tried to talk him out of it, damn it!"

Spock stood there, still as a statue for a long time before he slowly turned to face Leonard again. The Vulcan's expression -or lack thereof- was a blank mask, and as usual, that only seemed to piss Leonard off more. Especially since he knew god-damned well that the Vulcan was fully capable of displaying emotion; he'd seen it first-hand twice. Both incidents involved Jim Kirk, ironically: the first being when Jim had goaded Spock into attacking him, forcing Spock to admit he was emotionally compromised. And the second time...after Jim had died.

"Tell me, Doctor, if I had, do you think it would have changed Jim's mind?"

"That's not the point!"

Spock raised an eyebrow at him and Leonard felt the urge to punch him. Dammit, he was picking up way too many of Jim's bad habits. The younger man seemed to have a habit of bringing out the worst (and the best) in him all too often.

"Perhaps you would care to elaborate then, Doctor.  What was the 'point' in trying to convince Jim to change his mind when he had already decided upon a course of action. When you no doubt already well know how futile such a task would be."

"Don't give me that bullshit!  You've disagreed with him before.  Sometimes he even listens to _you_ , even if he won't listen to anyone else!"  Leonard snapped, and maybe that was part of the reason why he was so angry too.  "Maybe it wouldn't have changed his mind, but...dammit. What the hell is supposed to stop him from taking these stupid risks if he thinks we're fine with him doing it?! Or worse, he thinks we don't even care whether he gets himself killed!"

Spock frowned slightly.

"I am sure that is not the case, Doctor," the Vulcan stated all too calmly, and that was about as much as Leonard could take right now. He should have known better than to even try to explain.

"Forget it," Leonard muttered, feeling more resigned than angry as he turned away from the Vulcan once again. Spock didn't leave, however.

"Doctor, I believe I understand what you are feeling now. When Jim...died I was filled with grief and anger, the likes of which I had not experienced since I watched my mother, along with the rest of my planet, perish before my eyes. I never thought to feel such grief ever again. And, even after Jim had been healed, the anger did not fade. I was angry at Jim...because I was afraid of losing him again."

Leonard said nothing, he was shocked that Spock was admitting all of this to him.

"I thought he was taking unnecessary risks with his life, especially when it came to Khan, who at the time, was more of an enemy than an ally. I confronted him about his reasons. What he told me was private, and I will not repeat it now, but his explanation did help me come to an understanding about Jim. It is in his nature to protect others, especially those he feels responsible for. Just as it is in your nature to heal and care for your patients.  It is a part of who he is and you cannot take that away from him without completely changing who he is. Just as your no longer being a doctor would completely change who you are.  Therefore, I cannot be angry with him for that, even if I disagree with his choices.

Leonard was definitely stunned now. It was hard to believe... Was Spock actually trying to comfort him or something? How the hell was Leonard supposed to respond to that? They were friends...sort of.  Mostly because they both cared about Jim.  But they'd never been all that close.  Finally the doctor muttered several curses under his breath before grudgingly admitting, "Maybe you're right."

"Fortunately, Jim has good friends to watch over him. The captain values your insight as well as mine.  At least with regards to Khan, I do not believe he now makes decisions recklessly or without consideration as perhaps he had in the past."

"They're sleeping together," Leonard blurted out. Part of him felt guilty for doing so, betraying the men's privacy in such a way. But another part was perversely satisfied by the utterly shocked expression on Spock's face right now. Leonard didn't think he'd ever seen the Vulcan rendered speechless before. Unfortunately, it didn't last long.

"How...do you know this? For how long?" Spock asked very carefully, as though he was still having trouble wrapping his mind around the possibility of Khan and Jim fucking. Leonard couldn't really blame the Vulcan; he'd had much the same reaction when he'd found out about it, and he'd even suspected something was going on before that. Spock obviously hadn't had a clue.

"Since Khan tried to incinerate himself with Jim's phaser after Regula I. I don't know if anything happened before or after that, I don't really want to know. Although I did catch them kissing in the brig on the _Va'khen_ , and Jim giving Khan looks before that..."

Spock continued to stare at the doctor with a dumbfounded expression, blinking slowly. For a moment Leonard wondered if he'd short-circuited the Vulcan's brain.

"Forgive me, Doctor, but I must ask, is this an attempt at humor, because the complexity of human pranks often escape me," Spock finally asked, and Leonard couldn't help but snort softly. It wasn't the first time Spock had said something to that effect, though it was usually to Jim, not him.

"I wish it were a joke," Leonard admitted. "So, do you still think that Jim is going about this whole mess 'rationally'?"

Spock was silent for a long time, and Leonard knew he was considering this new information carefully.

"Perhaps... It is difficult to say, the question now being whether or not we think that the captain would have behaved any differently if he and Khan were not..." Spock hedged, and as much as Leonard hated to admit it, the Vulcan again had a point. Even if Jim weren't fucking Khan, he probably would have done the same. Or nearly the same.  It was just who Jim Kirk was.

"Commander!" Their discussion was interrupted by Chekov's shout from across the small park, and both men turned to see the young ensign and Lieutenant Uhura running towards them. Leonard immediately felt uneasy.

"What is it, Lieutenant?" Spock asked Uhura, once more completely professional of course; as if they hadn't just been gossiping about their captain's rather fucked-up love life.

"We've been monitoring Starfleet subspace frequencies and intercepted a transmission that was out of the ordinary."

"De transmission vas in Klingon, sir!" Chekov interrupted and even Spock raised an eyebrow at that news.

"Have you translated the transmission, Lieutenant?" Spock asked Uhura, and the young woman nodded gravely.

"Yes, sir. It appears to be an order for the quarantine of a small Klingon outpost. There's been a viral outbreak like nothing they've ever seen before. The description in the report... It sounds exactly like what we saw on Cold Station 12."

Leonard gasped sharply.

It appeared that Section 31 had moved from merely testing their new bioweapon, to using it.

* * *

Awareness returned slowly to Jim. For a few moments he could barely remember his own name, much less where he was and what he was doing. The intense headache he was experiencing at the moment probably had something to do with that. It felt like someone had set off a fusion grenade inside of his skull. A part of him would have liked nothing better than to surrender back to that enticing black oblivion, but something was tugging at his awareness, refusing to allow him that much wanted respite.

He was looking for something... Someone...

Khan.

Jim's eyes snapped open and he sat up swiftly. He looked around and blinked in surprise to find himself in a wide-open field. Tall yellow grass rose up around him, swaying slowly in a mild breeze. Jim blinked. Then he blinked again and frowned in confusion when the scene did not change.

How the hell had he gotten here? And then he remembered. Dosia had tried to explain, tried to prepare Jim as best she could before he went under. Most beings capable of some kind of telepathic link or communication did so in similar ways as they did in 'real life'. Sight, touch, taste, smell, sound. Those were how most humans experienced the world, so the mind would translate what it experienced in ways that it could understand. It was a little like dreaming. Jim wasn't actually lying here in a field with the tall grass making his eyes water and his nose itch. He couldn't actually feel the breeze or the hot noonday sun overhead. But even knowing it wasn't real didn't make it feel any less real. His splitting headache sure as hell didn't feel any less real to him.

This could be a place from Khan's past, a memory. Or it could simply be a random setting constructed by the augment's mind. It had worked, he'd connected with Khan, and that meant Khan must be around here someplace too. That might change at any second; he didn't know how long the connection would last, so he had to move fast. He had to find him.

"Khan!" Jim's shout seemed to echo, even though he appeared to be in an open space. He received no answer and muttered a curse under his breath. "Of course, it can't be that easy."

With a sigh, Jim pushed himself up from the ground and dusted himself off. He...was in his Starfleet uniform, he noticed with surprise. He hadn't worn his uniform for some time now and he wondered if it was Khan or himself, who was responsible for him wearing it now. He looked around, trying to get his bearings. Which way should he go? There wasn't much to go on... Then, over a nearby hill, Jim saw signs of smoke drifting up into the otherwise clear blue sky. It was as good a place as any to start.

Jim started pushing his way through the tall thick grass, sneezing a few times when his hay fever began to act up. This...dream or whatever it was, was pretty damned realistic. A few thorny brambles caught at his trousers as he scrambled up the hill, one particularly stubborn vine actually ripping into his dark trousers and the skin underneath. Was it just his imagination or was the hill getting taller and steeper as he climbed it? The thick grass appeared to give way to more and more thorns and he practically had to fight through...

Was it intentional? Dosia had said that his mind would translate what was happening in ways that it could understand. Maybe the difficulty he was having was a sign that he was sticking his nose into places he shouldn't be. Jim looked behind him, back down the hill that didn't look nearly so tall or steep anymore from this angle. It would be very easy to go back. Wide open field. Blue skies. It was almost peaceful...

Jim looked back up the hill. He could still see smoke rising over the crest. It looked darker than before. He could smell it now. The scent... Very distinct. Very familiar. He still smelled it in his own nightmares from time to time, a scent from his past that he'd hoped he'd never know again. Jim swallowed against the sudden nausea that rose up in his throat.

If he wanted to find Khan, that's where he had to go. He knew that somehow. He didn't want to see what was over that hill...but he needed to. So he continued on, despite how the thorns tore through his clothes and into his skin underneath. Despite how the gentle slope gave way to uneven rocky terrain that he had increasing difficulty climbing. He seemed to climb forever, his fingers growing bloody as they cut on the jagged rocks making his hold even more precarious, it felt like he'd never reach the top. And then, suddenly, he was there. He pulled himself over the top and stood at the edge looking out at what was beyond, and felt like he'd been kicked in the gut. He knew this place. Everything, the field, the smoke, the screams from the settlement below, and the smell of the burning bodies...he knew it all.

He was on Tarsus IV.


	16. Chapter 16

If there was another name for hell, for Jim it would be Tarsus IV.

As he stood looking out over a landscape he knew all too well, he felt completely numb. This wasn't a mistake. This wasn't a coincidence. He could never forget this place if he tried, remembered too often in his worst nightmares. That initial shock was probably the only thing that prevented Jim from immediately turning around and running back the way he had come.

Quickly following that shock, however, was a white hot rage that rose up so fast inside of him that it was almost more terrifying than what he was seeing.

What the hell was this? Was this Khan's doing? The man had told him more than a few times that he could not actually read Jim's thoughts, he was not telepathic, but...then where had this come from? As far as he knew, Khan had never been to Tarsus IV and even if he had, he wouldn't have seen it like _this,_ from Jim's childhood.

If this vision was intentional - an attempt by Khan to keep Jim away - it was pretty damned effective; Jim was angry enough right now that he was practically shaking. A vengeful part of him just wanted to say 'fuck it' and let Khan fend for himself. And if the augment was left in a coma for the rest of his life, or died...then so be it. He fucking deserved it after this.

But what if it wasn't Khan's fault? What if Khan wasn't trying to intentionally hurt him or scare him away by forcing Jim to relive one of the worst periods of his life? Dosia had said that Jim's mind would translate what was happening in ways it could understand. What Jim had experienced here had scarred him for the rest of his life. The nightmares didn't come as often anymore, but he still had them. What had been done to him... What he had been forced to do... He had never been so helpless, never experienced such pain. And Khan was down there somewhere.

If he needed a better analogy of what was going on inside Khan's head right now...

"Fuck, Khan," Jim whispered, his anger draining away. He didn't know which explanation was correct, and when he found out, depending on what it was, he was either going to punch Khan or hug him. But right now that didn't matter. If he wanted to find Khan, to try to help him, Jim was going to have to go down there and look for him. The very idea of this made his heart hammer in his chest and his palms sweat, but he reminded himself that he was no longer a child. No longer helpless. He could do this: face his worst memories, his worst fears, for Khan.

Jim took a deep breath and let it out slowly, then started down the grassy hill that would lead him into the settlement. Or what was left of it. If events in this...dream or whatever it was...were happening similarly to his actual memories, Jim would guess that nearly a month had passed since the initial massacre on Tarsus IV.

So many had already been killed by that point; nearly four thousand of the eight thousand colonists that had inhabited the small settlement had died. Governor Kodos and his followers had separated them into two basic groups: those who were deemed 'more necessary' to the survival of the colony, and those who were considered 'less necessary'. Many of the very old and the very young - especially the poor - had been deemed unnecessary, and had been put to death immediately. Jim himself had been one of the many deemed unnecessary.

He could still remember every moment in vivid detail as though it had happened yesterday. Being herded into the square at gunpoint. Soldiers all around them. Kodos had been there. Jim could still remember word for word the bastard's speech he'd given them. How their existence had been a threat. How their lives meant the slow deaths of the more 'valued' members of the colony. That there was no other alternative. They had to die...

Not all of them had died, obviously. Since they were going to die anyway, many people fought back, even though they were unarmed. In the chaos, some of them had managed to escape. They'd gone into hiding. In the weeks after the massacre, they were slowly rooted out, dragged from their hiding places, any supplies that they'd managed to salvage or steal taken to give back to the 'necessary' colonists and then they were promptly executed. If anyone was discovered sheltering them, they were also put to death.  The streets had been filled with bodies rotting away in the hot summer sun. The stench had been unbearable. Then they'd begun to burn the bodies...and that had been worse.

Jim covered his nose with his sleeve but that still didn't help much to staunch the smell. He gagged often the closer he got to the settlement. The heavy smoke in the air made his eyes water. Aside from the dead, the streets were empty. He wanted to shout for Khan. He didn't know how much of a chance there was that the augment would hear him and respond, but at the same time, Jim was reluctant to call attention to his presence. He had no idea how 'real' this was, if he was merely an observer or if things here could actually harm him in some way. If the latter were true, the last thing Jim wanted was to call attention to himself by shouting. At the same time, he had no idea how he was supposed to find Khan in all of this. The settlement wasn't that large, but there were plenty of places to hide. Jim himself had found many of them when he'd been a child. Some of them had been very unpleasant, but still useful.

Where would Khan go? Maybe the better question was, where would Jim himself go, if he were hurt, alone, and frightened? Where would a wounded animal go to lick its wounds?

It didn't take long for Jim to find the entrance into the sewers he had discovered so many years ago. It was exactly where it had been then. And he'd found the place just in time, as not long after he slipped inside, one of Kodos' patrols came by searching for 'unnecessary' colonists. Jim froze in the ankle deep filth, not wanting his splashing footsteps to alert them to his presence. On the street above there was a ruckus, shouts, and then phaser fire. Jim held his breath and his heart pounded in his ears. There was a long silence and then the patrol moved on. Eventually so did Jim.

The tunnels were nearly pitch black despite how bright the sun shone outside, but Jim had little difficulty navigating them, even after all this time. As he neared his destination, the way became a little drier at least, and he could walk on hard-packed dirt instead of wading through slimy water and god-knows-what else. The crack in the cement wall of the tunnel was much tighter to squeeze through than it had been when he was a child, but he managed. He had to practically crawl the rest of the way, and for a long time, all he could hear was his own movements and the scurrying of rats in the dark. Then he heard another sound, so faint he almost thought he'd imagined it until it happened again. A child's whimper. Jim sped up and finally reached the place he was searching for. The small underground cave was barely large enough for an adult Jim Kirk to stand up in, but as a child, the place had been a haven for him and the eight other children who had taken refuge with him.

A small emergency lantern illuminated the space, and many of the children immediately cringed away and let out cries of fright upon seeing him. All but one, a filthy, malnourished, blond-haired blue-eyed boy who quickly stood and leveled a phaser on Jim. Jim's jaw dropped upon seeing him...himself.

"Don't move!" the young version of himself ordered more menacingly than Jim would have thought a ten year old boy capable of. But he knew better than to test the boy's resolve. After all, Jim knew well that this young Jim Kirk had already killed, more than once, in order to protect himself and the younger children for whom he'd taken responsibility. Jim slowly raised his hands to show that he was at least unarmed.

"It's all right. I'm not here to hurt you, any of you," Jim said in the most reassuring tone he could muster as he gazed over the children huddled in the dark. Apparently he was wrong, Khan was not here, only children... But then Jim froze as he did a head count of the children cowering in the darkness. Ten, including the young version of himself. There should only be nine.

"Khan?" he whispered, almost in disbelief. One of the dark-haired children, no older than three, lifted his head and looked at Jim. His face was bloody and bruised and his small, frail-looking form trembled almost violently either from fear, exhaustion, pain or all of the above, but his eyes were wide and clear as they stared at Jim. Unmistakably familiar blue eyes. "Oh my god..."

Whatever Jim had been expecting, it hadn't been this. What the hell?

"Khan..." Jim said the name again, mostly in disbelief, and the child flinched. It was him, it was really him. He took a step closer to the boy, pretty much forgetting that he had a phaser trained on him and that ended up being a mistake as the younger version of himself fired at him, narrowly missing his head. The other children cried out in fear and Jim threw his hands up again.

"Stay back!" The young version of himself shouted at him, the expression on his face telling Jim his next shot would not miss.

"I only want to help," Jim tried to explain. He turned his attention back to the young Khan who was once more cowering against the cave wall, no longer looking at Jim. "Khan..."

The young version of Jim stepped between himself and the trembling child, blocking his view.

"He doesn't need your help!" the boy snapped. What the hell was going on? A child version of Khan was being protected by a child version of himself? And apparently neither of them recognized who he was? All right...apparently both men had some major issues that they needed to work through when this was all over. Both of their subconsciouses were seriously fucked up.

"Khan, listen to me." Jim tried again. "It's me. Jim. Jim Kirk. I don't know what's going on but this...whatever it is... It's not real. Khan, please..."

Jim didn't get to finish, because the young version of himself fired the phaser at him again, and this time the bolt hit him squarely in the chest.

* * *

Kirk's body suddenly jerked violently. Litae and Tamei both staggered from the psychic backlash. Romica rushed forward along with Dosia to help steady the two men writhing on the bed. Dosia placed her hand on the young captain's forehead and closed her eyes to concentrate, as she attempted to absorb and redirect some of the attack he'd just endured. Romica attended to Khan in a similar manner to help shield both their minds from the fallout. Eventually, both men were once again motionless. Kirk's breathing began to even out, and his heart began to slow from its frantic pace. His expression was still pinched in discomfort, but he was no longer in danger. Dosia sighed softly in relief as she opened her eyes and stepped back. She gathered a soft wet cloth to wipe some of the sweat from Kirk's face, along with the small trail of blood that dripped from his nose.

"We should stop this, Dosia," Romica stated softly. Dosia looked to her, and then to Litae and Tamei. She could sense their agreement. Dosia glanced down at the two men on the bed again. At Kirk, who still had his arms wrapped vice-tight around Khan, and had not let go, even when his mind had been under attack by the man.

Dosia shook her head.

"He will not survive another attack. If we allow this to continue he could die. We must pull him out now while we can," Romica insisted.

"He will not thank you if you do. He knew the risks before he began," Dosia replied.

* * *

Jim groaned softly as he came to. The pain in his chest was incredible. He coughed and groaned again as the motion aggravated his already aching chest. He tasted blood in his mouth. The smell of burning flesh was much stronger now. It made him gag.

He didn't want to look. Didn't want to see.

His eyes opened and he looked anyway, drawn almost against his will, and gagged again at seeing his own blackened charred flesh slowly oozing blood into the dirt. Jim looked away and swallowed down the bile that tried to rise up in his throat.

"You're alive..." The whisper in the dark was full of disbelief. Jim looked up to see that the young version of himself was still pointing that damned phaser at him, but it was no longer steady. The weapon shook in the boy's hand, betraying his fear. Jim didn't understand it either. He _should_ be dead after taking a shot like that.

"I'm not going to hurt you," Jim wheezed. It hurt to talk. He didn't dare move. He didn't want to give the boy any reason to shoot him again. "I'm not with Kodos."

"Prove it!" The young Jim snapped back. Unfortunately, there really wasn't any way Jim could. Even the Starfleet uniform he was wearing, which was now ruined, could have been stolen for all he could prove. Although maybe there was something he could prove.

"Your name is Jim, right? Jim Kirk?" As he suspected, Jim probably would have had the exact same reaction back then, the boy's eyes went wide as saucers and his mouth dropped open in shock.

"Who are you?" The ten-year-old demanded. Jim could lie. Say that he knew the boy's mother. That she had sent him here for him. But there was no way he could prove that, and he didn't want to give the boy a reason to fire the weapon at him again. The phaser might not have been _real_ , but it had still hurt him. He didn't want to see what it would do if the boy shot him in the head next time.

"I'm you," he replied simply, knowing how crazy it sounded. The boy blinked at him several times and then barked out a laugh.

"You're fucking insane!" Boy, he'd forgotten what a mouth he'd had on him back then.

"I know your father was named George Kirk. Your mother is named Winona-" Jim started only to have the boy cut him off.

"Everyone knows that!" the boy shouted back, and while that wasn't exactly true, it was close. Not everyone recognized Jim on sight, after all. But as soon as they heard the name 'Kirk' they tended to know exactly who he was. George Kirk had been a hero after all. Had sacrificed himself to save the rest of his crew, his mother and himself included. Jim couldn't count all the times he'd been out in public and some stranger would offer condolences for the death of a man he had never known. Either that, or he was always being compared to a ghost who shared his name. Constantly being told all the ways he wasn't like his father. A legacy he could never live up to. No matter how hard he tried, he would never be George Kirk.

"I know things you've never told anyone. I know the reason why you drove your uncle's car off of a cliff. I know that you and Sam, your brother, had had an argument that day. Sam told you he was leaving. You were angry. You felt like he was abandoning you. You thought it was your fault he was leaving. He wouldn't stay, no matter what promises you made, how much you begged... You still weren't a good enough reason for him to stay. You saw him on the road, hitchhiking of all things. You drove right past him. It was the last time you ever saw him..."

Jim looked up at the boy standing over him. The phaser was no longer pointed at him at least, but the boy's shaking had increased. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. Maybe that wasn't far from the truth.

"They sent you here. It felt like a punishment, like exile. You were angry at first, but then you started to realize it could be a good thing. No one knew who you were here. No one compared you to George Kirk. You were just Jim, for once. It was good. You made friends. You were happy for a change. And then...everything fell apart."

"Shut up," the boy whispered, but as though the dam had been broken inside of Jim, the memories continued to spill forth.

"The crops started dying. No one knew why. Some kind of new fungus.  It even affected the stored food.  People were concerned, but surely it couldn't be that bad. An emergency transmission had been sent to Starfleet. Help would come soon. Everything would be all right... But it wasn't. Kodos made his...speech... But you still couldn't believe it. Not until they started...killing everyone. You got away. You hid. You hid for days, until the hunger finally overcame the fear. You crept out at night, trying to find food. It was several more days before you found anything at all. It was more garbage than food by that point, but you ate it anyway. And then Michael found you..."

The boy gasped sharply at the name, and even after all this time Jim's heart twisted painfully at the memory.

"At first you were happy to have found him. He was your friend. You hadn't seen anyone except Kodos' patrols for days. You thought he'd been killed like the rest of them. Then he demanded you give him the food. You offered to share, even if it was only a few bites, wouldn't even fill your own stomach. But that wasn't good enough for him. He attacked you. And you killed him. It happened so fast, you didn't even realize what had happened until his blood was on your hands."

"He was my friend..."

"He would have killed you."

"I should have just given it to him."

"It wasn't your fault."

Jim was almost startled when the words left his mouth. Because, for the first time in his life, he actually believed them.

He'd never told anyone what had happened to Michael. No one had ever bothered to ask; so many had been killed by Kodos, what was one more? But Jim had carried the guilt of that with him his entire life. Michael had been his friend...and he had turned on him so easily. Over a piece of fucking garbage. To say Jim had 'trust issues' would have been one hell of an understatement. It seemed as though everyone Jim had ever cared for, or allowed to become close to him, had either left him or betrayed him. Jim's brother had abandoned him. His own mother could barely look him in the eye. Spock, who along with Bones, had been the first real close friends he'd had in...years.  Yet even Spock had stabbed him in the back, reported him to Starfleet about Nibiru, and Jim had nearly lost everything he'd worked so hard for...

It was easier, less painful, not to let anyone get close. Not to trust...

And then there was Khan. A man who had even more reason than Jim not to trust anyone. And yet somehow, against all odds, a mutual trust had developed between them. He'd let Khan get close to him...very close. Yet, he still held a part of himself at a distance, terrified of being betrayed again.

Jim's eyes shifted to the dark-haired, blue-eyed boy across the cave. For the first time, Jim noticed that the other children had disappeared and Khan was no longer looking at him fearfully. In fact, that pale gaze was much too knowing and much more calculating than he ever would have expected in a child so young.

"Khan." Jim was almost hesitant to attempt to address the younger boy again, because doing so was what had caused the young Jim to attack him before, as though he was trying to protect Khan _from_ him. But, to his surprise, when he looked for his younger self, he was gone as well. Only Jim and Khan remained in the small cave. He turned his attention back to the child, who was beginning to look at Jim warily again.

"It's all right." Jim attempted to reassure the boy, and slowly held one of his hands. He wanted to tell Khan that he could trust him, but that was a conclusion only Khan could make for himself. So instead he said, "I trust you."

It wasn't the first time he'd come to this realization. After all, he'd trusted the augment with his life. He'd trusted the man with the safety of his crew. But that didn't mean he had trusted Khan with his heart. Until now.

The boy looked at Jim for a long moment, the silence stretching out between them like a yawning chasm, and then finally Khan slowly stood. His steps were cautious as he approached Jim, as though he were ready to run at a moment's notice. Jim remained perfectly still. The boy's small fingers grasped those of Jim's outstretched hand...

And once more Jim felt like he was falling, as the darkness swallowed him.

* * *

"He's gone too deep. We won't be able to reach him now," Romica stated sadly.

"He may yet succeed. There is still hope," Dosia replied with more confidence than she truly felt.


	17. Chapter 17

Carol sat up in bed, her fingers nervously fidgeting, folding and unfolding, clenching in the bedspread over her lap unconsciously before she forced herself to stop. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to relax and calm her pounding heart. It was almost time and she was nervous. In spite of the reassurances by the betazoid healers, she couldn't help but be. The procedure that was to come, removing that...thing...inside of her head was difficult but not necessarily dangerous, they had reassured. However, it was not that part of what was to come which truly made her uneasy. It was the other part. The part where the betazoid would attempt to restore her memories.

Honestly, she wasn't sure which part scared her more: wondering what she would remember if her memories were recovered, or wondering what she would do if her memories were gone forever. A part of her didn't want to know; she was terrified to learn something horrible had been done to her (even more horrible than having a strange device implanted in her _brain_ ). Yet she was willing to try to remember, if only for the hope that she would remember something useful, maybe even who was behind all of this, or at least, an idea of what their plans were. But she was also afraid that her memories might be gone forever, lost to the void in her mind, and that was terrifying as well. The idea that this had most likely been done intentionally, and that someone actually had that ability to make someone simply forget...

The door to her room opened and she managed a hesitant smile for Dr. McCoy as he entered. She had asked that the doctor stay with her during the procedure, even though he would not be participating himself. His presence was still very comforting to her and she relaxed slightly in spite of everything upon seeing him.

"Thank you, Dr. McCoy. For being here," she said, then her eyes widened a bit in surprise when she realized that the doctor was not alone. "Commander Spock."

"I hope you don't mind I asked Spock to come," Leonard explained and she shook her head.

"Dr. Marcus." The half-Vulcan greeted her with a polite nod. "You appear much recovered from when we last saw each other."

At first she wasn't sure what he meant, assuming the last time they'd seen each other was when Jim's body had been brought to the medbay, and she was still recovering from the broken leg that Khan had given her... Then realization dawned.

"You helped Jim rescue me." Even though she could not remember having seen the Vulcan then, it was the most logical assumption. Spock nodded in confirmation. "Thank you. I haven't had the chance to thank Jim yet... Is he all right?"

Leonard had given her a brief explanation the last time he'd visited about what Jim had planned to do. His attempt to aid Khan. She had wondered if it was similar to what the betazoids planned to do for her.

"Unfortunately we have not yet heard had an update on the captain's status," Spock told her, the Vulcan's words making Leonard frown, even though the doctor must have already known this. That worried her.

"I'm sure he's all right..." she began, not really sure what else to say.

"Jim's too damned stubborn to die," Leonard agreed. His words were probably meant to be reassuring, but she could tell that the doctor didn't really believe them. After all, they had both seen first-hand that Jim could, in fact, die. But surely the situation wasn't _that_ dire. Was it?

Before she could question further, the door to her room opened again and a betazoid healer came in, smiling kindly to each of them in turn before looking to Carol.

"Are you ready, Dr. Marcus?" she asked.

Carol took another steadying breath and nodded. Yes, she could do this. She _needed_ to do this, not only for Jim, but for herself as well. She felt Leonard take her hand and squeeze it gently. She turned her head to smile at him, squeezing his hand in return, taking comfort as well as giving it.

* * *

 

The medical portion of the procedure didn't take nearly as long as Leonard had expected it to. Frankly, he was impressed with the technology and skill the betazoid healers possessed, and the implant inside the young woman's cranium was removed with little difficulty.

It made sense however, that the betazoid people relied so much on their telepathic abilities, their medical knowledge of the brain must be extensive indeed. Leonard could now see why the Federation was so interested in having Betazed join. Aside from the wealth of Betazed's resources and culture, the Betazoids' telepathic abilities and medical technology would be a great boon.

Carol was already beginning to stir a little, waking from the sedatives she had been given during the procedure. He was glad that the betazoid healers had agreed to let Spock and him be present for this, though Leonard hated feeling so damned helpless and useless. The betazoids had refused to allow him, or anyone else, to be present during whatever was happening with Jim and Khan. They'd been insistent that their presence would only be a distraction during the delicate procedure that could prove dangerous. As if it wasn't already dangerous enough. But they had no objections to Spock and him remaining with Carol, and in fact had said that their presence could be beneficial; their familiarity would hopefully help ease the young woman's fears.

At least he could do that much for Carol. Even if he could do nothing for Jim or Khan.

Now came the next step in the procedure, the part that Leonard was least certain about. The betazoids would now try to restore Carol's memory of what had happened during her abduction. It was the reason he'd asked Spock to be here as well, even though he was still more than a little irked with the half-Vulcan. Spock knew way more about this stuff than Leonard did.

"Is this really going to work?" the doctor whispered to the Vulcan quietly standing beside him.

"Given that we are not aware of what initially caused Dr. Marcus's amnesia, it is impossible to calculate how successful restoring those lost memories would be." Spock's reply was typical, and Leonard had pretty much been expecting it, but that didn't stop him from giving the Vulcan a dirty look. Spock ignored the look, or he simply didn't notice it. Which Leonard probably wouldn't have even considered before, given how observant the other man usually was, but Spock had seemed somewhat distracted ever since they'd talked in the garden about Jim.

He probably shouldn't have just dropped a bomb on Spock like that without any warning. Even if the look on the Vulcan's face had been priceless afterwards. Besides, their captain's rather fucked-up love life was actually one of their least concerns right now.

Carol slowly opened her eyes. The healer sitting beside the young woman's bed murmured something softly to her that Leonard couldn't hear, but then Carol gave a slight nod, and turned her head towards him and Spock. She smiled slightly at them and Leonard returned it, hoping it was more reassuring than he felt.

"We are ready to begin. You may come closer if you wish." The betazoid healer addressed him, to Leonard's surprise and he wasn't about to refuse the offer. He came to stand beside the biobed, and when Carol held out her hand, he didn't hesitate taking it, offering a gentle squeeze in comfort.

The moment was broken when the betazoid healer reached over to gently place her fingers against Carol's forehead. Carol's expression turned nervous and Leonard squeezed her hand again. The young woman's eyes fluttered shut but her expression of unease did not change.

"Carol, it's all right. You're safe now. Nothing is going to hurt you." Leonard spoke softly, not sure if he should, but since the healer did not tell him to stop he continued. "I'm here..."

* * *

 

She felt strange, like she were shifting through thick cloud. Everything was hazy. Indistinct. It was difficult to move, the mist solid in a way that mist should not be. More like water than air. Thick and suffocating.

Her breath began to speed up in fear. Despite her earlier conviction, she found herself afraid to travel forward. Afraid for the mist to rise. She did not want to see what was hidden beyond.

_You're safe..._

_Nothing is going to hurt you..._

The words were warm. Reassuring. The chilling mist surrounding her seemed to fade a little upon hearing them. Were they heard? Or felt?

_I'm here..._

She wasn't alone. She could do this. Carol took a deep breath to calm herself and moved forward again. It wasn't as difficult as before. The mist was becoming lighter now, no longer restricting or trying to hold her back. It gave her the confidence to press forward.

Then suddenly she could see.

She was in her father's office. She was...looking for something. Something important. And she'd found it. In her father's secret safe. The data pads. There was something important on them...

But she wasn't alone. She heard the office door open before she could finish reading what was on the pads. At first she thought it was Corporal Simmons coming to check on her, but a quick glance over her shoulder proved her wrong. She recognized the man as one of her father's former aids, but she didn't know his name. He was holding a phaser...

She quickly hid behind the desk, sure that the man hadn't seen her yet. She hid the datapads in her waistband and held her breath. The man's footsteps grew closer...passed the desk...and she cursed silently, realizing where he was going. He'd noticed the open safe. She'd forgotten to close it.

Not wanting to take the chance of what the man might do to her if he caught her here, she quietly crept around the desk and lifted one of the heavy ship models her father favored so much from its surface. She managed to sneak up and hit him over the head with it just as he began to turn around. She did not stop to check if she'd managed to knock the man out.

She ran...

Just outside her father's office she nearly tripped over Corporal Simmons' body. She did not have time to feel horror or guilt over the young man's death. She kept running. She knew now if they caught her, they would kill her.

She ran around a corner and saw more men there. Unfortunately, they saw her as well. They immediately raised the weapons in their hands and she barely managed to throw herself back around the corner where she'd just fled from to avoid the phaser bolts. She dodged down another hallway and kept running.

Her heart thundered in her chest. Every breath she took burned in her lungs.

There were more men. Too many of them. They were surrounding her. She wasn't going to escape...

She had to hide them. The datapads. She had to keep them safe above all else. Somewhere no one would look for them. She didn't have much time...

They found her. At least she managed to hide the pads before they caught her. She refused to tell them what she was doing there.

They took her.

* * *

 

She didn't know where she was.

_You're safe..._

But she wasn't. They took her someplace. Someplace terrible. The things she saw...

_Nothing is going to hurt you..._

But it hurt. It hurt so much. They...tortured her. Tried to get her to talk. But she refused. She would not tell them why she was in her father's office. She would not tell them about Jim. Or Khan. She would not, and they hurt her.

_I'm here..._

But no one was there to help her. She was alone. Alone with him...

"Dr. Tannak! What the hell is the meaning of this?!"

She knew that voice.

"Ah, good evening Admiral. I see you received my message."

Admiral... Admiral Cartwright. He was there...

"You're damned right I got your message! Now answer my question! What the hell are you doing!"

It hurt...whatever it was... It hurt so much...

"A new experiment. The results have been extremely positive. I think you'll find them very useful in upcoming –"

"Is that Carol Marcus?!"

"Indeed."

"Have you lost your damned mind?! She's not one of your god damned specimens! She's an admiral's daughter!"

"A dead admiral's daughter, as a matter of fact. And a traitor. My men apprehended her earlier and she was less than cooperative. But I think you will find that has changed..."

"You've gone too far, Tannak!"

"If you'd done your job properly, Admiral, I would not have had to intervene in the first place. You are the one who failed to neutralize Captain Kirk. You cost me my prize specimen, and failed to retrieve him as promised. Therefore, I have taken matters into my own hands, with far superior results, as you can see."

"You can't do this."

"I think you will find, Admiral, that I can. Good day, Admiral."

She heard footsteps, moving away. The sound of a door opening and closing. She wanted to beg the admiral not to go. Not to leave her here with this...man... This evil man... But she could do nothing; she couldn't move. She couldn't even speak.

"Now, my dear, where were we?"

But she could still scream.

* * *

 

"Carol! Carol can you hear me? Wake up!"

A piercing scream ripped from her throat and she fought against the hands which tried to still her. She somehow managed to twist out of their grasp, and nearly fell out of the bed when she became tangled in the sheets.

Warm arms immediately wrapped around her, steadying her. She was pulled against a strong chest despite her continued struggles, and held gently but securely. A soft voice whispered into her ear.

"It's all right. You're safe. Can you hear me? You're safe, Carol."

She knew this voice too...

"Leonard..." Her own voice broke and immediately she began to sob against the older man's chest. She clung to the doctor now rather than trying to pull away. He tightened his arms around her and continued to whisper soothing nonsense into her ear while she cried.

Slowly the panic began to fade and her sobs quieted. But she still remembered... everything... And she wished she didn't.

"I saw him... I know who's doing this... I know what he's planning."


	18. Chapter 18

One moment he was in the cave on Tarsus IV, the smell of burning flesh still heavy in his nose, making him want to vomit. Now he...wasn't. He should be grateful for that. The last thing Jim had ever wanted was to relive those horrible memories. He felt physically and emotionally exhausted by the experience, and he certainly had no wish to face anything like that again. But where he was now...was not any more comforting by a long shot.

He sat up slowly, grateful that the pain in his chest had lessened; it was more of a throbbing ache than the burning agony of before. No matter how real it had felt a moment ago, it felt like little more than a bad dream now. Already the images were fading in his mind, the ghosts of his past returning to rest. For the moment.

Jim looked around, wondering where he was, but as far as he could tell, he was...nowhere. Everything was black. No walls. No ceiling. No ground. No sky. Just black. It was quite unsettling, and Jim shivered in the void. He looked behind him; he did not feel alone, and yet there was no one there. Not Khan, the man, or even the child version Jim had seen in the last vision.

Slowly Jim stumbled to his feet, feeling dizzy and unsteady, considering he couldn't really 'feel' a floor or anything beneath him. And yet he didn't get the sensation like he was falling either.

"Khan?" Jim spoke softly into the darkness, cautious and uncertain. When he got no reply, he shouted instead, but the sound seemed to be absorbed by the black, not echoing, not carrying, simply falling flat and dead. He sighed heavily, feeling even more drained than before.

"Great..." he muttered under his breath. It seemed like so far he had spent more time looking for Khan than actually talking to the man, or doing anything else that might help get them both out of this. Jim wondered how long he had been here. It felt like an eternity and an instant at the same time.

"Khan, I need you to help me out here. I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Meet me halfway, will you?" Jim spoke aloud, not sure if the other man would 'hear' him, but it felt better speaking aloud than allowing the despairing thoughts in his head to have free reign. Plus, talking aloud to Khan, even if Khan couldn't hear him, felt better than talking to himself. Made him feel marginally less insane, at any rate.

Jim got the distinct impression that he was not wanted here.

He frowned and shook his head. No. He wasn't going to give up that easily. Khan had let him inside when he'd rejected the help of the betazoids. Hell, in that vision – or whatever it was - on Tarsus IV, Khan had been there, in that cave, in some form. The child version of Jim Kirk had protected him... No, had guarded him. Like a sentry at a gate. But that guard had ultimately been dropped. The child-Khan had reached out to him, had taken his hand... If Khan had truly wanted to keep him out, he could have done so easily. A part of Khan had already accepted Jim's help, now he just needed to convince the rest of him.

Irrational anger suddenly flared bright and hot inside Jim's mind, nearly sending him to his knees. Jim gasped harshly, shaking. Where the hell had that come from? Realization dawned and Jim straightened slowly, looking around at the darkness more carefully.

"Khan... I know you're here," Jim said slowly and he felt that anger – mingled with fear this time – flare again. These were not his emotions. "Please, I want to help. I'm not going to hurt you. You don't have to be afraid..."

Anger again. Stronger. It made Jim stagger. But it was the pain that truly affected him. Jim gasped on his hands and knees, the feeling of vertigo making him nauseous and leaving him shaking and barely coherent.

"Khan please..."

Again, that feeling of not being wanted. It almost broke his heart.

"No. I'm not leaving."

Anger again, and this time it had a very dangerous edge to it. Instead of feeling threatened however, Jim Kirk laughed. Because even like this, when he was shaking and felt like he was going insane from the powerful emotions bombarding him, this was so very Khan.

"You've threatened to kill me so many times, it's kind of lost its impact." Hell, by now it was practically an endearment between them. Besides, as he'd told Khan before, he trusted him, and he meant it. Jim laughed again when he felt the distinct impression of confusion and something that bordered on insult. "If you were going to kill me, you would have done it a long time ago. Remember what you said before? Go or stay? I've made my choice, Khan." Jim concluded.

Jim waited, practically holding his breath, and then he felt...withdrawal. The darkness around him seemed far more vast and yawning than it had a moment ago, and fear had Jim scrambling to his feet once more.

"No! Wait!"

He had no way of knowing if Khan was 'listening' to him anymore.

"Please!" Jim begged desperately. But there was only silence. Cold... But then –

"You should not be here."

Jim whirled around suddenly, not having expected to actually hear the man's voice. He was completely unprepared for the sight of him. Jim didn't think it was possible Khan could look worse than the first time they'd found him in that Starfleet science facility. He was wrong. The augment knelt on the 'ground' not far away, his head bowed and his shoulders hunched. Nearly every inch of his skin was bruised and bloodied. The wounds... Some of them went so deep that Jim could see muscle and even bone. Khan looked like he'd been flayed alive.

"Oh my god... Khan..." Jim whispered. He took a step towards the other man but froze when Khan slowly lifted his head to look at him. Even his eyes were red and bloodied, much like the day Khan had escaped the brig in order to infiltrate Regula I. But it was the pain and weariness in those eyes that were the worst. The _defeat_.

"What do you want, Kirk?" Khan asked him tiredly.

"I want to help you," Jim replied without hesitation, taking a step toward the augment, only to halt when Khan flinched at his movement. It reminded Jim of when child-Khan had cowered, terrified, against the cave wall, and he felt his heart breaking all over again. "I'm not going to hurt you," he said, taking a step back and slowly kneeling down so he was no longer towering over the augment. Honestly, he was surprised the man even had the strength to kneel upright. The amount of pain he must be in...

"What happened to you? How...?" Jim's voice trailed off as Khan looked away from him, seemingly lost in thought. He did not speak for a long time and Jim felt surprisingly reluctant to break the silence. But, at the same time, he needed to find a way to get through to Khan. To find a way to bring him out of this...

"Khan?"

Khan didn't look at him. Seemed not to even hear him. Slowly Jim turned his head to follow the man's gaze and nearly gagged at the scene in front of him. It was Khan. The man was strapped down to a table of some kind. His eyes were open, but staring vacantly, unseeing. There were...cuts...all over him. He was covered in blood. Skin was peeled away, exposing muscle and bone alike. People moved around the table. Examining him. Taking samples. Cutting him open even more, exposing vital organs, all while he was still conscious. Sometimes Khan would flinch, a low whine like a dying animal escaping his throat. But most of the time he simply lay there...staring vacantly...like he was already dead.

Jim turned away, looking back at the Khan kneeling in front of him who still seemed transfixed by the vision. A movement caught Jim's attention and his eyes drifted lower, down to the augment's flexing hands, and he nearly gagged again. He could see muscle and tendons moving beneath the peeled-open flesh of his arm as Khan flexed his fingers weakly. It hadn't been like that before. But now it was just like what Jim had seen.

"Khan..." Jim whispered, but Khan didn't answer. Didn't even look at Jim. Just stared, his expression completely blank, like he was already dead... It was then that Jim surged forward, grasping the sides of Khan's head despite the fact he was afraid to touch him, afraid to cause him more pain, and he forced Khan to turn away from the vision. "Khan, look at me!".

That, at least, seemed to snap the augment out of it. Khan blinked and inhaled sharply, as though coming up from air after being underwater. He still looked dazed, but his bloodshot eyes were now focused on Jim. Cautiously Jim gave a quick glance over his shoulder and was relieved to note that the vision was gone as well. Just blackness remained.

"Kirk..." Khan whispered, almost as though he were surprised to see him. As though Jim hadn't been there, all along. Then his eyes narrowed. "You should not be here..."

Jim's attention snapped back to Khan. Khan blinked at him in confusion. Maybe even fear. Jim didn't take his hands away from the man's face, even though the sticky wet oozing of blood under his fingers made him uneasy.

"I'm right where I need to be," Jim countered firmly. He felt Khan's jaw clench under his palms. The older man's eyes narrowed again, and even the anger in those eyes was a relief to Jim right now. He'd much rather Khan be angry at him than that horrible vacant stare. At least the anger meant that Khan was still in there.

"I do not want your help," Khan replied softly, so similar to the words that the young Jim Kirk had spoken to him not so long ago. _He doesn't need your help._

"Yes, you do. I wouldn't be here otherwise." Jim said. He was certain of that much. Jim clung to Dosia's words: Khan needed him. Trusted him, at least to a degree. The fragile bond between them would not have formed otherwise. She'd said he could use that bond to help Khan now. He just had to figure out how.

"How are you doing this?" Khan asked, clearly confused.

"I had a little help. We're on Betazed now. Remember, that's where you were going, before... They can help you. They've had experience with what you're going through. You just have to let them..." Jim's voice trailed off when he realized that Khan was no longer listening to him. Khan blinked again dimly. But he was slow to refocus. The augment didn't even appear to see him anymore. Rather, he was looking at something over Jim's shoulder.

"No, Khan, look at me, damn it," Jim pleaded, but the other man was already 'gone'. He didn't want to look, to see whatever it was that Khan now focused on, but almost against his will, Jim found himself turning to look. All he could see were... bodies. Hundreds. Maybe even thousands. They lay in a field, much like the one Jim had awoken to on Tarsus IV. The high brown grass was trampled, crushed under the weight of so many dead. The ground was soaked red and muddy with blood.

So many... People Khan had known. People Khan had killed. People Khan had cared for. Jim wasn't sure how he knew this, he just knew. The faces, most unfamiliar to Jim, and yet familiar all the same. Friends. Enemies. Lovers. Brothers. Sisters. Too many to count. Each one a wound on an increasingly fragile psyche. For all Khan's claims of superiority, in the end, the man was only human.

This was what he deserved, for all the pain he'd caused, for all the failure... For not being able to save them...

Jim turned back to Khan, and there were tears leaving bloody tracks down the augment's face. One of Jim's hands tangled in Khan's hair. Ignoring the blood, he practically shook the man. He didn't want to hurt him, but he needed Khan to focus on him. Khan cried out in agony at the jostling, the sound tearing at Jim's heart, but at least the augment was looking at him once more. His expression was one almost of betrayal before the man swayed and collapsed against Jim. Jim barely had the chance to adjust his hold and he tried not to think of how Khan's body felt more like bloody tenderized meat than skin underneath his hands and against his body. It was little comfort trying to reassure himself that Khan's real body was not in such a state. Especially if Khan's appearance here were any indication of the state of the augment's _mind_ right now.

"Please, let me help you," Jim practically begged.

"Why? Is this not what you wanted? For me to pay for what I have done?" Khan's voice sounded hoarse, and Jim winced at his own words being used against him. Words spoken in anger so long ago, it almost seemed like another lifetime. So much had changed since then. If Jim believed one thing with certainty, Khan had certainly 'paid' for any sins he might have committed... and then some.

"Khan, whatever you might believe, you don't deserve this. No one deserves this. I need you to fight this. I need you to come back with me."

Khan was silent for a long time.

"If you truly wish to help me, then kill me," Khan finally muttered against Jim's throat, his voice barely above a whisper.

Jim felt an icy chill roll down his spine at Khan's words, and he shook his head helplessly. "No. You can't ask me to do that."

"Then leave me..."

"Khan. I can't. I won't. Please..." So much pain. So much heartbreak. More than any one man could possibly endure and still remain sane. Jim felt it all. The dark yawning chasm of despair brought tears to his eyes and they slid down his cheeks unheeded. "You let me help before, remember? After...that night. After the phaser. Do you remember what you did? You said it helped. I can help you again, you just have to let me. Let me in..."

"No."

 _Everyone Khan had ever cared for had ended up dead_. Jim 'heard' it as plainly as if Khan had said it aloud. The dead were all around them now. Haunted faces. Accusing eyes. Friends. Lovers. Family... all gone. No matter how hard he tried, he could not save them. They died because of him. They died for him...

Jim should have guessed much of this went back to the most recent trauma that Khan had experienced. Shattered... Khan's mind had shattered with it, Dosia had said as much. The pain of loss had been so strong that even Jim had 'felt' echoes of it light-years away. Khan's people, whom he'd already thought lost to him so many times, turned on him like Carol had turned on Jim, an utterly shocking betrayal that was traumatizing enough. But then...

"Joaquin..."

He'd killed the others, then killed himself. Right in front of Khan. Jim closed his eyes at the pain that tore through him, but that didn't stop him from cradling Khan even closer to him. He didn't care about the pain. He didn't care how much it hurt. He was not going to let Khan go.

"Why are you doing this?" Khan finally whispered, and Jim pulled away only far enough so that he could look the augment in the eye when he answered.

"You know why," Jim replied, before gently bringing his mouth down to Khan's. The kiss was more a shared breath between them than a caress. "I told you, I'm not going anywhere, and I meant it. You're not alone anymore, Khan."

The faint bond between them was nothing compared to what Khan had lost when he lost his crew, his family. Jim knew that. He could never replace those and did not want to even try. But the augment had come to mean more to him than Jim had ever imagined, especially in such a short period of time, and he wasn't going to abandon him.

"It wasn't your fault. They gave their lives for you because they valued you. I know it sucks to be the one left behind, but they wouldn't have wanted you to suffer like this. You have to try to forgive yourself..." Jim knew exactly how hard it was to do what he was asking. How long had Jim himself held onto the guilt of Tarsus IV? "Please... I don't want to lose you."

Not when he's only just realized...

Khan looked up at him, and it was difficult for Jim to read the expression on the man's face. But the augment appeared to be speechless. Jim hoped that was a good sign. Finally, Khan weakly lifted one of his hands to brush his fingers lightly over the captain's lips. They left a bloody streak along Jim's skin, but he really didn't give a damn about that at the moment.

"Will you ever cease to surprise me?" Khan finally asked and Jim laughed softly, covering the hand touching his face with his own.

"I hope not."

Dosia hadn't been able to tell him what it would feel like when the bond came to fruition. She'd only said he would simply know. As he twined his fingers with Khan's and leaned in to kiss him again, he finally understood what she meant. It was nothing like he would ever be able to describe. Though the closest would probably be feeling like he'd finally come home.

* * *

 

Jim opened his eyes. The room was almost completely dark. The window outside showed that dusk had fallen, the sky a navy-purplish hue and the first stars were just beginning to peek through. He was still lying in the bed, his back resting against a stack of pillows propped up behind him. A very warm, very familiar, weight still rested in his arms.

Did it work? Khan...

He heard a sound and turned his head towards the noise. Dosia sat in a chair beside the bed. She was the only other one in the room. The betazoid woman smiled at him kindly before she rose and slipped out without a word. Jim opened his mouth to call to her, ask her to come back, to tell him what had happened. But his voice was stolen from him when he felt the man in his arms shift.

Jim looked down just as Khan's dark eyelashes fluttered against his pale cheeks, and then his eyes, almost silver in the growing twilight, slowly slid open.


	19. Chapter 19

Lance Cartwright sat at his desk, the room dark save for the illumination created by the city behind him. His fingers wrapped around a glass of Acamarian brandy. It had been given to him as a gift by his long-time friend, Alexander Marcus upon his promotion from Captain to Admiral. It was a drink they'd often shared together, talking long into the night and ruminating on the fate of the Federation.

Cartwright owed a great deal to Marcus. The older man had been the one to recruit him into the ranks of Section 31, a thankless but very necessary responsibility to ensure the protection of Starfleet and the Federation. The Admiral had also been the one to endorse Cartwright's own promotion to admiral after the destruction of Vulcan when more than half of Starfleet's armada and troops were lost. Marcus had told him strong leaders were needed in the wake of such tragedy. Leaders willing to do anything necessary to ensure that such a disaster never came to pass again.

Cartwright had believed in the admiral. Had looked up to him. Now, though, the normally pleasant liquor tasted bitter in his mouth. He felt like he'd betrayed Marcus. If there was one thing that Alexander Marcus had possibly loved more than Starfleet and the Federation, it was his daughter. Cartwright could hear the pride in his voice every time Marcus spoke of her.

Carol. The young woman had been caught trespassing in a restricted area. Her father's office, to be precise. The charges were sound; there was evidence that she had been in contact with and was trading information with the rogue Captain Kirk. As he was now wanted for treason against Starfleet for aiding the criminal known as John Harrison, or Khan Noonien Singh, that made her a traitor as well, whether Cartwright liked it or not. And yet...

He could not shake the guilt he felt seeing the young woman as she had been in the hands of that...doctor. Cartwright used the term loosely. Useful to their cause or not, that man was despicable, insubordinate, and his methods...

Cartwright took a long sip of the brandy to remove the taste of bile from his mouth. The results of the doctor's... experiments...were unparalleled. No one could question that. But the more unsavory aspects of them had always made Cartwright uneasy. Seeing the man's methods used on the augments had been difficult enough, even knowing that they were not human, or like any other sentient creature. They were artificial beings with absolutely no rights under current Federation law. They were created as tools, weapons to be used, nothing else, despite appearances.

Yet to see the young woman... The daughter of his friend...

The memory had kept him up for many nights, and finally Cartwright could no longer keep his doubts to himself. He had sent the communication three days ago and expected a response any time now.

As if on cue, his terminal began to beep indicating that he had an incoming comm. Cartwright checked to make sure the special security measures were in place before answering.

"Admiral Cartwright. I hope there is a very good reason for this communication. You know how dangerous it is for us to be speaking this way, encrypted or not." As usual Commissioner Nancy Hedford was abrupt and to the point in a way that few truly appreciated.

A valuable asset, she'd had been recruited by Section 31 following her recovery from Sakuro's disease, a rare, but fatal condition if left without treatment. To this day, she believed her near-death from the illness could have been prevented if only she'd been inoculated earlier. But at the time of her diagnosis, Starfleet had co-opted all stores of the vaccine to prevent an outbreak at the edge of the Neutral Zone. Later, it had been determined that the Klingons might have been the source of the epidemic. Whether this was by accident or by design was never established, and as a result, Hedford had little love for Starfleet's more peaceful interests when it came to its neighbors.

On Earth, she continued her work as a Federation representative, pushing towards making such life-saving remedies readily available to all citizens of the Federation. However, through her own experience, that sentiment did not extend to those who weren't, whom she saw as a threat, and a drain on precious resources. And although not Starfleet, she'd happily taken on much of the higher-level duties Marcus' untimely vacancy had left within Section 31. Her contacts had been vital in gaining the resources they needed for their plan to precede unheeded.

"I would not have contacted you if I did not feel it was of the utmost importance, Commissioner," Cartwright assured her.

A moment later the terminal beeped again, and Cartwright connected the new comm belonging to Agent Conroy Gedeon. Agent Gedeon was, officially, a civilian security officer employed by the Federation. Unofficially, he had been recruited into Section 31 from Starfleet Security only a few years prior, and in that time, the man had proven himself quite proficient in espionage activities. Since taking on this new role, he had amassed a vast network of spies, able to obtain vital political and military information, from reputable sources, and using any means necessary.

"What is it, Cartwright?" Agent Gedeon demanded impatiently, the man had never been one for small talk.

"I no longer believe that Doctor Tannak has our best interests in mind," Cartwright began, now that they were all present for their impromptu meeting.

* * *

 

The mug of tea was warm in Carol's hands. The healer had given it to her with promises that it would help calm her. She had only managed a few sips of the warm, pleasantly sweet liquid before her uneasy stomach threatened to bring even that small amount back up again. Since then, she simply clutched at the white mug, her grip so tight her knuckles almost matched the color of the glass in her hands. But she did not loosen her grip. It was the only way she could keep her hands from shaking.

Briefly, her eyes flitted up to meet Dr. McCoy's, who still sat close by her on the edge of the bed, and offered her a small reassuring smile. She felt a blush creep up into her cheeks and her eyes darted away from his, feeling embarrassed even though there was no reason to be. He had held her in his arms for over an hour while she cried, nearly hysterical. He had comforted her and never once pushed her to talk about the things she had remembered. Even now, when both he and Mr. Spock must have been eager for her to divulge what she now knew was the truth, he waited with an impressive amount of patience, giving her all the time she needed to collect herself. He was a good man. He and Spock both were good men. Jim Kirk was lucky to count them as friends, as so was she.

Even though she didn't really feel like speaking about what had happened, they deserved to know. They needed to know. Finally, Carol took a deep breath and nodded, signaling she was ready, even though she still did not lift her eyes as she began to speak.

"I went to my father's office. It was off limits, of course, for security reasons, but I managed to convince one of the guards to let me in." She had to pause briefly as the memory of the young man's corpse she'd later nearly stumbled over as she tried to flee flashed in her mind's eye. The young corporal was dead, merely because he had tried to help her. Dead because of her. Guilt clawed inside of her, threatening fresh tears, but she held them back with determination. She could fall apart later if she must, but for now she needed to get through this.

"In my father's safe there were datapads. I didn't have much time to study them before I was caught, but I found copies of communications my father had sent detailing his plans for...dealing with the Klingons and any other enemies of the federation. The Dreadnoughts, the weapons that Khan was creating for my father, they were only just the beginning. My father was planning for all-out war, and wars need more than just weapons to win. They need soldiers."

"The augments," Mr. Spock guessed immediately, and Carol nodded.

"My father planned on using them. He was never going to free them. But when Khan escaped and attacked Starfleet, my father changed his mind. He decided that using Khan and his crew was too dangerous; they could not be controlled, so he decided to destroy them instead." Carol swallowed down the bile that tried to rise in her throat. "But on the datapads I found, he'd already made plans to create more augment soldiers. He knew about the augment embryos stored from the twentieth century on Cold Station 12. Their aging would have to be enhanced in order for them to be useful, but he planned to grow and...train them. That is, take away their free will using cybernetic implants like... Like the one that was put in me. They would be the basis for his new army."

"Good god," Leonard muttered, horrified. Oh, god how she wished that were the extent of it.

"But that plan could not succeed once Admiral Marcus' betrayal came to light." Spock's response to her father's horrible plans was more composed, but the Vulcan still looked disturbed, which, to be fair, anyone with a shred of conscience would be. Carol did not want to believe that her own father could have done all this, _planned_ all of this, but she could not refute the evidence she had found. Obviously, her father was not the man she had always thought he was, and that sickened and saddened her beyond measure. However, that was something she would have to come to terms with another time. There were more pressing matters still to discuss.

"No. Of course not. Directly provoking the Klingons into war would be far too suspicious. My father's associates would be under far too much scrutiny..."

"But a plague outbreak wouldn't be. Khan was right, that was their plan all along, and now Section 31's actually started using their damned bioweapons against the Klingons. If that virus gets loose, it could kill billions of people!" Leonard continued, his face thunderous with anger and his voice nearly shook with it. Carol couldn't blame him.

"That's not all." She interrupted, and both men turned to her in obvious surprise. Leonard's expression clearly stated he could not believe this could possibly get any worse. "When I was captured, I saw things. Heard things. The man who... experimented on me. His name is Dr. Tannak. I'm also sure that I heard Admiral Cartwright's voice at one point..."

"Dr. Tannak?! Victor Tannak?!" Leonard gasped sharply and her eyes widened. She had not expected Leonard to actually know who she was speaking of. She had never heard of him.

"You know this man, Doctor?" Spock inquired.

"Only by reputation. He was a geneticist. Specialized in studying genetic diseases. I met him once, years ago, at a conference, but that was before..." Leonard sighed heavily and rubbed his forehead as though it ached. She couldn't blame him. "That was before his wife died. She suffered from Clark's disease, it's a progressive, degenerative disorder of the human brain, and most of his research was in looking for a cure."

Obviously the man had not found it, at least, not in time to save his wife. While Carol disliked the idea of feeling any kind of pity towards someone who had tortured her and done so many other horrible things, his interest in the augments and his...experiments certainly made sense.

"I overheard Tannak speaking with someone. The doctor was giving them an update on his progress. I don't think my father's plans were abandoned." Which, really, did not surprise her. After all, even her father had been impressed with Khan's achievements. Imagine an army of augmented soldiers... "But he's not just experimenting with augmented human DNA, but Romulan, Vulcan, Klingon... Countless other races. I think he's been combining all of their DNA, attempting to create the ultimate weapons. He also mentioned tests of the mind-altering cybernetics have already begun..."

"That's what those implants inside of Khan were for. They were looking for a way to control him!" Leonard interrupted.

"An early prototype, perhaps. If such devices were used on Khan's crewmembers, and were effective enough to turn them against him, it would be safe to assume that the design has been improved," Spock added.

"And in me," Carol whispered, her voice shaking in spite of herself.

"But they aren't completely effective. One of them, at least, was able to resist," Leonard offered then frowned deeply, "Right before he killed himself." Which was not a comforting thought in the least.

"We cannot assume the devices' shortcomings will remain a factor indefinitely," Spock pointed out.

"We have to tell Starfleet about this. We can't stop this alone," Leonard advised, though the doctor did not sound at all confident in his own suggestion, and Carol couldn't blame him. Who could they go to with this information if even Admiral Cartwright, who would most likely assume the mantle as head of Starfleet after her father, could not be trusted?

"Any information we have is hearsay at best," Spock replied, earning a string of quite imaginative muttered curses from the doctor. Carol felt like echoing them as well, but the Vulcan was unfortunately right. "We are still in the same position as we were before. And without proof, our efforts to bring these crimes to light will be in vain."

"Carol, do you know where they took you when you were captured?" Leonard asked hopefully, and she shook her head helplessly. But then she remembered something and her eyes lit up with excitement.

"The datapads! I was able to hide them before they caught me. They're proof, and they might even have information on my father's accomplices and who's behind all of this!" But her mood dampened considerably at the next thought. "But they're..."

"Back on Earth, in Starfleet headquarters," Leonard finished, his expression grave.

* * *

 

"It was my understanding, Admiral Cartwright, that everything was preceding on schedule and according to plan." Agent Conroy Gedeon interrupted in opposition to Cartwright's misgivings. "Soon the Klingon Empire will not be in a position to be a threat to anyone, much less the Federation. Aside from a few minor setbacks, everything has proceeded on schedule."

Cartwright frowned, knowing that the 'minor setbacks' was the Agent's none-too-subtle criticism of his handling of Captain Kirk and the escaped prisoner, Khan.

"That was my understanding as well, Admiral. I may dislike the doctor's methods, but his results have been better than we ever anticipated. The vaccines alone that have already been created due to his efforts will save countless lives," Commissioner Hedford added. Truly that was the only thing the woman seemed to care about, the possible medical applications of Dr. Tannak's research, and while Cartwright could understand the reason why, he always thought it blinded her to the more unsavory aspects of the man. Especially now.

"And you do not find anything wrong with him experimenting on Federation citizens now? What he was doing with Carol Marcus had nothing to do with our plans. What he does with those genetic abominations is one thing, but if we cannot trust him to keep his hands off our own people... If he can't be controlled, then he is a liability to us."

"I think, Admiral, you should be more concerned with your own assignment." Agent Gedeon interrupted him again. There was definitely a note of smugness in the man's tone when he went on. "It is also my understanding that Tannak succeeded where you failed in eliminating the escaped prisoner, John Harrison, and neutralizing Captain Kirk."

Cartwright's jaw clenched in fury but the man was not finished.

"Perhaps Doctor Tannak is not the true liability to our plans."


	20. Chapter 20

Something was different.

"Khan?" The voice was familiar. Warm. Comforting. Concerned. More than it should have been.

Khan blinked slowly. Shapes, fuzzy and indistinct slowly came into focus. The room was unfamiliar, and while he'd almost grown used to waking to the unknown, the situation usually brought with it feelings of disquiet. It was to be expected; he'd been surrounded by enemies since the first moment he'd opened his eyes in this new age. Vigilance in the face of such overwhelming odds wasn't just prudent, but necessary for survival.

This time, however, was different. He felt...safe, perhaps for the first time since he'd woken from his long cryosleep.

"Hey, can you hear me?"

No... Not the first time. Though the only other time had been under similar circumstances. When he'd woken in the arms of the same man who held him now.

"Kirk." It was not a question. Though his mind felt like it had been torn to shreds, the pieces were slowly shifting into place. Memories clicked together like pieces of a puzzle, slowly forming a whole. He might not know where he was, but he knew who was with him. Kirk. Captain. He couldn't remember how they had come to be like this, lying in bed nearly naked against each other, with Kirk's arms wrapped intimately around him. But at least the feeling was not unpleasant, so he didn't immediately feel like removing himself from the embrace.

Kirk let out a heavy sigh that sounded relieved.

"Yeah. Um, how are you feeling?" The young man's words were still cautious. "That was probably a stupid question, huh?"

Khan hummed a soft agreement and closed his eyes briefly as he considered his answer. He didn't need to consider very long. "Wretched."

His head ached in a way that he'd never have thought possible without a skull fracture involved, and his stomach felt like it wanted to crawl up through his throat. It was only through great discipline, or sheer stubbornness, that he was not sick. But he supposed as unpleasant as the feeling was, he'd certainly felt worse, so he probably shouldn't complain.

"Headache... Sick..." he muttered a little more specifically.

"Do you want me to find a healer?" When Khan shook his head slightly in the negative, Kirk asked instead, "Can I do anything?"

At the same time, the younger man's hand shifted slightly on his stomach where it rested, sending a pleasant warmth through Khan. He must have made a sound of approval, or Kirk simply guessed that it helped, because after a brief hesitation, he started to gently rub Khan's stomach and the feelings of nausea began to recede.

"Better?" Kirk asked after a time, and Khan gave a small nod, but the young captain didn't stop. Khan did not ask him to either. More time passed before either of them spoke again. A part of him wanted to simply fall asleep once more, if only so he wouldn't have to think. So he would not have to remember...

He did not want to remember. He knew it would only cause him pain if he did. He was tired, so very tired.

"Khan?"

But he was not a coward.

"Where are we?" Khan asked softly, turning his head further towards Kirk, though he did not open his eyes. Only then did the young man's touch falter slightly.

"We're on Betazed. You've been in a coma for days," the captain answered, but Khan could hear in the man's tone, that was not all of it. "What do you remember?"

Clever captain.

"You tell me," Khan answered instead. He was in no mood for games, and had no patience for Kirk's attempts at delicate handling. He finally opened his eyes to look up at the young captain, and to his credit, Kirk did not shy away from his gaze. Even when anticipating his displeasure.

"The _Va'khen_ was attacked when you entered Betazed orbit. The ship was boarded by four of your crew." At that Kirk paused, clearly waiting for some response from him. When Khan gave none, Kirk continued, even more cautiously. "They...attacked you. Shot you. But then, one of them turned on the others. Shot them, and then himself..."

He remembered.

Joaquin.

He'd thought – hoped – it had all been a dream, a nightmare. Or at least a delusion. It was certainly not the first he'd suffered as his mind slowly unraveled. The memories were hazy, but, yes, he remembered. It was certainly not the first time Khan had lost people he'd cared for. During the Eugenics Wars, he'd lost nearly his whole _race_. It was also not the first time Khan had fallen into the 'coma' that Kirk described. Though before, he'd had his family to help him through such trauma, to help draw him out again. But this time there was no one.

He had thought they'd been killed so many times already. By Marcus. By Spock. By Section 31. This time, he knew it was real, because unlike the other times, he'd felt it.

He should not have been able to recover. That should have ended him. Yet, he was awake, and sane. At least as far as he could tell. The pain of such a loss should have been crippling, and it certainly was not pleasant, and yet...there was something else. Something different. Something he had been so long without, except for those few brief moments before it had been brutally torn away again. A feeling that Khan had only ever been able to describe as _family_. But the feeling was not coming from where he would have expected it to; it was coming from Kirk.

"Khan?"

Khan's eyes narrowed and he saw Kirk flinch in response to his sudden intense anger. Because Kirk had _felt_ it.

"What have you done?" Khan nearly growled.

* * *

 

Khan looked really angry.

Jim should have expected it. Hell, even Spock had tried to warn him that Khan might be far from happy with this outcome. Still, he wasn't quite prepared to _feel_ the full intensity of Khan's rage. Sure, he'd seen Khan pissed off plenty of times before. But even after what Jim had experienced in that dream – or whatever that had been between them – he still wasn't quite prepared for it, and Khan's fury hit him like a slap to the face.

A really, really, hard slap. The kind that Jim was pretty sure could take his head clean off his shoulders if it were physical.

"Khan... I..." Jim didn't get to finish. One second the augment was lying against him, almost too comfortable, in his arms. The next Jim was flat on his back, the augment looming over him, with Khan's fingers wrapped around his throat. Fuck, how could he have forgotten just how fast Khan could move? But surely Khan wouldn't actually _kill_ him for this? Even if he looked angry enough to do it.

But then again, the last time Jim had seen Khan this angry was the only other time in recent history that he'd truly feared for his life from the other man. In the brig after Khan had found out about the mind meld. Shit. Maybe he really _would_ do it. And Jim didn't even want to contemplate what his death, which would surely sever the new bond, might do to Khan in return. _Fuck, Jim, what the hell_ _'_ _s wrong with you? Khan is choking you to death, and all you_ _'_ _re worried about it how that might affect him?_

He hated to do it, but if the pressure around Jim's throat increased further, Khan would probably crush his trachea before Jim suffocated. Already dark spots were starting to dance in front of his eyes. So Jim brought his knee up hard into Khan's injured stomach, hoping he could at least loosen the man's hold a little.

His gambit paid off, the air rushed out of Khan and his hand released Jim's throat as the man collapsed beside him, obviously in pain. For a few moments, Jim could only gasp and choke, pulling much needed air into his lungs. Worry for Khan, however, had him moving before he was fully recovered, and desperate to see how much damage he might have inadvertently done to the still-healing man.

"Khan? Are you all right? Are you bleeding?" Jim asked. Khan was still practically curled fetal-like in pain. Christ, what if Jim had really hurt him? He had no idea how much, or how little, Khan might have recovered from being shot in the gut. The betazoids hadn't said. "I'm going to find help."

Jim had barely moved before Khan grabbed him again. At least this time, despite the bruising grip, it was only his arm instead of his neck. He definitely wasn't expecting Khan to suddenly start laughing. And Jim definitely didn't like the slightly hysterical edge it held.

"Khan?"

"I try to kill you, and you are worried you might have hurt me?" The augment shook his head in disbelief. "Why?" Jim had a feeling the man wasn't asking about the sucker punch that he'd just delivered.

"I...couldn't lose you..." The words were a lot harder to say aloud, in the 'real' world, but they were no less true.

Khan looked up at him slowly. Despite how...intimately he felt he knew this man now, despite the echoes of emotions that he could feel rolling off the augment in waves, Jim still had no idea what he was thinking. The harsh fingers around his bicep slowly loosened their hold, but Jim didn't try to pull away. Not even when that hand slid upwards, brushing over skin that was still more than tender. Not even when they skimmed over the darkening bruises around his throat.

When those fingers lightly brushed over Jim's lips however, he held his breath.

"You remember." His whispered words barely ghosted over Khan's fingertips.

"I am not yours to keep or to lose," Khan stated, and while they were not spoken in anger, the words themselves were unforgiving. Jim barely stopped himself from flinching.

"I never said you w –" Maybe he would have said more, but Khan didn't give him the chance. The hand fell away from his mouth only to grip the back of his neck and pull Jim into a searing kiss. It was amazing. Khan kissed him as though he was trying to suck the life right out of him. He wouldn't have been surprised if the augment was still trying to suffocate him, only in a different manner this time. When Khan's tongue pushed into his mouth and laid claim to every inch inside, Jim was fully prepared to let him.

Eventually, though, Khan did release him, the kiss leaving Jim's lips feeling bruised. He found himself gasping for breath harder than ever before. Still, as amazing as it was, Jim wasn't convinced that...escalating things further was the best idea right now, given how unstable Khan seemed right now.

"Khan –"

Once again, Khan interrupted him, this time by gripping Jim's cock through his undergarments. Jim hissed sharply and stared down at the other man with wide eyes.

"If you wish to stake your claim, captain, I suggest you do so before I change my mind." Khan practically purred.


	21. Chapter 21

Jim's head was spinning. Khan's wild mood swings, going from rage to desire so quickly, left him feeling dizzy. It didn't help that nearly all his blood immediately rushed southward away from his brain thanks to the grip Khan had on his cock. Then there was Khan's offer... Or at the very least, a dare. One that Jim, really, _really_ , wanted to take him up on.

But all of this felt too much like the first, the only, time they'd been together. Then, like now, Khan had come to him after suffering tremendous trauma, and despite Jim's best intentions, he felt like he'd taken advantage of the man. Jim had only wanted to help, to make Khan feel good, but it had been a mistake. At the time, Khan hadn't been anywhere close to being in his right mind, his attempt to end his own life almost immediately afterwards proved that much. And Jim wasn't about to make the same mistake twice. The last thing that Jim wanted was to inadvertently hurt Khan even more than he already had been.

"Khan, wait-" He started to protest, and to his shame, it sounded weak even to his own ears. Unfortunately whatever he might have said was lost to an almost desperate moan torn from his throat as Khan started to massage his already rock-hard erection. The thin barrier of his underwear was really no barrier at all. Jim's arms, braced on either side of Khan, shook, and they were the only things keeping him from simply falling on the other man.

Khan smiled slowly and the look was nothing short of predatory.

"Do not even try to deny that you want this." Khan's voice, pitched even lower than normal, seemed to echo straight through Jim's whole body to settle warm and pleasant in his gut. Jim did want it; he couldn't deny that. And it wasn't just the sex he wanted, which he knew would be absolutely amazing. He wanted to be _close_ to Khan. Even though he was already close enough to feel the heat pouring off the augment's body, it still felt like a vast yawning chasm: he _needed_ to be closer, as close as they had been in Khan's mind... And although most of that experience had been unpleasant, at the same time, Jim had never experienced anything so intimate before in his life. He wanted that again. He wanted to be close to Khan in every way possible. Inside of him...

Again, he wondered if this is what Dosia had meant when she said they might feel the need to 'bond physically' when they awoke. But as much as Jim wanted it, as much as he felt like he needed it or he just might go insane from the desire building inside of him, he needed to know that Khan truly wanted this too. The man had just tried to kill him, for fuck's sake! There was no way in hell Jim was doing this if there was even a sliver of possibility that Khan would consider it yet another violation of either his mind or body.

"Wait-" Jim tried again, his breath hitching in his throat when Khan squeezed him _just_ right. Damn it, he was never going to get anywhere if the man kept _touching_ him like that. "Fuck, Khan, just...give me one second, will you?" he practically whined.

"Why should I? When you're so-" Khan squeezed him again and Jim's eyes fluttered shut. A low desperate moan escaped him, "-eloquent like this," Khan finished with a smirk. Despite his words however, the man's hand stilled, even if it didn't release him.

Jim took a deep shuddering breath, trying to wrestle at least a few of his brain cells into submission to concentrate on speaking rather than on the heat of the elder man's palm against his dick. When he opened his eyes and gazed down at Khan, the smoldering look in the augment's pale blue-green eyes nearly had him throwing in the towel, but Jim stubbornly clung to the small shreds of composure he had left, for both their sakes.

"Tell me you want this," Jim finally managed, the words coming out more than a little bit breathless despite his efforts. Khan opened his mouth but Jim cut him off before he could utter a word. "Tell me you want this, and _mean_ it. Don't lie to me. Not about this. I don't want this to be like...before."

Jim didn't think he could live with himself if he thought, even for a moment, there was a chance he might take advantage of Khan again. The guilt of the last time still ate at him. He needed to know that Khan wouldn't hate him for this later.

He watched as Khan's expression sobered into something far more serious than simple lust. For a moment Jim thought he was on the verge of yet another drastic mood shift, and Jim might once more need to be concerned for his life. Not to mention Khan still had him in a rather vulnerable position right now, and the results could be... Thinking about the possibilities definitely dampened Jim's arousal.

"I want this." Khan answered. Any other time, that would have been more than enough for Jim, but given Khan's history...

"A few minutes ago you wanted to kill me," Jim reminded him. Khan gave a small shrug in reply.

"I've changed my mind. Do you really wish that I should change it again?" Khan raised an eyebrow at Jim and the younger man swallowed hard.

"I'm serious."

"You think I am not?" Khan certainly looked serious enough.

"What made you change your mind?" Jim asked instead. Khan let out a put-upon sigh, and thankfully the man's grip shifted to something slightly less distracting, resting on Jim's hip instead of his cock.

"I...trust you," Khan whispered almost too soft for Jim to hear. At first Jim could only blink down at the other man in shock for several moments while his heart learned how to beat again. That was...something he never thought he'd hear from Khan. Up till now the augment constantly questioned Jim's motives for everything, even the simplest of kindness, and Jim couldn't exactly blame the man. Khan had been used, and literally tortured by humans from the moment he'd been woken from cryosleep. He'd been abused, experimented on, enslaved, and violated in every way imaginable...

Jim could only imagine how difficult, not to mention monumental, it was for Khan to say that to him, and because of that, it was also a little hard to believe.

"And...you didn't trust me five minutes ago?" Jim couldn't help but ask, earning him a long-suffering look from the augment.

"Are you being deliberately obtuse?" Khan asked, and Jim narrowed his eyes at the older man. Before Jim could speak, Khan gave another heavy sigh and continued. "I have not...felt...this, in a very long time, Kirk. It is...overwhelming."

Jim knew that was an understatement and a half.

"This is something that I...need. Whether or not I _want_ it is irrelevant." Khan said, and Jim frowned.

"It isn't irrelevant," he insisted, and Khan gave him a surprisingly kind smile.

"That is why I trust you...and why I want this," Khan replied, and Jim could _feel_ the sincerity in those words. Khan was telling the truth. Finally, after all this time, Khan accepted that Jim had his best interests in mind and at heart. He truly believed Jim wasn't simply trying to use him like so many others had before. Khan trusted him and Jim knew damn well that was not a gift given lightly.

Jim's smile was brilliant.

"Does that mean you'll call me 'Jim' now?" the younger man asked jokingly. Khan's only answer was another gorgeous smile, and that was about the limit of Jim's willpower. Throwing in the towel, Jim dropped down to press his lips once again to Khan's.

The other man's mouth welcomed him inside and returned the kiss with such hunger that it pretty much scattered to the wind whatever doubts Jim might have had left. He wasn't sure Khan had ever kissed him with such genuine passion before. If the last time had really been Khan just 'going through the motions', then Jim might just be in trouble.

He couldn't help it. He giggled. Khan broke away from the kiss and gave Jim a look that only made the younger man laugh harder.

"What?" The augment asked, though at least he sounded only curious and not offended or anything.

"Nothing... I just... I think you're going to wreck me." Jim replied. Khan gave him another one of those sexy slow grins that the captain loved so much.

"Is that an objection?" the augment asked.

"Hell no."

* * *

 

Khan still felt a little hung over. His head still throbbed painfully and the feeling of sickness in his stomach had not completely faded, but both were much more bearable now. He probably had Kirk to thank for that. He should be furious with the young human, and a part of him still was, but a far larger part was simply too...relieved...to care.

As he told Kirk, he needed this. Even Khan hadn't realized just how much until now. Kirk could never replace his family, but the new bond soothed the agonizing wounds of their loss. It was a cool balm that, while not taking away the pain completely, at least made it bearable. Offered a distraction. A small relief. A safe haven in a violent storm. A part of him wanted to hate Kirk for the liberties he'd taken, but a far greater part couldn't help but be grateful. Besides, he could not truly hate Kirk anymore, even if he'd wanted to; the bond would ensure that, among other things...

_You have no idea what you've done, Kirk._

For now Khan enjoyed the sweet taste of Kirk's lips, the playful nips of teeth, and the way the younger man's tongue teased against his own, coaxing him to taste Kirk in return. It wasn't long before the eager young man wanted more and finally broke the kiss, panting as he pushed himself up to straddle Khan's thighs. Looking down at him, Kirk's hands trailed boldly along his arms, over his shoulders, and down his chest, touching him everywhere almost with reverence.

Khan moaned a soft encouragement and Kirk smiled, one hand resting warm and steady against his stomach, while the other slipped underneath the light sleep pants Khan wore. The captain had not forgotten how he liked to be touched; tight firm strokes that quickly had him fully erect. The hand on his stomach, while certainly not strong enough to stop Khan from moving if he'd wished, encouraged him to remain still. To allow Kirk to take care of him, and Khan was in a mood to indulge the younger man.

Kirk certainly appeared pleased with himself as he leaned in to kiss him again, light flicks of the younger man's tongue teasing into his mouth briefly before the captain broke free to move lower. His lips trailed down Khan's throat, pressing kisses and sucking bites along his collarbone to his chest. Khan watched the younger man's progression along his body through hooded eyes. One of his hands rose to tangle in Kirk's soft blonde hair when the man's lips closed around one of his nipples, sucking the sensitive flesh erect and playing with the hardened nub with his tongue.

"Kirk..." Khan finally hissed, impatient, when it seemed the younger man was content to drive him mad with his teasing. The amused glint in Kirk's eyes when the captain glanced up at him proved it. He gave an impatient tug on the younger man's hair, earning a chuckle from Kirk, but the other man took the hint. Finally ceasing the torment of his nipples with one last nip that made Khan hiss softly before Kirk continued on, the captain slid lower on the bed as he kissed his way down Khan's stomach.

Khan lifted his hips at Kirk's urging and the younger man quickly stripped off his sleep pants. Kirk looked up at him once, as though for permission, which Khan gave with a slight nod, before Kirk started raining soft kisses up his inner thigh towards his cock. The young man's tongue traced up the underside, following the long thick vein to flick over the sensitive head almost playfully. When that skilled tongue licked into the slit, Khan couldn't help but moan softly at the pleasant feeling.

Kirk grinned up at him again before making a show of opening his mouth and taking the tip of his cock inside of his mouth. The captain was obviously experienced in this regard as he did not hesitate taking Khan in as deep as he could, until the head of his cock was pushing at the back of the younger man's throat. Kirk moaned around him, sucking and massaging his length with his tongue, while he caressed Khan's balls and gently massaged his prostate from the outside, pressing against his perineum.

It felt very nice, and Kirk seemed to take great pride in every pleased sound that he made. Khan could feel that Kirk wanted something else, though, and he couldn't help but wonder if the young man had the courage to ask for it. Perhaps he would need a little encouragement.

"Do you want to fuck me, Kirk?" Khan asked after a time, and he had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing outright as the young man nearly choked on his cock in response.

"What?" Kirk practically squeaked, once he'd pulled back and regained some of his breath and Khan couldn't help but smile. The young captain was almost adorable when he was flustered.

"Did I stutter?" Khan teased.

"No, but...are you sure?"

"I told you before I would let you; all you have to do is ask," Khan said softly, and he watched in anticipation as the younger man's eyes dilated with pleasure. He knew what Kirk's answer would be before he'd even uttered a word.

"Can I fuck you, Khan?"

"By all means, Captain," he answered without hesitation. He watched the younger man swallow hard, lick his lips, and then nod. Though Kirk still looked a little uncertain.

"I don't think we have anything to...you know." Khan opened his mouth to tell the younger man it wasn't necessary, but Kirk cut him off before he could utter a word. "Don't you dare tell me it's not needed." The younger man's almost angry expression as he spoke told Khan that the captain would not be persuaded otherwise.

"Very well," Khan conceded, and cast a look around the room they were in to see if there was anything they could use. To his surprise, there was a small jar sitting on the bedside table next to them, though he couldn't tell what was in it. "What is that?"

Kirk followed his gaze, then flushed a little. Khan raised an eyebrow but didn't comment as Kirk reached over to take the jar and open it.

"This will work," the young man admitted, flushing more, after testing a bit of the substance on his fingers. He thought he heard the young captain mutter something that sounded like 'kinky betazoids', but Khan really didn't care so long as it fulfilled its purpose.

"Get on with it, then," he ordered, and Kirk gave him an amused grin in response.

"Pushy," the young man teased, but he didn't hesitate anymore. His fingers coated with the slick substance, the young man took the augment's cock in hand once more. The lubricant was quite slippery and warmed quickly against his skin and soon Khan was groaning softly once more in pleasure. While Kirk jerked him off, the young man's other hand slipped lower, and one slick finger began to circle around his hole though it did not press inside.

"Kirk," Khan panted softly, and the tone held a definite warning to it. Kirk had the nerve to giggle softly at it, but before Khan could issue any threats of bodily harm if Kirk didn't get on with it, the young man's finger pushing inside his body effectively silenced him. His body stilled and stiffened, purely out of reflex. Even though Khan forced himself to relax again almost immediately, Kirk had noticed, and his expression turned from playful to worried.

"Are you all right?" the young man asked, just as frozen as Khan was. Kirk had stopped immediately the second it had happened.

"Of course."

"We don't have to..."

"I said I was fine," Khan snapped. Kirk's eyes narrowed slightly.

"I told you not to lie to me about this." Though the words sounded angry, Khan could tell they stemmed mostly from concern, so he held onto his own growing temper and reminded himself that Kirk had never looked at him with pity, even when the young man had seen him at his weakest. So instead of an angry retort, Khan pushed up and gripped the other man by the back of the neck and pulled him into a heated kiss full of teeth, and practically fucking the younger man's mouth with his tongue. He made sure Kirk could feel all of his desire through the new bond they shared.

"I want you..." Khan hissed, nipping sharply at the captain's lower lip, "in me..." He licked at Kirk's swollen lips. "Now." He pulled back to look straight into the younger man's blue eyes, though they were dilated so much by this point, they looked nearly black.

Kirk nodded mutely, and Khan smiled triumphantly as he lay back down, allowing his thighs to slide apart to give the younger man access to all of him. Kirk still looked dazed, and a little drunk with passion, but he quickly sobered, and after slicking his fingers again – even though they really didn't need to be in Khan's opinion – slowly pushed a finger inside of him again. This time Khan was expecting it, and forced himself not to tense, even though his body wanted to, too conditioned to feeling pain instead of pleasure in this act. But Kirk was careful and took his time, patiently thrusting his finger in and out and circling inside of him a long time before Khan finally made an impatient sound.

The younger man grinned at him but didn't waste anymore time then. Adding more lubricant, he pushed a second finger deep inside, and curled his fingers, pulling a moan out of Khan. That had actually been a little unexpected, but the sound seemed to increase the younger man's confidence, and as his inner muscles relaxed, Kirk's fingers moved inside of him faster and deeper. As his moans grew more resonant, Kirk bent down to take his cock back into his mouth.

"Kirk..." Khan panted, a deep groan escaping him when Kirk added a third finger to him, rubbing against his prostate, and sucking him deep. Khan gripped the sheets beneath him tightly enough that he heard a ripping sound, and Kirk was lucky Khan hadn't been gripping his hair instead. Kirk sucked harder and hummed around him, twisting his fingers _just right_ , and Khan's eyes practically rolled back in his head as his whole body arched, and he shouted, "Jim!"

All of a sudden, Kirk's mouth released him. The fingers left him, leaving him feeling empty and Khan groaned softly at their loss. But Kirk was over him, panting hard, looking almost feral with lust, and there was definitely something possessive about the look in his eyes. He felt the head of Kirk's cock press against him, push inside of him.

"Fuck, Khan..." Kirk hissed. The younger man thrust in deep, and Khan's hips lifted to meet him.

"Harder." Khan demanded, and Kirk gave it to him, burying himself to the hilt with every hard thrust. Kirk crushed his mouth to Khan's, swallowing his moans of pleasure. His rock-hard cock left trails of sticky precum between their bodies, hardly needing to be touched. He felt Kirk's pleasure, and he knew the younger man could feel his because it echoed back to him, an endless loop that only grew more intense with each moment.

"Khan... I'm going to..." Kirk panted.

"Do it."

"Fuck!" The captain shouted as he came inside of him, his body taut and shuddering with the intensity of pleasure. Khan followed him not a moment later with a deep, almost pained groan, painting the younger man's well-muscled stomach with thick ropes of cum. His fingers dug deep bruises in Kirk's shoulder and hip for which the younger man probably would not thank him later. Kirk finally pulled out of him, and all but collapsed on him in a sweaty heap, still shuddering. He did not seem inclined to move except to press lazy kisses to whatever skin was in reach on his body, and Khan let his hands trail lazily along the younger man's form. It was almost terrifying how right it felt to hold Kirk like this.

"I could get used to this," Khan admitted, earning him a breathless laugh from the younger man, who finally levered himself up off him a little.

"Me too," Kirk said, smiling down at him, before bringing their mouths together for a slow lazy kiss.

* * *

 

Khan was asleep again, or at least, Jim thought he might be. It was sometimes difficult to tell with the augment. The man probably should be asleep. He had a lot to recover from...and not just the sex. The really great, fucking amazing sex, that Jim was still aching from. God it had been good, in truth, he was pleasantly exhausted because of it. But Jim was reluctant to sleep, afraid of what might be lurking in his nightmares that were surely waiting for him when he finally did close his eyes.

So much shit had been stirred up in his head, he was bound to have them. Tarsus IV to start with, not to mention the glimpses of what he'd seen of Khan's torture in his head. Jim traced his fingers along the pale skin of Khan's forearm, where he'd seen the skin and muscle pulled back, exposing the bone underneath. The flesh under his hand was whole now, perfect but for the very faint line of scarring that one would only really see if they knew it was there. It was how Jim knew it hadn't just been a dream, or a nightmare, or some kind of horrible hallucination. It had been a memory...

"I would not have wanted you to see me like that." Khan's voice made his fingers freeze where they rested against the augment's arm. So he wasn't asleep after all. The man's words did not sound particularly angry, but Jim could feel it smoldering just beneath the surface.

"I know," Jim replied, swallowing against the tightness in his throat. He knew this hadn't been Khan's choice...the bond between them. At least not consciously. Even if Khan accepted it, needed it even, that did not mean he'd _wanted_ it. Khan had every right to be angry. But even if a part of Jim felt guilty for doing what he'd done, entering the man's mind without permission, he wasn't sorry. He couldn't be sorry, because Khan was alive, awake, and sane because of it. He couldn't be sorry for that, no matter how angry Khan might be.

"I'm not going to apologize for saving your life," Jim admitted, rubbing lightly at the dark bruising ringing his neck. If Khan wanted to give him more of the same treatment, as punishment, so be it...

Surprisingly Khan laughed. At Jim's perplexed expression, Khan turned his head to look at him, and though his expression was fond, it was also sad.

"You are not the first person to say those exact words to me." Khan explained.

"Who?" Jim asked without thinking, and then wanted to kick himself when he saw the flash of pain in Khan's eyes. The older man sighed heavily and seemed to consider for a long time before finally speaking again.

"His name was Joaquin."

Joaquin... Jim had 'heard' that name before. When he'd been in Khan's mind. "He was one of your people?"

Khan nodded.

"It was a long time ago. We had lost the war. We'd been driven back, our people killed by the hundreds. Men, women, and...children. There were so few of us left. I wanted to go back, to look for survivors, even though our position was being overrun. I ordered Joaquin to take the others to the ship. I was already wounded. He knew I would not survive. And so he did the only thing he could to make me listen to reason. He knocked me unconscious. I awoke on the ship, already being prepared for flight. There was no going back. He offered me his knife and his throat for disobeying my orders, but he refused to offer repentance. I wanted to kill him for that, any other time I might have."

"You didn't." It was not a question.

Khan closed his eyes. "Too many had already died."

"You forgave him?" Jim asked. Khan turned in his arms and slipped his own arms around Jim's waist.

"Is that really the question you wish to ask?" the augment asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Will you forgive me?"

"We would not be having this discussion if I had not."


	22. Chapter 22

Jim came awake slowly. Both his mind and body felt warm and lazy and reluctant to release the pleasant heaviness of sleep just yet. He had to admit, it was a nice change. For the first time in weeks, perhaps months, Jim felt well-rested and...content in a way that was so foreign a feeling, that that in itself was almost concerning. But for now, Jim decided not to question the feeling, rather simply enjoy it. If one thing these last several months had taught him, it was to treasure these pleasant quiet moments because who knew when there'd be a chance to indulge in them later.

So the young captain sighed satisfyingly, snuggling deeper into the warm cocoon of covers and dozed. He felt so relaxed he probably could have fallen back to sleep for several hours if not for the slight...tug, was the only way to describe it, on his mind that kept him from doing so. It wasn't an unpleasant feeling; kind of like stretching out a muscle after a long workout. A little distracting, but not unbearably so. Though it was curiosity over the reason for this feeling that had Jim edging more towards wakefulness than sleep, and he finally opened his eyes with an almost reluctant sigh.

It was morning. Sunlight was spilling inside the room, across the bed, warm but not too bright yet. Jim rolled over onto his back and stretched slowly with a wide yawn. He felt good. A little sore. A little bruised. But otherwise, surprisingly good. Good sex always made Jim feel great the next day.

It was that thought that made Jim suddenly realize he was alone in the bed when he shouldn't be. Khan! Suddenly much more awake, Jim sat up, alarmed in spite of himself. After what had happened the morning after the last time he and Khan had had sex, who could blame him for being concerned to wake up like this.

But as it turned out, Khan had not gone far. A soft sound, that Khan had probably made on purpose to alert him given that he'd been so silent until now, drew his attention. Khan stood by the windows, the morning sunlight giving his bare skin a golden glow. There was a light sheen of sweat covering his lean muscles. The only thing he was wearing was a pair of white sleep pants that hung precariously low on his hips, and did not leave much to the imagination with the sun shining in from behind him.

The augment was in the middle of doing a series of stretches, holding each pose for a few minutes before moving on to the next. Jim had seen him doing something similar before, though he'd never asked exactly what he was doing. Mostly because Jim could never get past picking up his jaw off the floor whenever he caught the augment at it. He looked absolutely breathtaking, and Jim felt a sharp spike of arousal deep in his gut.

"And you claim that you are _not_ always horny?" Khan suddenly chuckled, but he didn't stop what he was doing or look at Jim.

Jim grinned, enjoying the teasing though he'd never admit that aloud. "Can you blame me, when I wake up to you looking like a fucking god?"

Khan chuckled again, but this time he did stop and turned to look at Jim. He looked... relaxed in a way that Jim wasn't sure he'd ever seen him. Like an unbearable weight had finally been lifted from his shoulders. The augment slowly walked (though maybe stalked was a better word) towards Jim, and with every step Khan took, that strange feeling of being stretched thin lessened. By the time Khan reached the bed and crawled in to straddle Jim's hips, the feeling had erased completely.

The bond, Jim had time enough to realize, before Khan was kissing him. Jim hummed a pleased sound and parted his lips eagerly for a probing tongue. He wrapped his arms loosely around Khan's bare shoulders while they traded lazy kisses for several long minutes. Khan eventually pulled away slightly, though not before Jim's morning erection was definitely taking an interest in the proceedings.

Khan smirked at him, and Jim laughed breathlessly.

"All right, so I'm always horny. Sue me." Jim grinned, running his hands over Khan's shoulders. "You look...good," he remarked a little more seriously. Khan tilted his head slightly in acknowledgement.

"It is quiet here," Khan admitted, and Jim knew he didn't just mean in the usual sense. Jim could 'feel' it in Khan. The man's empathy. It had been out of control and slowly driving the man insane. Even onboard the _Va'khen_ when it had only been Jim and his crew, Khan had been nearly overwhelmed. And then, being forced to feel the deaths of his people...fuck...right in front of him. Jim felt a stab of deep sadness in his heart for the man who'd suffered so much. Khan said nothing, but Jim could see in his eyes that he'd felt it.

Khan kissed him again, deeper this time, pressing their bodies together in a way that left little doubt what the man wanted. Maybe it wasn't the best coping mechanism, but who the hell was Jim to judge? Even if all he could really do was offer the augment a distraction from the terrible loss he'd suffered, then that's what he'd be. Unhealthy or not, Khan deserved whatever peace he could find right now.

A soft knock on the door interrupted them and Jim couldn't help the slightly frustrated groan from escaping him. He felt Khan smile against his lips in amusement, though he could feel that the other man was just as frustrated by the interruption. That didn't stop Khan from climbing off Jim and flopping down on the bed beside him, stretching out on top of the covers like an extremely content housecat.

Who could really blame Jim for pouncing on him? Khan laughed into the kiss but didn't try to stop Jim from kissing him again and again, arching with a near purr into Jim when he ran his hands down his firm bare chest.

The knock came again, a little louder, and Jim groaned again but forced himself to pull away. Khan was definitely smirking. He could _feel_ it, but he refused to look at the man. His self-control wasn't that strong. At least Jim managed to find a robe to conserve most of his dignity as he went to open the door. Once more, he felt that strange 'stretching' sensation, like there was a hook embedded in the rear of his brain trying to pull him back towards the augment. Again, it wasn't exactly painful, but Jim had a feeling it could easily become so, if pushed too far.

Jim answered the door and recognized two of the healers who'd aided Khan and him yesterday standing on the other side.

"Good morning, Captain." One of the women greeted him warmly, "I trust you and your companion had a pleasant rest."

"Yes, thank you," he answered, a bit surprised that he was telling the truth, to be honest. He'd fully expected at least one of them to have had nightmares. But Jim had slept soundly and if he'd had any dreams, he didn't remember them. As far as he could tell, Khan had slept peacefully as well, which was definitely a relief.

"That is good to hear. The ambassador thought that you might like to contact your other companions. They have been anxious for news of your condition." Jim wanted to kick himself for not thinking of it sooner, even though he'd been a little...preoccupied. Bones was probably going to be livid.

"Yes, I do," Jim admitted, before looking back at Khan. The man was sitting on the edge of the bed now, watching him intently. He looked far less relaxed than a moment ago; no doubt he'd overheard the brief conversation, and did not look pleased. Jim could feel that it wasn't just the interrupted sex that was bothering him.

He didn't want Jim to leave... Khan was...afraid to let him out of his sight. Afraid he would disappear, not come back... Jim was the closest thing that Khan had to family left now.

Khan's eyes suddenly narrowed and Jim felt like he'd been slammed into a wall even though he hadn't moved an inch. Jim blinked, stunned and disoriented by the feeling. The betazoids stood at the door, watching the men closely, but saying nothing. Jim was pretty sure they hadn't missed the exchange.

"Maybe later would be better..." Jim began, only to be cut off by Khan.

"I do not need constant supervision like some kind of infant, Kirk," The augment viciously snapped and Jim winced a little in spite of himself. He knew that Khan was a proud man, and any suggestion of weakness was one of the quickest ways to set him off. But Jim was surprised by just how much anger he could feel coming off the augment right now, especially since Jim had felt Khan 'cut him off' not moments ago. Which, Jim hated to admit, hurt more than he thought it would.

Jim was torn.

"Go and speak to your crew, Captain," Khan said and looked away. He didn't appear the least bit sorry over his outburst, but Jim could feel the anger lessening and that 'wall' dropping. At least a little. It was probably the closest thing to an apology he was going to get.

"All right... I'll be back soon," Jim replied with a soft sigh. What else could he do? If he stayed, Khan would only be pissed off for being made to appear 'weak'. Best to just get it over with so he could get back to Khan as fast as possible. Jim turned and gave a nod to the betazoid women. One began to lead Jim down the hall, but the other stayed behind.

"Do not worry. Tamei will remain to look after him," The woman leading him reassured when Jim looked back. He could feel the 'pulling' sensation getting worse with each step he took away from the augment. Khan probably wouldn't like being 'looked after', but Jim was grateful at least someone would be there. Why did Khan have to be such a stubborn bastard all the time?

"Thank you... I'm sorry, I don't think we were ever introduced." Jim suddenly realized, but the betazoid woman didn't seem offended.

"I am called Litae," she replied.

"Thank you, Litae. For everything." It was the least these women deserved for what they'd done for them. He hoped Khan wouldn't be too much of an ass to the other woman just because he was pissed off at Jim, yet again. Why could he never seem to do anything right when it came to Khan?

"Of course, Captain."

"Call me Jim."

"Jim, then. Do not worry about Tamei, she has four teenaged boys. There is very little your man could say or do to offend her," Litae told him, and Jim wanted to smack himself for forgetting that he was on a planet full of telepaths.

Jim cleared his throat.

"We're not really... I mean..." After last night he'd thought that maybe... The way Khan had looked at him, telling him to 'stake his claim', end even this morning, right up until... Then again, before Khan had practically demanded that Jim fuck him, he'd tried to choke him to death. Talk about mixed fucking signals. Why was it so damned hard to know where he stood with Khan?

Litae laid a gentle hand on his arm.

"You should try not to be discouraged. Your friend has suffered tremendous psychic trauma. The damage to his mind is extensive, and not something healed overnight. He has made a very promising start, but progress will be slow and not always easy. It will take time," she reassured, and Jim gave a nod. He knew that he shouldn't expect too much from Khan too quickly. He certainly hadn't forgotten how Khan had appeared to him in his mind: first as a frightened child, and then practically torn to pieces.

He had to be patient, even when Khan was being a bastard. Just because the man was very good at pretending he was all right, didn't mean he was. Most animals in the wild would hide an injury until the point of death, knowing if they displayed any weakness, a predator would surely exploit it. The analogy didn't bring Jim any comfort at all.

The mental pull towards Khan was extremely uncomfortable now. It was all Jim could do not to turn around and run back towards the other man. Thankfully, he and Litae had apparently reached their destination, and she led him into a small room where a single terminal was already powered on. Jim couldn't help but smile when he saw Spock's ever-patient expression.

"Hey, Spock. It's good to see you." Jim greeted the Vulcan warmly as he sat down in the chair in front of the terminal. He heard Litae move away and the door close, giving him some privacy, but he didn't look away from his first officer.

 _"Captain. I am...pleased to see that you are well."_ Though Spock's voice was just as calm as his expression, Jim didn't miss the genuine affection and relief in the half-Vulcan's eyes.

"I told you not to worry."

_"Of course not, Captain. That would be illogical."_

"Of course." Jim chuckled softly.

 _"Is that Jim?"_ came McCoy's voice from somewhere off-screen.

 _"Indeed, Doctor,"_ answered the Vulcan, who was almost shoved out of the screen completely when Bones rushed over. Spock raised an eyebrow at the doctor but didn't comment.

_"Jim! Are you all right?"_

"I'm fine, Bones. Fit as a fiddle. It worked. No complications," Jim reassured the doctor, only for Bones to snort in disbelief.

_"I'll be the judge of that. I'm giving you a complete medical exam as soon as possible."_

"Oh, come on, Bones..." Jim whined.

 _"How's Khan?"_ The doctor interrupted before Jim could protest too much. Well played, Doctor. Jim sighed, accepting that Bones' poking and prodding was inevitable. That didn't mean he couldn't put it off for as long as possible.

"He's awake. It's still too early to say much, but I think he's doing better already. The betazoids are with him now."

_"That's good to hear. I'd like to give him an exam as well, as soon as he's feeling up to it-"_

_"Doctor, there may be more pressing matters to attend to-"_ Spock interrupted Bones, and the doctor threw the half-Vulcan a glare.

 _" Do you think there's any way I'm letting them get involved in this crazy scheme of yours if they're not one hundred percent-"_ Bones argued.

 _"Time is of the essence, Doctor,"_ Spock countered.

 _"Logical my ass! You're just as crazy as Jim!"_ While Jim would have loved to hear the argument play out to the end, he was more concerned with what was going on. Had something happened while he had been busy with Khan?

"Wait, what's going on? Did something happen?" he asked once he could get a word in. Both men turned their attention back to him, and Spock gave a slight nod.

 _"There has been a new development, Captain. Several in fact,"_ the Vulcan confirmed.

 _"You may want to sit down for this,"_ Bones warned. It was a good thing that Jim was already sitting down.


	23. Chapter 23

Khan refused to watch Kirk leave, even though he could not help feeling it. On the _Va'khen_ he'd always been able to feel Kirk, not to mention the other members of the young human's crew. It was impossible for him not to with the barriers in his mind practically torn to shreds. He might not be able to hear their thoughts, but he could pick up their emotions; loud and clear when they were close, less so when further away. It was a convenient, if uncomfortable, way to keep track of their movements.

Kirk's emotions in particular had always been easy to distinguish from the rest of the noise. On occasion Khan had wondered about this, but it had not been a main concern. There had been, and still were, more important issues to address. But perhaps he should have questioned it more. Then again, even if he had realized what had been happening, he doubted he'd have been capable of stopping it.

As Kirk moved further away from him now, Khan frowned and closed his eyes at the uncomfortable feeling. A headache immediately bloomed behind his eyes, throbbing painfully with the beat of his heart and intensifying. It grew stronger the further Kirk moved away from him...

"Are you feeling all right, sir?" A soft female voice near to him surprised Khan. His eyes snapped open and he glared at the woman standing a short distance away from him. He didn't bother hiding his irritation, even though it was mostly with himself for not having heard her approach. But more than that, he had not _felt_ her approach. In fact, he could barely feel her at all unless he concentrated hard, which only intensified his growing headache.

"What are you?" His tone, despite bordering on rude, did not seem to offend the woman.

"My name is Tamei. Do not be alarmed. You are safe here. This is a very special facility, a place of rest and healing. Only those with the strongest mental shields can assist the patients that come here, especially for a condition such as yours. You should try not to strain yourself." She spoke calmly, and a feeling of peace seemed to wash over him like a cool breeze. He felt his headache beginning to ease and he realized it must be the woman's doing somehow.

Khan stood abruptly. "Don't." He snapped.

She looked perplexed for a moment, but as he'd demanded, the sensation abruptly ceased and the pain in his head returned full force. It was all he could do not to wince.

"There is no reason to be afraid. We only wish to help." She tried to reassure, sympathy in her strange black eyes. When his expression remained hard and unforgiving she sighed softly and asked, "Shall I ask Captain Kirk to return?"

A small voice inside of him practically screamed 'yes' and he hated it. Hated what he had become. Khan might have forgiven Kirk for what he'd done, but he had not forgiven himself. He should have realized. It was so obvious now, Khan felt like an idiot for not understanding sooner. It was really no excuse, whether his mind was working at peak efficiency, or not, the answer had literally been right in front of him. Perhaps he had been willfully blind not to have seen it until now.

It was the reason he had been so fixated upon the young captain, why he felt calmer, more himself, within the younger man's presence. He could even go so far as to say he _enjoyed_ Kirk's company. He could have killed the other man a dozen times over, yet something always stayed his hand. He'd certainly allowed the young human far more liberties than any other, especially with his body. Somehow it was only now that he finally understood why.

"I am fine," he finally ground out, and turned away. It was bad enough for Kirk to see him in such a state, much less a stranger. He was _better_ than this!

"There is no reason why you should feel ashamed. Your condition, while not common, is not so rare that we cannot aid you. You only need to allow us..." the woman offered, as though having read his thoughts.

"Stay out of my mind!" he snapped angrily, whirling around to glare dangerously at the woman. Similar situations had caused many brave men to cower before Khan before, but the woman seemed unaffected.

"I apologize. It was not my intention to read your thoughts without your permission. Unfortunately, you are projecting very loudly right now. I can feel you are in pain. Please, let me aid you..." she said, her words and expression sounded sincere enough that he could not readily doubt her words. Especially since the elder Spock had once said something similar to him.

Khan tried to pull up his mental barriers, at least what was left of them, in order to stop the unhindered flow of his thoughts and the pain in his head increased exponentially. For the first time the woman began to look alarmed.

"Please, do not. You are not ready. You could injure yourself further..." she began but Khan was beginning to have a difficult time hearing her over the sudden ringing in his ears.

Even Kirk had been able to 'hear' some of his thoughts. He'd felt the younger man's unpracticed fumbling in his mind before. He'd been able to shut the human out fairly easily, though the effort had not come without cost. It was as though a wound, barely scabbed over, had suddenly broken to bleed anew. And the...distance, as Kirk moved away from him, only ripped that wound open wider.

It should not be this way. He did not _want_ this. To be this weak pathetic...thing, dependent on a mere human, of all things, for his very sanity. How had this happened?

Kirk was like any other human. Perhaps he was slightly more exceptional than most, but he was still ultimately human. Yet somewhere along the line, Khan had begun to think of Kirk...as almost an equal. A preposterous notion, since no human, no matter how exceptional, could ever compare to an augment. Yet he had begun to see Kirk as...more.

Perhaps part of that was sheer desperation. As much as Khan hated to admit it, he was not capable of functioning alone. Not indefinitely, at any rate. The emptiness in his mind where his bond with his family once stabilized and supported him had been slowly driving him mad. They were individuals, but they were also _one_. It had always been thus. His family was as necessary to him as breathing, and it was only once he had been cut off completely, left alone, and helplessly adrift, that he realized just how much so.

So, desperate, his mind had unconsciously reached out to the closest alternative.

Kirk had been revived from death by his blood. The bond had most likely been forged then, quite unconsciously and almost against his will while he'd been held unconscious in Starfleet Medical. Until he'd served his purpose and was whisked away by Section 31. The sudden distance and his subsequent trauma at the hands of the Starfleet scientists had ravaged the new bond, just as his body was ravaged. Both had nearly broken him...

But then Kirk had come for him. He doubted that the young man truly understood the reason why. How could he when Khan himself only now understood? The young man had claimed that all he'd wanted at the time was the information Khan possessed about Marcus' plans. Khan had believed him. Perhaps Kirk even believed that himself. Why should he suspect otherwise? But the pull, however faint, had still been there.

Kirk was not an augment, but his blood must have changed the man just enough, and as desperate as Khan's mind had been for that connection, it had reached out for the closest thing to what he needed. Small strands, slowly winding them together, unconsciously, instinctively. Nurtured on both sides until finally...consummated.

Now there was no hope of undoing what had been done. Not without killing one of them, most likely Khan. He wondered if Kirk truly understood the power he wielded over him now. Probably not. Khan might have accepted this turn of events because there was little point in fighting what could not be undone, but that did not mean a part of him wasn't resentful. Shamed by this new understanding of exactly how much he needed the young human.

He would not be this weak pathetic thing. Pain was not new to him. He had endured far worse, he could endure this. He tried to breathe slowly. He swallowed hard against the nausea that made bile rise up in his throat. Unfortunately, telling himself that the feeling of hooks ripping through his brain was not a true physical sensation did not make the pain any easier to bear.

He thought he heard someone speaking to him but the voice sounded far away, muted as though he was under water. He knew the new bond was not so fragile that it could be broken so easily, but telling himself that did nothing to quell the irrational fear that began to well up inside of him. His mind felt like it was unraveling at the seams, the fragile threads holding bits and pieces of himself together snapping under the strain. He didn't understand what was happening. Panic welled up, burning like acid through his veins and made his heart beat wildly. His lungs burned, the quick strained breaths he took never seemed to reach his aching lungs. He felt like he was drowning... He could not breathe...

He was falling, literally as well as figuratively. He heard shouting, louder, and yet somehow sounding even further away. The silence in his mind was deafening.

"Jim..." The wheezing whisper barely escaped his shaking lips before he lost all conscious thought.

* * *

 

Something was wrong. Jim could feel it. At first he thought the uneasy feeling growing inside of him was just a byproduct of what Spock and Bones had told him about the bioweapon they'd been trying to stop already having been deployed on a small Klingon outpost. Not to mention what Carol had gone through and what they planned to do about it. Spock wanted to go back to Earth, to Starfleet Headquarters (or at least what was left of it) to try and find the information that Carol had uncovered. Bones was actually considering heading to the Klingon outpost to see if there was anything he could do to stop the spread of the disease. Maybe even find a cure. Both options sounded like suicide missions.

They'd been hanging around Jim too long.

But as the feeling steadily grew worse, he began to realize it was something else. He realized what it was even before Litae suddenly rushed into the room. He didn't hear her almost frantic explanation, nor did he hear McCoy's worried queries about what was wrong. He leapt up and ran past the betazoid healer without even looking at her, easily outpacing her. It took less than a minute for him to reach the room he and Khan shared, but it still felt like an eternity.

He only stopped, in shock, when he saw Khan on the floor seizing. The other betazoid woman was with Khan, kneeling by the man with her hands placed on either side of his head. He didn't know what she was doing, but when she looked up to him and saw the naked panic in her eyes, it spurred him into motion again.

Jim was by Khan's side in an instant, gathering the jerking man in his arms and attempting to hold him, but it wasn't easy. Khan even weakened was stronger than Jim. Every time the other man's body jerked, it almost threw Jim to the floor. He had to hold onto Khan with what would have been a bruising force on anyone else in order to keep the augment from tearing free of his embrace.

Pain and terror was all he could feel. Knowing it was coming from Khan only made it worse. Litae and Tamei both knelt beside him now. They each had a hand on him as well as Khan and he wasn't sure what they were doing. He only hoped whatever it was, it could help the augment. He had no idea what to do himself except hold on. Hold on and pray this, whatever it was, would be over soon.

The minutes stretched into an agonizing eternity, but eventually he could feel the force of the augment's seizing muscles weakening. It still seemed to take forever before the man finally stilled completely. Jim was sweating and felt like he'd strained every muscle in his body by the time it was over. He was panting nearly as hard as Khan and his own heart was racing just as fast as the one beneath his palm.

"What the hell happened?" Jim finally managed to croak, his throat feeling strained and raw, like he had been shouting. Hell, maybe he had been. Though he couldn't remember what he'd said, unable to hear anything over the noise in his head.

Tamei looked up at him guiltily.

"I am sorry, I tried to warn him... It was too soon..." she said, her voice shaking, and he couldn't blame her. If she had felt even a part of what he had from Khan... He shook his head.

"It's not your fault." he managed, even though a part of himself _wanted_ to be angry at her. Wanted someone to blame. But he knew what Khan was like, how hard it was to get the man to listen to reason sometimes. It was no one's fault...except maybe Khan's, or his for leaving the man in the first place. "Is this...normal?" he asked.

"No." It was Litae who spoke this time, her expression very troubled, but steadier than either of them. "I think the danger has passed for now. Let us get him back into the bed."

Between the three of them they managed to lift the unconscious augment back into the bed. It was only once they had the augment settled, Jim finally asked the question he almost dreaded the answer to.

"Will he be all right?" He had, naively apparently, thought that the danger had passed. That Khan was finally on the path to recovery. Jim ran his fingers through Khan's hair, pushing the fringe back from the man's sweaty face and tried to ignore the pounding in his own head. It had felt like his mind was being torn apart...

"In time," Litae said, and Jim wished he could tell if she was telling the truth or only telling him what he wanted to hear. Obviously picking up on his doubts, she rested a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I told you before, it will not always be easy. There may be more...instances like this. You must try to be patient. For now, it seems best if you remain close."

Jim gave a shaky nod.

"We will let you both rest," she said, and the two betazoid women slipped quietly out of the room. Jim didn't take his eyes off the unconscious man in the bed.

Time. The one thing they didn't have. Their enemies' plans were progressing even faster than they'd anticipated. Hell, they didn't even know the full extent of what Section 31 was planning yet. Only had vague ideas and guesses. They'd only seen glimpses of what their foes were capable of and those glimpses were enough to give Jim nightmares for the rest of his life.

They needed to move. They needed to act. Jim's crew needed him. People were dying...

But he couldn't leave Khan. Not like this.

It was the Kobayashi Maru all over again. Only this time, Jim didn't think any amount of 'cheating' was going to help him pass this test.


End file.
